What do you guys think....

[lucky]

Here's the situation:
1)  Pbfh#1 has been homeless since mid-August and is staying at relative's, boyfriend's parents', wherever she can since then.  She doesn't know day-to-day where she will be sleeping that night.

2)  OSS will be 17 yo on November 9th.  Pbfh#1 has custody of him, but he has not spent one night with her since her eviction date.  She has collected welfare benefits, but to date, she has spent approximately $20 on him for food & necessities.  He won't come to stay with us because he doesn't like our rules.  He was skipping school and using pot frequently, not to mention roaming the streets at all hours of the night since the eviction.

3)  DD is 18 now and the real world has made one hell of an impression.  She actually likes us again and realizes the foster mother manipulated her and her probation officer in her efforts to keep her living there.  DD has her own 2 bdrm/2bath apartment and vehicle (we gave her our old truck) and is attending school full-time here in town.  She's supposed to be looking for a roommate, but hasn't found one yet.  She parties (alcohol), but otherwise is being very responsible.

4)  OSS has been staying with DD for approx. a month now.  DD no longer parties at her apt., she goes elsewhere to do so.  She has told OSS that her rules are: a) he gets home before she goes to bed; b) NO drugs EVER; c) he goes to school EVERY day; d) he completes his homework EVERY day; e) he eats dinner EVERY night (he wasn't eating) and f) helps out with keeping the apt. picked up.  He has complied with ALL of these rules.  In addition, DD drives him to school everyday and picks him up again at the end of the day.  In between those times, she attends her own classes.

5)  OSS spoke to pbfh#1 today about giving him some money to pay DD rent and she refused.  She said that "when she gets her own place" he will not be allowed to stay anywhere else, but will have to go back and live with her.  He responded by telling her that he was getting a job and that DD, dh and I would be helping him file for emancipation once he was able to.  She told him that she would not let him file for emancipation, he'd have to go back and live with her.

6)  Pbfh#1 sets "rules" that change from day to day.  Ex:  One day, his curfew is midnight.  The next day, when he doesn't show up by 10:30pm, she'll call the police and file a runaway report.  He's no angel, but she has repeatedly set him up in this manner and was very, very angry when he only got a few hours community service and a $50 restitution for shoplifting on his first offense.  She thought he needed to be "sent away" for his first offense.

7)  While living with pbfh#1, he missed more school than he attended.  Fortunately for him, he attends a charter school that cuts some slack on attendance, but will also allow him to attend until he earns enough credits to graduate.

Ok, so here's the deal.  Even if dh had custody, he wouldn't want to live with us.  Forcing him to do so would be a HUGE, lifechanging ordeal for 12 months worth of residence.  He has said that if he has to go back to live with pbfh#1 he will run away -- she has EVERY intention of forcing him to go back and there's no doubt in my mind that she will try to get DD in trouble to force him.  I believe that he'd go back to live with pbfh#1 to protect DD, but would then run away.

I know for a fact that he'll rebel and end up back on the streets and on drugs should he be forced to live with pbfh#1 or us.  He's had his freedom too long to submit to parents again.  At least at DD's we can "monitor" him and make sure that he's ok & stuff -- DD would call us in a heartbeat if something went wrong or anything.

Anyway, I told OSS to write dh a letter stating that if he had to go back and live with pbfh#1 he'd run away.  If he does so, I was thinking about making a copy and giving it to pbfh#1 and giving her a choice, she signs custody over to dh or we file for custody.  Either way, OSS would continue living with DD as he's doing WELL there.  Although we'd probably make him sleep at our house 4 nights a week or so.  Yes, playing games with the court and gambling big time on our part, but I really believe that it is in OSS's best interest -- and he is nearly 17 already.

Comments?  Suggestions?  Criticism?  (just don't be mean, please)


[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[hagatha]

Lucky,

What I would do is file for custody jointly with DD and use his past history and present history as the factor. Word the petition so you guys are legally responsible and DD is physically responsible.

Given his age I would expect he would want to be heard by the judge. If he is articulate enough to explain why the present living arrangements are working in his best intrest I think the judge would agree.

However, don't let the mother off the hook entirely. She should have to offer some financial support.

Just one question though, how long do you think it will take mommy dearest to get a place for them to live? This might me all a moot point if she spends the better part of the next year homeless.

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[MixedBag]

while I like Hagatha's suggestion,

I'm wondering how far you would get if you got the police department, school, and whomever else you needed to get on board with the truth about what's really bothering him....

And could the son possibly have information or tell the cops about the mother's instability (and drugs?? if I remember right??)

He's almost 18 -- so I'm sure that judges will listen to him particularly if he has his dad and sister their by his side regardless if they have custody.

[MixedBag]

while I like Hagatha's suggestion,

I'm wondering how far you would get if you got the police department, school, and whomever else you needed to get on board with the truth about what's really bothering him....

And could the son possibly have information or tell the cops about the mother's instability (and drugs?? if I remember right??)

He's almost 18 -- so I'm sure that judges will listen to him particularly if he has his dad and sister their by his side regardless if they have custody.

[lucky]

We'll going to hold off for a little while.  Mainly because OSS has been skipping school and DD is ticked off about it.  That is one of the rules she has, he MUST go to school everyday or he can't live at her place.

I think we'll give it another couple weeks and see what happens.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[MixedBag]

See that's what kills me about the kids you deal with -- no consistency EXCEPT that if you wait a week or two or three, something else will happen.

Geez, Girl, sometimes I feel like you're really being jerked around by them because you put your heart and soul into it and then poof, something else comes up.

I'm crossing my fingers that you make it through to when they are all emancipated.....and responsible totally for their own decisions.

[lucky]

It's worse.  After all that pbfh#1 has put DD and I through and after all the threats that OSD has made (not to mention the followed through threats), DD has allowed the two of them to move into her apartment.

I told DD that as long as she's got them living there I won't call there nor will I visit.  And when they f*** her over, I don't want to hear about it at all.

She says she's doing the right thing.  In OSD's case, I was there a year ago and I let her ride for 4 months before telling her to get off her ass, get a job or GET OUT.  PLUS, OSD and Pbfh#1 got kicked out of pbfh#1's sister's apartment last weekend because OSD was supplying pot to 14 yo cousin & using it with the 14 yo cousin.  Pbfh#1 because while pbfh#1 babysat (while mom was staying overnight with HER bf) the 14 yo cousin snuck out of the house to go have sex with HER boyfriend AND pbfh#1 defended OSD when OSD was accused of providing the pot -- even AFTER OSD admitted it.

DD is a former addict and has been doing VERY well, but how long will she remain a "former" addict when the stuff is right there in her own apt. most likely being used in front of her?

Not to mention that those two STILL hate my guts and have ALWAYS hated her guts.  There's NO doubt in my mind that they're being nice because they would be on the street otherwise and as soon as she asks them to leave (whatever the reason) OR they don't need a place to stay, they'll be back to the horrible, awful things they do to people they hate.

BTDT.
[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]