What to do when the clock starts ticking...

[Ref]

My husband and I have been together 13 year. 13 years of a lot of love and growing together. 13 years of the biggest stress revolving around his decision to have a child with his crazy exwife.

I was only 20 when we started dating and thought I would never ever want to have kids of my own. After dealing with his ex and his PASed girl I really couldn't imagine wanting kids.....

Now, the conversation of "if" we have a kid have started. I told my DH that I am really thinking that I want to have a kid. He says he thinks about it too, but both of us are sooooooo afraid.

After all the pain we have deal with with SD, I don't know if I can handle the same pain. I don't know if he could.

We are solid. We have lots of love, lots of family, we are fairly financially stable. We live in a really nice town and have always been awsome with SD (except when teen years and PAS set in and she stopped seeing us).

Any advice?

Ref

[Droogle]

DH and I weren't married when I had DS.  He is my supposed to be here baby.  We tried once and slipped once.  Needless to say DS is 10.  Dh and I have been together 12 years.  We have slipped a few times since then with out anymore.  

As for the SD issues and pain, a child is half of the two of you.  If you can work together it will work out fine.  

[MixedBag]

Now how in the world can any of us give you true advice except to say that it's really something the two of you have the answers...

Yes, sometimes it seems like we really get to know each other on these boards, but it would be wrong for any of us to say "Yes, it's a good idea" or "No, stick to your current path."

WE just don't know....what's truly best for you two, only you two know.

And clocks???  sure ticks a lot longer these days than you think.....

[knoot7]

The experience is never the same exact experience.....

Love/pain/heartache/laughter/happiness/sorrow/ all will be different .

Just remember you do not go through the same thing twice...

Just some insight....I can say I have been with my DH for 10 years. I didn't want kids, I had his son and that was perfectly acceptable for me.....My DH said he would do what I wanted to do, have kids or not, my choice.

I said well I have one kid to put through college. I didn't want my pregnancy to be compared to DH and his Ex's pregnancy (yes a bit nieve but I have a right to feel how I felt).

I finally felt like I did want a child for myself. I wanted to have an experience which I couldn't get being the mom of my husband's child...I wanted to have my own experience.

Two years ago I had a son. I didn't think being a parent would be so cool...more like a chore, but it reallly is a great experience! I thought it would change things and my optimism wasn't there... it did change things! However it was all for the better! My heart feels something it never did for SS. No matter how much I love SS, no matter how hard I fight for his wellbeing, no matter how many nights I have taken care of him.... it is truly a different experience with DS than it was with SS.

If you choose to or not to have , of course this is totally up to both of you! BUT the love you have between your DH and you....can be the biggest difference in the entire experinece!

Hope you find your way! I did and I do not regret it one bit.

[Ref]

I didn't mean SHOULD we have a baby. I was wondering if anyone had any advice about how to keep the unfortunate events that brought us all here out of the decision.

I hear that being a mom is wonderful and the thought of sharing the life that my husband and I have with a baby makes me smile, but if it anything like the torture we have had to deal with thru SD and BM over the years. I don't think either of us could deal.

Another thing that I hear a lot is the comment (always in some distraught voice) "It will change your life". It seems so ominous. I can't get fully past the fact that I know so many people that make parenting seem like a misery. I know it would change everything but is it that looming of a cloud? If so, why do people have kids?

I don't know. I have a lot of questions but the one that I really was curious about is seperating the experience as a SM with a PASd SK vs. being a mom in a loving marriage.

Thanks for all of your advice

Ref

[Kitty C.]

........and it also will bring you more happiness than you've ever dreamed of.  

Believe it or not, I don't really think the majority of your concerns really have anything to do with the BM and SD, as bad as that situation was/is.  In that aspect, all you've seen is the worst.  It doesn't have to be that way for you.....unless you think you and your DH will end up in a bitter custody dispute down the road.  But you've already said that you're both secure with each other in practically every aspoect of life, so that shouldn't be an issue.  You both have seen what can happen to a child caught in the middle and, heaven forbid, if you were ever to divorce, I believe that you both have the maturity and strength to put any differences you may have with each other aside for the sake of your child.

Looking at it that way, you have a very distinct advantage over other couples contemplating parenthood......you've seen what can happen to a child when it all goes terribly bad and you know what it will take to make sure it doesn't happen to your own.

I can now say that I am a proud parent of an adult.....DS turned 18 in April.   And all the supposed 'anxiety' I may have had when he was little (flying back and forth from IA to CA to see his dad, all the scrapes and booboos, and all the other situations that can send a parent into a panic) doesn't hold a candle to what I feel now.  Now all I can do is sit back and hope and pray that he follows the right paths and be there for him if he falters.  Otherwise, I have absolutely NO control over anything he does now.  So to me raising him was the easy part (if you can even call it easy!).....letting go has to be the hardest part of all.  And I have NEVER doubted myself as much as I do right now...........hoping and praying that I raised him right and have given him a foundation to build on and a rudder to guide him.  And, IMO, there isn't a decent parent alive who hasn't had misgivings....from the time before inception to the day you die............it's a mandatory prerequisite to being a good parent, after all.

