Lying

[stepmom who cares]

Hi - I know I've seen in the past parents writing about what to do about kids lying.  My oldest SD - 11 - thinks it is okay to lie to me.  I've caught her a couple of times.  In the past - there has been no real punishment.  Mostly I've talked to her - or her Dad - about how lying is no acceptable in our home.  Well, I was doing laundry this weekend - and there was a pair of pants she borrowed from a friend.  I specifically told her last week to return them - I then asked if on Friday if she did - and she said yes.  I know there are bigger parenting issues in the world - and kids say things . . . but this has happened more than once.  Also, when I tell her not to do something - she still does.  I want to punish her - take something away she ejoys - her CD player or something.  My husband says I am over reacting . . . I don't. Plus, the 10 year old and 4 year old - will start to see this?  I really would appreciate your input!

[Indigo Mom]

My son could be caught on video tape doing something naughty...and he'd lie about it.  He's notorious for lying and it makes me go bonkers.  (yes, I go outside and throw a huge foot stomping fit it drives me so crazy)

I've had the talks with him...I've taken things away...I've done everything I "thought" possible to prevent this.  Nothing works...he still lies.  So, what I do is make him sit at the computer chair, facing a wall.  I give him "the talk" that goes in one ear and out the other, then make him sit in the chair for an hour, just staring at the walls.  Yes, an hour is a long time, but i'll be damned...don't lie to me!  LOLOL

While it doesn't seem to be working, he's still lying all the time, it gives him a punishment.  For some strange reason, I hold onto the hope that one day he'll understand that there are punishments for wrong doings.  So far...it ain't workin'!

-----I know there are bigger parenting issues in the world -----

I think a child who lies  is a HUGE parenting issue.  They can't do it.  They can stretch the truth, which they all do, but lying?  eh eh!  "mom, there's a big green monster outside my window" is alot different than "yes, I returned the jeans to my friends house"...when really she didn't.

-----Plus, the 10 year old and 4 year old - will start to see this-----

UGH!  YES!!!!!!  lil miss is starting to lie!!!  ugh ugh ugh!!!!!  I think, had I started the whole "staring at the wall thing" a long time ago, she would have seen that maybe lying isn't so "cool".  

-----My husband says I am over reacting . . . I don't. -----

forgive me my rudeness...but your husband needs to pull his head outta his arse!  Beating the living daylights out of a child for lying IS over reacting.  "talking" to her or finding other ways to let her know this is wrong is NOT over reacting.  Until daddy-o understands that lying is VERY bad...things probably won't change.  Both parents (or step parents) must come to an agreement on what is what.  

[stepmom who cares]

I've talked with husband - made a lunch date with him - had him one-on-one.  We are both going to talk with her tonight.  Even though it is awful timing - because she spent the day with her Mom (leads to many emotions) but we have to take care of it ASAP.  We agreed we could ask her what she believes the punishment is - and since she lied to me - I will have the final say!  He agreed that we will talk to the 10 & 4 year old and explain to them that the 11 year old is in trouble for lying and it is unacceptable in our home.  Since the 11 & 10 year old have been with their Mother today - it will be a hard night - but since there Mom is never going to get herself together - each time they visit it will be hard and our household must continue to operate the way we expect it to.

[mudbunnies]

our 13 yo has this issue as well as our 5 yo, the 5 yo goes between homes and his biggest lying issue is telling the bio mom stories about how bored he is or how everyone got more xmas presents than him, he's already learned to play the guilt thing on her...

back to the 13 yo, as there is no real punishment that suit this "crime" my husband and i have opted that each time our eldest is caught in a lie she gets a weekend of hard labor in the yard, its not the most effective punishment but man does it make her think, this perfumed, gotta be a girl 13yo who thinks she's 21 gets down right smelly after a hard days labor digging holes, cutting down trees etc....

as for the 5 yo, when/if we catch him in a lie, we require him to call his mother back (if he lied during a phone call) and apologize to her and tell her his lie (most effective concerning the i'm bored everyone got more presents recent lie)

pisses the bio mom off that we "torture" the poor child, however, we have explained, or attempted to, to her that lying is not acceptable in our home, no matter what she allows in hers.

we've had numerous talks with the 5 yo and used analogies to help him to understand that lying is bad.

its an uphill struggle but one we wont give up on, the morals we attempt to teach will eventually sink in.....

a little on the morbid/gross side, however, since our 13 yo hormones are kicking in and we've had the talk about sex, protection, abstinence, life, etc etc etc, i had her watch the TLC birthing story, and let me tell you, one look at the 19 yo crying over the contractions and the "messy" baby that was subsequently born got her squeamish enough to walk away from the tv going "oh no, no babies for me" however i did explain to her that later in life she may feel differently but i wanted her to understand the possible effects of any acts... and she does.... we've always had open communication between us and it has helped tons

she's not mad at me or anything for having to watch the show, in fact she's quite happy to have seen it to know what she does not want to go through right now as dating is just starting to peek its head around the corner.... she freely admits she wants to graduate, get a great job, have money and be able to party with her friends.....

off my soap box now.

[stepmom who cares]

UPDATE:  My husband talked with her.  He told her I get to pick the punishment.  I took all CD's and CD players away for a week.   Of course being 11 - she brought up 1000 more issues. How I spoil my bio-child, I blame the 11 year for everything, I don't trust her, I make her do all the work - you know the song and dance.  I've realized - as her Step-Mother - I will never make her happy - she will always complain and I have a long road in front of me.  Right now, I am thinking that an apartment would be nice . . . far away!

[mom4good]

Just keep showing her that you are doing it b/c you care and want her to grow into a responsible honest young lady. Of course, at her age she will not just look at you and say, "Oh, You're right. Thanks for the punishment!" But, in the end is where step parents get the recogntion and appreciation from their stepchildren.

I am SM and we have full time physical custody of a 13 yr old girl. Your story is dead on. I've found notes "lying around" that say I'm mean, she's told me that I'm just being mean etc etc. But she only acts this way if she's upset about being in trouble. She and I have a GREAT relationship. Over a 7 yr period, we have become mother and Daughter, and yet she still says these things. I can remember thinking them about my own BM, so it's not just us SM's.

I know that wen our children grow up they will be thankful for having fathers who cared enough to fight for them and stepmothers who loved them enough to have the hardest job in the world, yet never leave like their Bm's did. Stepparenting teaches you a lot about humility, Huh?