How to deal with...?

[step_momma_2boys]

We have several issues that I have seen posted on here, but I thought I'd go ahead and post here to get some advice on how to handle or talk w/ BM about some of these issues.  BM is not really open to discussion about SS's when it comes to something serious.  Letters haven't really gotten us anywhere, and one response from her (in a letter) was that she does not need parenting advice, and if she does she will get it from someone who has been through it.  Basically telling DH to butt out.  I just want to know if these are issues we can really do something about.  TIA !!

issue #1- SS#2 failing 3rd grade.  I recently posted about this, and had just got done w/ a wkend w/ SS's where we got SS#2 caught up on his homework.  Well, we thought he was getting caught up.  He had several weeks of unfinished/untouched homework last wkend, in which he finished it all over the weekend.  We followed up w/ an email to teacher on Monday, who replied that he had turned in his homework.  YAY!  But when I checked his grade online, and it showed a jump from a F to a D.  It still showed he was missing 6 assignments!  Before the wkend, he was missing 11, so turning in 5 assignments was a lot, I guess.  Then we get an update from teacher last night that shows he is now missing 8 assignments and back to a F.  I totally blame BM for this.  This has been happening really bad this year especially, and if it were me, I would walk him to class and make sure he turns in his homework!  She doesn't want to take the responsibility for it though.  It is so frustrating.  Can custody be turned around by one of the two children are failing and we can show we are doing whatever we can from med distance (100 miles away) to help him?  We were also told by SS's and by their older 1/2 bro that he (older 1/2 bro) is failing most of his classes, and he is in 7th grade.  We don't really have a way of finding that out though.  It seems to me if it were only 1 child, it would be the kid's fault.  But when 2 out of 3 are failing, doesn't that show it is BM??

issue #2- SS#2 has allergies and has had asmatic episodes according to BM where she has taken him to Dr.  He's on state medical, so they won't pay for allergy testing, and BM gives him Claritin.  A couple months ago, we noticed that the boys smell very strongly of smoke.  When we asked them if they are hanging around their gma who lives w/ them while she smokes, they told us she smokes in the house.  They even told us BM asked their gma (her mom) to not smoke in house, but gma refuses to go outside.  BM has problems w/ cig smoke too, and she and her BF spend most of their time in a 5th wheel in the backyard, and that's where they sleep too.  But SS's have to stay in the house and that's where they sleep.  I'm so frustrated that BM won't subject herself to the gma' cig smoke, but won't put her foot down about the boys being subjected to it.  It's common sense to not smoke in the house, especially around children.  But since SS#2 hasn't been diagnosed w/ asthma and can't have allergy testing done, how do we go about proving that the second hand exposure is contributing to SS#2's allergies and possible asthma attacks?

issue #3-  SS's informed us that their older 1/2 bro got into a fight w/ gma, and gma "took away his room."  Now the older bro has to be in bedroom w/ SS's.  I haven't seen the room, as BM won't allow us in house.  But SS's tell us that it is wall to wall beds, with 3 beds in the room.  They also tell us that BM's BF's son stays there a lot, and the 4 of them have to alternate who gets to sleep on the beds.  The older 1/2 bro's room has already been turned into a storage room for gma.  Oh, and there is 4 TV's in their bedroom.  I have a problem understanding how it is ok to provide a TV for each child, but not enough beds.  I know this might sound like a nitpicky issue, but when we provide a bedroom here for SS's and they are only here EOW, I have a hard time understanding how they have less at BM's house when they live there all the time.

[step_momma_2boys]

Even though I have been dealing w/ these types of things for the last 6 yrs, we haven't always handled things correctly.  BM accuses us of "nit-picking" her.  So that's why I wanted some advice on whether we should just sit back and keep our mouths shut or what??

Next mediation appt is this Thurs.  Does anyone think these are issues that should be brought up?

[notnew]

The school issue is a bona-fide issue and you should file or have your attorney file a Motion For Modification of Custody due to a material change in circumstances.

The bedroom thing is an issue too. However, hard to prove since you haven't been in the house. If the court moves on the modification filed as per above, then a custody evaluation should follow which will include home visits to check out the living conditions. Problem should be settled with that.

