The Bitterness never ends...

[dipper]

We will just be glad to get ss here and pray then we will have some peace.  As is, bm is in rare form now.  I had posted about her calling dh after months of ignoring him.

Well, last tuesday she called dh while out walking and asked dh if he was coming to IEP and if he would be picking ss up.  She has not allowed him either for months!  A meeting and an early pick-up!  Not right....figured she was going out of town.

So, then dh goes to meeting and she would not even look at him the entire time.  He mentions a conflict of ss going to court today with exams - and she pipes up and tells the teachers that ss didnt have to be in court until 2:00 so no problem with exams.

Afterward, she told ss to come to car.  DH walks over with him -and she didnt want ss anyway, she handed dh a letter.  The letter said that she gets two weeks in July and August, so while she knows school starts on the 14th, she is getting her full two weeks.  And, she is entitled to third weekends each month as well, so she WILL be picking ss up from camp...and she Will have him for her birthday in August.  She hopes dh will respect her wishes and the judge's order.

She also put in there that she gets july 4th and quoted dh saying that "you are interfering with my time."

TOO MUCH!!  She wrote last year that dh could have July 4th as that has been their agreement since July 2001.  And, the court order is exactly as it always has been - only roles are reversed.   DH never got third weekends during the summer, he got six weeks and no more.  The order does state - three weekends per month........later it states, during the months of June July August two weeks per month.  This could be interpreted as in place or in addition to.....but, for two summers dh has only gotten the six weeks, now she claims its also three weekends.....

And...she never gave dh two weeks per month as order states....in fact, as of July 20 last summer she was still writing that circumstances may alter the remaining weeks of visitation.  When we suggested a two week per month summer earlier this year - she wrote, "I will not agree to YOUR schedule as circumstances may alter this."

Are we crazy?  Hypocrite does not even begin to cover this woman.....It is absolutely infuriating.

For two years, she has told dh exactly when he can see  his son....every proposal we sent has been shot down as "YOUR" and circumstances may alter.........she has taken numerous days from dh by making plans on his weekends and not making up time.   Then when custody reverses, she flat out tells him - this is the way its gonna be.......and you will not short my time.

I think this is the first time she ever read the custody order.  i really do, as before it didnt matter -she was going to do it her way anyway.  

Today, dh went to court - at a cost of missed work and gas of over $100.........and the lawyer doesnt show up - twice now.  The judge was mad and said next time, lawyer or not, it goes forward.

Thing is - bm had letters from lawyer for the court asking for a postponement- yet she and this lawyer let everyone (school officials, dh, policeman) come there for nothing.

Then she harrassed dh asking if he was going to help her pay lawyer now.  WE have told her twice that we will not pay her lawyer to represent ss.  Her lawyer will not even talk to dh about this case, but he had her and ss in last week.  WE simply asked for the hearing date and time and he ignored our request for that.......we have filed a formal complaint against this man for representing conflicting interests - so it wouldnt be right to pay him.

In Feb, she had told dh that they owe six pmts and she had paid two, so now it was his turn....yeah...half of six is three - the idiot!  Well, we told her - we are not paying your attorney!   But, from what she wrote, payments would have been completed last month.....so, why should dh pay now?

Then she asked dh about counseling Friday - and dh said he didnt know if he was going.  She said, "I figured that!"  This is the first session she has told him about -and, she has known about it for a month and mentions it today.  Now, dh is considering going, but what for?  WE already have a real psychologist lined up here - the meeting with the clinical social worker would serve no point.  The SW has ignored any communication attempts -and told ss he would contact dh about appt, but never did.  He and bm left it to a 14 year old to get dad there.....

Oh..and she is dating a married man that lives next door to her parents (which is where she lives now).  His wife is in jail for all sorts of money schemes.....she befriended his 8 year old son - even bringing him on a 4 hour pick-up trip for ss......

She and her mom supposedly like his wife.....hmmmmm....

While she is very vindictive, I find myself being very bitter as well.

I am working three jobs now.  Well, technically I am...I am out of school for two months, but still an employee.  Meanwhile, I worry that now that dh is going to be custodial parent by the time of ss' hearing, they will make him pay for the computer ss damaged.  WE would have never rented the laptop from school - could have seen that coming!  

