Have you became the target of the animosity?

[dipper]

HI,

I have known my dh and ss for over three years.  We actually met through our children - who met by us being backyard neighbors.  Well, ss actually encouraged his dad to come over often   - he was all for us dating.   DH had custody of one child and had the other child 50% of the time.  

When we became engaged, it was shortly after this that we first heard bm was looking to move.  She started job hunting hours away.  Then about two weeks before we married, she moved two hours away.  

I had first met her before dh and I were dating  - I had ss with me at a fireworks show.  She wouldnt speak to me though I was less than 8 feet away from her.  I was buying tickets for her child to ride as there was a small carnival...and she would not even speak to me.

Well, after dh and I were dating.....she came to my home one evening to pick ss up...and I invited her in and offered her a seat and tried to make conversation.  Beyond asking if her son was there, she didnt say another word.

She and I had ill words once and she lied in court about that...claimed I was fussing over CS.

She treats me as if I dont exist.  Completely ignores me.  

This past week dh's case for custody was up.  Well, it was first delayed.  SS had been hanging with us since they got there.  He wanted to go to the store when his brother went and bm said no.  He argued with her until dh told him he couldnt go.  later, we were in the hallway and bm called ss into the waiting room.  He comes out and laughingly says that she is mad at him.  (NO one asked anything at all)  Older ss said that its nothing new........here comes bm flying out of the room and points at dh and says its none of his business what she talks with her child about!  Of course, she turns as soon as she says it and takes off.  I spoke up and told dh he needed to tell her that he hadnt asked anything - I said this loudly.  BM kept walking.  So, here comes her mother out glaring at us...and I said again that no one asked ss anything and that I am right here if anyone has anything to say.  She says ' that is all you all have been doing for 2 years now ! "   I tell her she doesnt know what she is talking about and here comes bm running out of the waiting room, goes out the door - leans back in and tells her mother not to stoop to our level.....

WTF!  SHE is the one who started it all.  The case was continued.  SS came today and he told us that his mother and grandmother were braggin about how bm had to pull gm off of me at court!  Po-lease!

He said they have been calling me a bitch and saying how my husband was so nice until he married me.  And of course, they are telling ss that he doesnt get along with me or my children....

Before we married, my dh was treated like a babysitter.  He got to see his son, and he paid.........but, he had no other parent rights.  He never knew about school meetings or doctor visits.  he would get bills written on paper - no statement from the docs, no explanation, just a demand for money.  He always paid half on school supplies .  BM talked about him publicly to anyone that would listen....

However, now it appears that I am the source of all hatred.  Like my existence brought chaos to their peaceful little world - as if they lived in harmony before......

Does anyone else experience this?  Court order states that neither parent nor spouse of parent can speak negatively of other parent in child's presence...................but, nothing prohibits her from calling me filth....and it doesnt stop her from cursing dh either.....

Would this help our custody case - that she badmouths me in front of ss?

[lucky]

BTDT.  The kids are older now and have told pbfh & her family to back off.  Of course, the kids are older now and don't have nearly as much patience for the bullshit they pull.

It COULD help, if your ss can tell the GAL.

BTW, it isn't only pbfh & her family that hate me.  Most of my in-laws also hate me cause I made him grow a backbone and apparently that was a bad thing to do.

Good luck!

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[speciallady]

9 years of btdt...but we are almost done as the children turn 18 (twins) in March!!
Geesh, the first phone conversation I had with BM--her daughter was upset because I would not let them (10 at the time) watch and "R" rated movie--their dad was out and I said NO.
BM tells me, "this is the 90's and I say its okay for them to watch this!"
I say, "not without their dad's okay and him being here."
She was pissed ever since--I guess not too many folks stood up to her and told her NO.
The next phone conversation, I was asked by BM, "has he (my husband) hit you  yet?"  Nope, he never hit her and funny, her stories change with the tide.
She also told me how her son was being a little shit (her words) and she spanked him (she left bruises and his preschool saw it)--which resulted in him being taken away from her for some time--but that was all someone elses fault, of course.

