Maybe a little venting

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I started writing this post and I realized I could go on forever. So this is an abreviated vent.

BM has been talking to DH about SD for the past month or so. Very cordial and surreal. SD was diagnosed with a disease called PCOS, but it is now reversed. BM has also been upset at SD's complete disrespect and her aweful grades.

DH called BM tonight to talk with her about PCOS. BM went off on how the school was being mean because SD took off 16 days of school and is now truant. BM said they were excused because she knew about them. She allows SD to miss school because she has a headache or is tired. There is no structure. SD has been raised like this so she doesn't understand the importance of simply going to school.

My poor DH. He sits there listening to BM complain about the monster she created. He nearly bites his tongue off keeping from yelling at her "what did you expect? You never gave her a curfew. You never made her go to school. You never taught her to respect adults. All of this comes as a suprize?"

I think he should try to keep these conversations going. They make him crazy though. SD hasn't talked to him in a month. He isn't persitant with her though. He calls her and leaves a message (BM allows her to screen calls from him and has since she was little). If SD doesn't call him back, he wont call her again.

Any advice on dealing with BM who has no idea about how SD got her aweful habits? How about dealing LD with a teen that doesn't feel like talking to her dad on the phone.

Thanks
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[MixedBag]

vent away...

Alls you two can do is realize that due to the long distance, your ability to fix stuff is really limited.  

While DAD is a parent, just how much should you two be expecting of yourselves in this whole situation?

I too have seen a child develop awful habits....and then wasn't around to turn them around and they completely backfired when custody changed.  The new CP expected changes overnight and didn't understand that they take time.  So the child went back -- and I'm not even sure either parent understands what the heck really happened.

You have the opportunity with Dad to keep talking about the root problem and what you two can or can't do about it.

As a CP, with a long distance dad to our two girls, there were times when yes, I wished he would have helped more.  BUT had to ask myself just how that could have happened and the answer was "he couldn't".

Flip it around....his answer to me once was "I am willing to take custody of the girls" when I was frustrated with something back in the beginning and that shut me up quite quickly.  Even in the later years, when I contemplated sending them to their dads, it was like "nope" can't do that and faced the problems instead.

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Thanks MB, you always have good advice.

BM is really making DH nuts with this. She is calling and not yelling and offering to update him on SD's school issues. She is doing what she should have been doing for over 13 years. How can he recover from BM belittling his involvement and outright telling SD that he is invading her privacy by talking to her teachers, to being as involved as he has wanted to be for years??? (I know there is no real answer)

Funny you should bring up you ex's response about taking custody. BM is so at the end of her rope, she has threatened to SD that she would send her here to live. When BM told him that he just responded "uh-huh" and didn't offer to take her. I am not sure if she would respond well to that offer. I am guessing she is just using that as a threat and is not serious about it. BM has nobody else. She disowned her whole family, so her only family is SD. She also gets CS that she would not want to give up (not to mention pay).

I don't think she will face the problems. She has been buddies for so long with SD that SD has no respect for her. She never gave SD a curfew, chores or anything like that. Now SD is having troubles, BM is trying to impose restrictions. HAHA like a 16 year old is going to pay any attention when there were none before! BM just gives up. Here is an example. The school district must report any unexcused absenses over 5 in a 30 day period to the DOT. SD will have her license suspended. The school wanted a meeting with BM to discuss the absenses to avoid this and other sanctions. BM told them she is too busy and cannot go. She makes a huge deal that now she is working and she has patients to see.  She told DH earlier that her schedule is very flexible and when SD bags school, sometime she will take her out for breakfast together. Ugh.

Anyway, we are going to see SD in about a week. We are going down to celebrate her Bday. I'm not sure I know what we can do. It stinks that SD wont call him back. I know she is not mad or anything. I think she is busy with her social life and forgets and now she is nervous because she hasn't called back in a while and DH is going to have to have another "discussion" with her about it. Now he will have to waste the time he gets to be with her having this "talk".

GRRRRR.

We would gladly have her move up here. She lives in Sec. 8 housing there and we have a nice home in the suburbs (worst house on the best street). They have one of the worst school districts and we have one of the best. We have more family than you can shake a stick at. She has none. Our town is one of the safest towns you can hope for and hers is depressed and unsafe. SD would really thrive here. It would be really hard for everyone, but I think we could pull her out of her situation. All of this is daydreaming though. Her mom would never let her go, even if it would save her future.

Thanks for listening again
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