Stepmom nerves....

[oklahoma]

So, in May, our judge ordered that we would have a "graduated" visitation plan--first just Saturdays, then Sat-Sun, finally the regular Fri-Sun, EOW.  But returning to regular visits was to occur only IF we stuck to the graduated schedule.  She was very specific that there were to be no variations.

This weekend is our last time for Sat-Sun.  But my husband will be out of town.  Rather than try to make other arrangements with BM and risk having to start over with visits, we decided that I would pick up SDs for the weekend.  (Our judge did state during the hearing that it was OK for SDs to spend time with their stepmother and their brother and sister.)  At our last visit, we explained to SDs (ages 12 and 13) exactly what was going to happen, and emphasized that the following visit will be be for the entire week of Thanksgiving Break.  They were fine with it--we made some tentative plans to work on projects they have to finish by next week.

A full week later, on Sunday, OSD called and said they didn't want to come down if Dad is not there.  My husband told her "too bad"--he explained that the judge was very clear that we could not miss any visits.  But we are both waiting for more of a battle. :(  

I was nervous enough as it was to pick the girls up by myself--this will be the first time in many years (mostly because BM keeps blocking visits.)  I've known them since they were 6 and 7 years old, but we have had almost no opportunity to develop any kind of relationship in that time.  We suspect that BM does not talk very positively about me.  But I also tend to be a little more strict, and SDs are just at the age when that doesn't go over very well. (You should have seen the look I got from OSD when I told her no soda in my new car!  Gotta love those teen years!)

This was a little bit of a vent--it's a pretty minor "event," but just adds to the whole frustrating picture.  But I am also looking for ideas to cope--to not be so nervous, to not let my frustration with the situation show to my SDs, etc.  In past months, when I just can't deal anymore, I "hide" for an hour or two--let my husband do the entertaining.  But I won't be able to do that this weekend....  

[4honor]

have a good natured "my house my rules" talk. It doesn't have to be all heavy, but they need to know that you are serious about the rules. Also tell them that you will never lie to them, will alsway answer honestly to any question they have, but that you reserve the rigth not to answer if you think it is not an appropriate conversation.

I found that time taken with my SS in doing things like making cookies or playing a board game is relaxed.

I had the above talk with SS as a child of 6. I never once in the last 10 years lied to him. When he got conflicting stories from his parents, he asked me the truth. I answered some and set his mind at ease. I deflected others saying that sometimes the way a person tells a story is  not the way that it happened and they didn't need to be lying, just slanting things to their perception (we played games to show how two people could see the same thing and describe it differently.)

My relationship with him was OK until he committed a feloony and we brought in police. But SS had been the victim of BM's severe alienation tactics for years and when she couldn't "get to" DH through SS, she targeted our children -- who SS eventually hurt. We are the worst case scenario. Things worked well for many years. Since teh kids are older, you may have a chance still to make a difference in their lives.

Don't put to much pressure on yourself or the kids.