As MB said, ONLY you and your DH can answer the question as to whether you chould have children.  Search your hearts, don't let ANY past negative experiences be a determining factor in your decision (except to learn from), and I think you both will be able to decide what is best for you.  I wish you both all the best!!!

[knoot7]

being a mom is completely wonderful.

Yes it changes your life but actions of things you can/can't do anymore isn't what the major change is... the major change is how you look at life! The major change with becoming a parent are the worries, the challenges of being a new mom/dad and lack of sleep, the joys of seeing your child look into your eyes, the joys of getting that first mama/dada, the joys of the first smile, the first step, the first tooth (ok it is a bit painful in the sleep arena but worth it), the joys of the first stand/crawl/step/ words and watching a child grow from nothing into something is SO WORTH the ""change" everyone looms over! It is NOT a miserable experience one bit!!!!

It is the coolest experience you could ever have! I always say I can't believe being a mom is this cool!  This will be your and DH's flesh and blood a product of your lovee for each other! The issues of PAS and what occurred with SM and SD will not occur... this was situations outside of  your control. Your kid will be in your control (until they hit teenager!hehehe) I so understandn your fears... anny new bio mom that was a SM first knows exactly where you are coming from...and I can say I have never been so happy I changed my mind and didn't stick to not hvaing any bio kids!!!!

[Genie]

not his child with another woman.  You both will love this child and love each other for this child.  You know what is best for the child because you have seen what is not best.  No matter what happens, you will do the right thing because you know the consequences if you don't.

After my X and I divorced, I had concerns about him seeing the girls alone (lots of issues), but I always made sure he saw them. He would come by the house to see them or he would see them every weekend when I was at his parents visiting.  He didn't ask for visitation alone b/c his life was just not there at that time.  

I knew how bad and stressful it makes things when you are constantly fighting b/c I saw it with him and PB.  I didn't want the stress and bad feelings it brought with it.  Didn't want that to encompass my life and thoughts all the time.  It was easier to just get along, be nice and do what I should do for the sake of the girls and their relationship with him.

So don't worry about what could happen or how things could be.  This is a totally different situation.  You won't be like that.  Now stop stressing and worrying. You guys will be great parents and a lil baby will make be such a blessing in your life.

[lyonsden]

I thought I knew it all when I got married. I new what was real and not. I knew where my life was going and ending, I knew it all.

Then reality set in!

Drugs and physical abuse destroyed what I KNEW would be my future.

You have one advantage here you know how your husband acts towards his x, put yourself in her shoes. Would you be happy being treat the same way he treats her?

I dont care how much he prfesses his love or how he shows it, TRUE LOVE only come one way.

True love is not what you and your Husband have. You will only understand the meaning of true love when you set you eyes on your new baby, that is when your heart will swell, your palms will sweat, YOU WILL CRY tears of joy. This is when you realize just how angry and violent you can become when something threatens your children.
When you have that little one in your arms you will see, "None of it matters, but them"

I wish you both well and hope you can be a happy healthy family, Good Luck.

"A rich man is one whom when his pockets are empty his children fill his arms"

[mistoffolees]

It's a leap of faith under ANY circumstances.

Will history repeat itself? No one knows. On one side is the fact that divorce changes everything and even people who were fairly calm and rational and have a good relationship go nuts. On the other side is the fact that many people do have good relationships with their ex and  even after splitting up get along reasonably well - certainly well enough to put the kid's needs first.

If I had to bet, I'd say that people who have a stormy marriage are likely to have more problems later and people who are able to work together to solve problems while married are more likely to be able to work together to solve problems if the marriage ends. And keep in mind that a large percentage of marriages do NOT end.

Will having a kid change your life? Absolutely. Is it ominous? Only if you want it to be - but if you're that kind of person, you're probably better off not having kids. You will never have greater joy than kids can bring, but kids can also bring immense heartache. In fact, some kids bring both at different times. In my case, my daughter is the most important thing in my life and I'd give up the rest of my life for her if I had to. I can't think of a moment's heartache that she's caused me (but she hasn't hit the teen years yet!) But my life IS different. I can't just come and go as I wish. I have to save money for college. I have to worry about how she's doing at school, her friendships, etc. I just don't consider any of that to be a bad thing.

On the one hand, you do want to give such a serious matter very serious consideration. But, OTOH, you don't want legitimate concerns to swell to unreasonable levels. Have you considered talking with a counselor about your concerns?