The smoking thing. While I agree with you and personally I think cigarettes should be outlawed (from a reformed smoker who has been smoke free for 20 years). I don't think you'll get very far with this issue and the court may look at it as being nit-picky. Remeber, these type of nit-picky issues being raised repeatedly can make you look bad and possibly hurt your real case.

Stick to the main most important issue which is their education. Also attendance is a major factor as well. The fact of the matter is, that if the child turns in homework late, IMHO it shouldn't count. Unfair advantadge that the other kids aren't getting and the kid is learning that the wrong lesson here.

If you two keep child's grades up through your efforts, then who looks like a bad parent? Nobody and that thwarts your case. BM is the responsible parent and her actions should not be covered up. You have time to turn this child's life around.

You communicate with the BM? Probably not a good idea. You should allow DH to handle all communications and those should all be in a verifiable format (letters or e-mails).

I believe you should seek an attorney. You say you have not always handled things as you should over the last 6 years. Sounds like it is time to get it together and handle it right from now on. The kids lives depend on it. Don't let your anger get the best of you.

Good Luck!

[step_momma_2boys]

We REALLY don't have the money to file again.  We are still paying our lawyer (we still owe him $2500) from the last go around.  And we were ordered to pay BM $7,000 of her attorney fees.  (Also baby on the way this yr.)  That's why I wondered if the issue of the grades should be brought up in mediation.  That way it shows that DH is trying to WORK WITH her about it.  I don't think she will be able to keep it up though.  So, if we show we have tried to resolve the issue first and that didn't work, then wouldn't we have a better case for filing again?

We are also gun shy about filing again, being that the last time we did it feeling that we had condiderable evidence against BM, but yet she won and we had to pay.

So, this time we need to do things right.  That's why we have been helping SS#2 w/ his homework while he is with us.  We were told by someone that it is one thing to show that the child is failing while living w/ BM, but we would also need to show he wouldn't fail while w/ us.  The only way to do that is to help him w/ his homework.  That is why we print out his grade and list of missing homework before we pick them up from school.  Then we email the teacher at the end of the wkend to let her know he did his homework, and she will email us back and let us know if he turned it in.  We were thinking that we could show a pattern of him getting behind and then caught up every two weeks because of us.  Are we wrong in doing this?  Should we just forget about helping him get caught up?  I really feel that it isn't right either, that the teacher accepts his homework late, and then at full credit.  But we feel since she does accept it, we might as well help him w/ it.  That way it shows SOMEONE is helping him.

Attendance, you would think, is an important matter.  However, the judge we saw didn't seem to put much stock into the fact that while the boys lived w/ us, they did not miss ANY school (in the first 1/2 of school yr.)  And then while they lived w/ BM they would miss 10-16 days of school in just the 2nd half of the school yr.  BM tried to explain away their absenses as dr appts and such.

In the past, I have communicated w/ BM.  So did DH, but as far as schedules and such, it was me since I know our schedule.  This year, that has all changed.  I have stopped communicating w/ BM about the boys.  It is all DH now.  I just stand there and smile, and be nice to her.

[gipsy]

I have seen  My friends case were cigarett smoking was a factor with him getting custody from the mother ;
    I have seen where failing school was a factor in the Dad getting custody in another case ,
   So You need to get an atty that is very reall like mine and realise the simplicity of this type of case , wich is
    The judge may or may not decide in your favor for the issues at hand , BUT the judge would be likely to from what I have seen ,
    So if you get an atty like mine that basically just would say
" Get the school records " And the Asthma diagnosis ' To the judge " And see if mom admits to smoking around an asthmatic child .
 Think about it , smoking near an asthmatic child ! The judge used this in part of her decision in her written conclusion for a friend of mine and he won , So  to me its worth asking a few atty's And I said A FEW not just one !

[step_momma_2boys]

Even though I have been dealing w/ these types of things for the last 6 yrs, we haven't always handled things correctly.  BM accuses us of "nit-picking" her.  So that's why I wanted some advice on whether we should just sit back and keep our mouths shut or what??

Next mediation appt is this Thurs.  Does anyone think these are issues that should be brought up?

