HELP! Stepson is failing school (7th grade)

[kaylene99]

His latest report card shows Ds and Fs.  Prior to that, he had 1 C and the rest were Ds and Fs.  Husband and I are feeling so hopeless and helpless given the fact that we live more than 300 miles away.  Stepson is a smart kid but does not do nor turn in his homeworks.  That's the major complaint from the teachers.  Husband tried many times to help over the phone but not having the ability to physically check stepson's work made it very difficult.

I can't help but hold the ex wife accountable for most of this because I feel that she's not guiding or following through with stepson's academic life.  We doubt there's a structured routine involved in their household.  Not only do we see school problems, we have been noticing behavioral and disciplinary problems as well.  Ex wife also seems to be putting the blame on everyone/everything else but herself.  Nothing seems to be her fault.  The sad thing is, husband had asked her to let stepson live with us so that we could help him better but he never did get an answer on that.

At this point, I think stepson's on his way to repeating the 7th grade.  I really don't know what else could be done.  Do you guys have any advice?  Opinions?  One thing that the ex wife may potentially bring up is putting stepson in Sylvan Learning Center or the like.  But does that really solve the problem here?  Homeworks still need to be done and checked and she still has a huge part in that.  If she's not doing that now, then what's the likelihood she'll do it then?  If that's what would help stepson then we're all for it.  However, why can't his father get an opportunity to try and help him first before we resort to that?  You know what I mean?  I'm pretty sure Sylvan isn't cheap, anyway.

Ok, I'm done venting for the moment.  Please reply and let us know your opinions.  Thanks.

[lucky]

If he is in 7th grade (13 yo?) let him repeat it.  Natural consequences.  You don't do your work and you get bad grades, you don't get to go on to the next grade [em]with all your friends[/em].  That could be a good argument to use on him.

I can guarantee you that even if he was with you guys, you could NOT make him do his work or turn it in if he chooses not to.  I know this because we thought that and we had three kids (now 19, 18 & 17 yo, 17 yo only has enough credits to claim a 9th grade education) that did that.  We sometime were able to make them do it by withholding phone privileges, etc. but then they wouldn't turn the work into the teachers.

The 19 & 18 yo got their acts together when they realized they weren't going to graduate.  The 17 yo, still waiting to see if he ever does.  He won't graduate in May of '07 no matter what, but his charter school will let him stay longer if necessary and he's trying.

We're not having that problem with the 15 yo and still on the fence with the 12 yo.

Good luck.

As for Sylvan, I don't think it's cheap either, and my bet is she's planning on getting you guys to pay for at least part of it if not all of it.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[4honor]

My brother got his DS who was behind greater than a year. He used a service that was less expensive than sylvan, but was supposedly better ar dealing with nephew's learning style. He spent close to $10,000.00 to bring nephew up to grade level in the year he had him. Newphew needed 3 credits to graduate. He would have only needed to go to summer school. BUt since nephew was already 18, he decided to got home tohis mothers and complete the entire year of school instead.

Last I heard, he barely graduated cause BM insisted he didn't need to push that hard... it was only 3 credits he needed.

Yep, $10K down the drain.

BUT on the other hand, since brother had custody through nephew's 18th bday, when BM got him, she could not get the CS she was asking for.. she asked for him to be emancipated at 18 so she could get full CS on the other nephew she had custody of, instead of a minor amount which was offset by her support for older nephew... serves her right.

[wendl]

Gotta love teenagers. my son is in 8th grade and was struggling--NOT becuase he didn't understand his assignments BUT because he was being lazy and not turning in his homework.

I check his progress report everynight, as the teachers have the weekly assignments.  I am on his all the time, which of course he hates and threatened that he would do 8th grade over. HE is doing much better.

My friend has a 7th grader (smart kid) but his mouth is getting the better of him at school, she is a very strict mother and struggles with this, my other friend daughter is now in the 9th grade straight A's BUT last year she almost failed.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[kaylene99]

Husband got a call from ex wife.  She is at her wits' end with my stepson.  I don't know exactly what was said between husband and ex wife but, according to husband, the jist of the call is to ask him whether stepson could live with us until this school year is over.  That's just 3 more months away.  

Ex wife was apparently emotional over the phone so husband encouraged her to calm down and talk to her husband about this because it's not a decision that should be made hastily.  Husband did state that he would love to have stepson live with us but she needs to think through this decision.  Husband also said that it seems that ex wife only wants this arrangement temporarily.  You see, husband is in the military and will report back to sea duty early next year.  He doesn't think ex wife would let me raise stepson while he's gone to sea.  Of course, I agree.  We know her better than she thinks we do.

Sad to say but I will, we are now seeing the consequences of the bad decisions ex wife made over the years.  My stepkids have changed school numerous times.  There was a time that my stepson was into school and learning.  He just couldn't stop talking about this teacher who really encouraged and challenged him to do well in school.  Then, poof, ex wife moved them again!  I am not making excuses for stepson but moving kids around like that does have a negative impact.  Every move was farther and farther away from us, too, which only made helping them in school next to impossible.

If the purpose of this "temporary" arrangement is to help stepson pass 7th grade, then that's not realistic.  Husband told me that he said the same thing to ex wife.  He's probably still going to fail 7th grade.  And what if he does so well with us but then has to move back with his mom when dad goes back to sea?  Aren't we just un-doing whatever improvement we accomplish here?  We are just shuffling him back and forth, back and forth, and I'm not convinced that will do him any good.  

What is your opinion on this whole thing?  I don't even know how to best handle this "temporary" arrangement without involving the courts.  All I know is that we need some sort of formal agreement where every detail is laid out.  Thoughts?

[smcollins3]

I have a step daughter who is in 7th grade. All her years in school consisted of either my husband or me getting the homework on the friday of our EOW and than spending it doing homework with her. Her mother refused to do the homework with her or even make sure that she had brought it home. The first part of this school year was a nightmare and she was on the verge of failing. Her mothers response to all this was "oh well, she will have to repeat 7th grade" and than laughed. Well that was the last straw, I encouraged my husband that we needed to do something and it had to be done now.

Well, she is now here at our house and every night we check her assignment notebook and if the teachers do not write done, she is to bring it home. If she does not we take her back to school and go to her locker with her to get it. (now this may sound extreme, but if a child does not have a parent willing to show them things, someone has to).

Since she has been here full time, she has had many trips back to school, but only the first few weeks. Her grades are A's & B's. She is now going and doing things with adolescents her own age. (All she did before was things with mom outside of school). She talks to friends on the phone and has finally seen that her Dad and I are 'pretty cool'.  

No, she does not like having someone here every night when she comes home, but I do not believe in latch key children (as I was one). We at first did not understand this, but after listening to her daily, we now understand that her mother was rarely home and the SD made her own rules and meals . She now gets to be a kid and no longer has all the responsibility on her shoulders.

This same girl is now curling her hair (wasn't allowed by mom's as mom did not believe in a curling iron). The SD is also starting to realize what the effects are of being a clean person (taking baths nightly, wearing clean clothes).

The change in this girl is 100%. Yes, I know there will be problems, but if you can help a SC be a better person, go for it, it is worth it. Yes, there is problems with the now NCP (mom), but hey isn't there always? To make a difference, even a small one or a short lived one, is just awsome as any of the teens in my home will say (I have 3, two are my own and one SD, but I consider them all my husbands and mine)

As for it being temporary, maybe after the biomom has not had her son around and sees the change in him while he is with you, maybe she will let him stay. You need to really make sure that you are prepared though for the bucking you will get from him. Remind him of the rules and stick to them at least for awhile until he proves that he can get the grades.

I really hope things work out for you