Also, bm is going to probably stop paying attorney as dh has custody, meaning ss will be without lawyer and we will probably have to pay someone anyway........for crap he pulled with her.....

And she doesnt stop...she just keeps on demanding.  Do this, you cant do that, My way, my way, my way...I carried him for nine months...

I told dh - yeah, and tell her without your squirt of sperm, where would she have gotten?!

[MixedBag]

Remember -- he said:  "You need to lower the burner on the stove. Tell her that you want things to go smoothly, that your interpretation of the order is ____, and if she disagrees, then you suggest that she file a motion for a clarification order so all arguments can be avoided going forward. As far as the additional liberal visitation goes, you will give your son the choice of where he wants to spend his time, but you will not force him to be with his mother if he doesn't want to, and if she doesn't like that, then she should file for a clarification order on that issue, as well."

You know, getting primary residential custody is golden particularly if you believe that the child's life will be calmer, better, etc.  And I get the feeling that is totally true in your SS's case.

Hang in there as you all adjust to the new situation.

Mom's past actions are what led the court to make a new decision.  Dad (and you) need to rise above all that and let it go and do what's right by the child.  NOT having a relationship with his mother is not right in most cases.  Show the child how the relationship between parents should be.

Ignore her adjectives in the letter and stick to what's important the facts.  

Will the bitterness end?  Maybe, maybe not.

DH and I both have EXs -- and actually my first EX too -- who still show so much bitterness when they deal with us.   But we've learned to laugh it off because as long as we're following the order, who cares how upset they are if they have to follow an order that gives each of our children time with us.  Even my first EX showed his true colors to the very end.  I did so many things extra and in the end, he still "screwed" me out of paying some bills.  I just let it go and let him drown in his hatred.

[dipper]

All very true.  It is just so stressful.  If she would just stop for a moment and give it a chance, but she just keeps plugging.  Of course, this is not new behavior for her.  

DH's lawyer had said surviving the 30 days before custody reversal was going to be key -and he was completely right.  ThanK God its just two days away -and ....I get to go with dh to pick him up, for which I am so happy my schedule worked out!

WE have three things to celebrate this weekend - daughter's birthday, custody of ss, and father's day!!!  :)

Oh - and I went back and rewrote the letter after soc's advice and think it is much more toned down now.  We are waiting until we actually pick ss up before mailing it - certified mail this time.....

Yeah, we only have so much time with our children being young - enough has been wasted fighting, so we have definitely got to take control of our own behaviors and not let our buttons be pushed....

We do not want our children growin up in all this stress...enough is enough....

[notnew]

I am going next month for trial in custody mod. It looks good for me I believe. The greatest news is that the trial date was set for when I already have my child for summer break. This was done after I notified BM of the time frame so there is no way I "planned" it that way. If the court changes custody, my child and I may be spared this time period you are now going through.

You guys are doing good to keep your cool and stay level-headed. Obviously you are doing something right, so keep on with your game plan. Congratulations!

[MixedBag]

send the letter priority confirmed delivery.  You'll have proof it was delivered and she won't be P'O'ed about signing for "yet" another letter.

[dipper]

Notnew, I wish you the best.   Last year, the hearing was set for summer.....BM's lawyer showed up two hours late so it was delayed....until November.  That was after ss was back with her full-time.......In November, the GAL didnt show......so, then it went to January - the hearing was held, but didnt turn out well for us.  

When they went back in March for the reconsideration, her lawyer was again two hours late - but the clerk in her mercy, had set aside the day for this.....so, it still was heard.

this same lawyer has been retained by bm for ss' troubles...and he has missed the past two hearings.  

I have been discussing this on Soc's group and am still scared of what to do.  On one hand, I feel he should not represent ss....but, on the other, I dont know if we can afford a lawyer ourselves.  And then again - I doubt if BM will continue paying this lawyer to represent ss now that he will be living with us.

We only have two more days -and then we pick him up and bring him home!  BM's demands that she is picking him up from camp are harmless - the camp director said she will abide by dh's wishes as far as who can pick ss up.....and guess who didnt make the list?