Yep, I am the one who has disrupted this little world of hers regarding my husband and the kids--it's all ME~ Before I came along, she could demand, move on a whim, use the kids as pawns (she still does), etc.... so shame on me!

We, too, have the "no disparaging" remarks clause but she does not, nor has not, ever followed court orders. In fact, she has taken everything to the internet (under her own, real name) and will start stuff, edit stuff, hell, even make stuff up and show the kids....

Unfortunately, I doubt violation of this would change custody. Truthfully, children will learn be example, not by harsh words, so if she (your BM and family) continues, the child (ren) will realize it one day. That's when you really have to be there for them as the realization of what that parent  has done can be absolutely soul shattering.

But, we are on the last legs of this psycho tour and it feels wonderful!! My husband has been talking to his daughter for some time on the net, although at times, we know it's actually BM (caught her pretending to be daughter in IM)--and there is still a lot of love there.
I know for a fact that BM is scared out of her mind that these kids will find out the truth, but, neither of us has the vindictive nature to just lay it all on them...
but, if they ask, that's different.

Good luck to you and yours and Happy Holidays!

[dipper]

Not sure what BTDT means.  

Well, my ss' went to dinner at BM's mother's home on Christmas day...that turned out badly.  One uncle jumped on oldest ss about people down here.....of course, my name was brought up - how I am the problem and why do they protect me.  OSS told him that whatever I say is the truth and anything his mom (bm) says is lies.   The entire family wound up fussing.  OSS and his uncle argued for about an hour.  One uncle jumped on OSS about the amount of CS dh pays -saying why doesnt he pay more.  OSS told him that had nothing to do with the conversation taking place.

Pisses me off.  My dh pays his cs on time, he pays all insurance, and 75% of copays for medical.  He has taken care of oss since he was 15 without any help from bm - oss is now 20 and chooses to live with us.  BM has accused me in court of fussing about CS -and obviously has passed on her BS to her family.  This is such utter lies....I have never fussed about dh paying cs.  She is making MORE money than when cs was put in place, and yet wants more of dh's money...

It hurts me that my ss' had to deal with all that crap on Christmas day.  the uncle mainly arguing with oss even told his family, "Why cant yall respect my wishes and not invite (dh's) side of the family?"  meaning oss......

And these are people that think they are the perfect family and look down their noses like we are trash......

[lucky]

BTDT = Been There, Done That

Yep, we have one of those "perfect" families as well.

Example:  ysd's godmother (pbfh's sister) gave ysd a very thin hat and mittens for Xmas one year.  They were VERY cute, but it was below zero for the high temps and we told ysd that she had to wear the heavier knit cap and thinsulate gloves to go wait for the bus (along with snowpants, ski jacket, scarf & boots) when it was cold like that.

Somehow, the godmother found out and came to our house and demanded that we return the hat and mittens to her since we'd told ysd that she "couldn't have them".

Ysd was standing there RIGHT next to us when her godmother flipped out.  We told her no, they belonged to ysd and she could wear them when it was warmer and that she had to leave.  Then she threatened to call the police and have us charged with theft.  We told her to go ahead, because when the police called we would have HER charged with trespassing -- we knew we were ok on the theft thing as ysd OWNED them, not the godmother.

But it gets better, because osd (then 15 yo who lived with us at her prob. officer/courts order, not by choice) chimed in as to how we HAD stolen the hat and mittens from ysd and destroyed them so she was going with godmother to the police station to file charges against us on ysd's behalf.

Poor ysd NEVER wore the hat and mittens because she was afraid that if she did and anyone in her mother's family saw her, they'd simply take the hat and mittens off of her and give them to her godmother.  But she refused to give them back also because they were HERS -- she does have a backbone.

BUT, we were the horrible people and they were doing what was right.

They're not so bad anymore, but sometimes they still get on oss and ysd, but those two "fight back" now and won't take it.  Especially if they are ragging about me or dh.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]