[notnew]

The school issue is a bona-fide issue and you should file or have your attorney file a Motion For Modification of Custody due to a material change in circumstances.

The bedroom thing is an issue too. However, hard to prove since you haven't been in the house. If the court moves on the modification filed as per above, then a custody evaluation should follow which will include home visits to check out the living conditions. Problem should be settled with that.

The smoking thing. While I agree with you and personally I think cigarettes should be outlawed (from a reformed smoker who has been smoke free for 20 years). I don't think you'll get very far with this issue and the court may look at it as being nit-picky. Remeber, these type of nit-picky issues being raised repeatedly can make you look bad and possibly hurt your real case.

Stick to the main most important issue which is their education. Also attendance is a major factor as well. The fact of the matter is, that if the child turns in homework late, IMHO it shouldn't count. Unfair advantadge that the other kids aren't getting and the kid is learning that the wrong lesson here.

If you two keep child's grades up through your efforts, then who looks like a bad parent? Nobody and that thwarts your case. BM is the responsible parent and her actions should not be covered up. You have time to turn this child's life around.

You communicate with the BM? Probably not a good idea. You should allow DH to handle all communications and those should all be in a verifiable format (letters or e-mails).

I believe you should seek an attorney. You say you have not always handled things as you should over the last 6 years. Sounds like it is time to get it together and handle it right from now on. The kids lives depend on it. Don't let your anger get the best of you.

Good Luck!

[step_momma_2boys]

We REALLY don't have the money to file again.  We are still paying our lawyer (we still owe him $2500) from the last go around.  And we were ordered to pay BM $7,000 of her attorney fees.  (Also baby on the way this yr.)  That's why I wondered if the issue of the grades should be brought up in mediation.  That way it shows that DH is trying to WORK WITH her about it.  I don't think she will be able to keep it up though.  So, if we show we have tried to resolve the issue first and that didn't work, then wouldn't we have a better case for filing again?

We are also gun shy about filing again, being that the last time we did it feeling that we had condiderable evidence against BM, but yet she won and we had to pay.

So, this time we need to do things right.  That's why we have been helping SS#2 w/ his homework while he is with us.  We were told by someone that it is one thing to show that the child is failing while living w/ BM, but we would also need to show he wouldn't fail while w/ us.  The only way to do that is to help him w/ his homework.  That is why we print out his grade and list of missing homework before we pick them up from school.  Then we email the teacher at the end of the wkend to let her know he did his homework, and she will email us back and let us know if he turned it in.  We were thinking that we could show a pattern of him getting behind and then caught up every two weeks because of us.  Are we wrong in doing this?  Should we just forget about helping him get caught up?  I really feel that it isn't right either, that the teacher accepts his homework late, and then at full credit.  But we feel since she does accept it, we might as well help him w/ it.  That way it shows SOMEONE is helping him.

Attendance, you would think, is an important matter.  However, the judge we saw didn't seem to put much stock into the fact that while the boys lived w/ us, they did not miss ANY school (in the first 1/2 of school yr.)  And then while they lived w/ BM they would miss 10-16 days of school in just the 2nd half of the school yr.  BM tried to explain away their absenses as dr appts and such.

In the past, I have communicated w/ BM.  So did DH, but as far as schedules and such, it was me since I know our schedule.  This year, that has all changed.  I have stopped communicating w/ BM about the boys.  It is all DH now.  I just stand there and smile, and be nice to her.

[gipsy]

I have seen  My friends case were cigarett smoking was a factor with him getting custody from the mother ;
    I have seen where failing school was a factor in the Dad getting custody in another case ,
   So You need to get an atty that is very reall like mine and realise the simplicity of this type of case , wich is
    The judge may or may not decide in your favor for the issues at hand , BUT the judge would be likely to from what I have seen ,
    So if you get an atty like mine that basically just would say
" Get the school records " And the Asthma diagnosis ' To the judge " And see if mom admits to smoking around an asthmatic child .
 Think about it , smoking near an asthmatic child ! The judge used this in part of her decision in her written conclusion for a friend of mine and he won , So  to me its worth asking a few atty's And I said A FEW not just one !