It can be so hard sometimes (long)

[All For Him]

First a breif history.  Our son was born in the fall of 2001.  His mother and I started having problems in early 2002, and I tried everything to work things out.  Her drug usage became apparent to me in June of 2003 and after many incidents of her not returning home for several days, and a domestic violence issue (she was arrested for assulating me) she moved out.  At that time, she moved over 100 miles away from us and was not interested in speaking with our son or I until she received the divorce papers.  I wanted to try and work things out, and was promised the drug usage had stopped, so I was driving to pick her up on the weekends and bringing her back home. Our relationship was on again off again without my knowledge (on while she was down with us, off when she was at home).   Because I had moved back in with my parents she was still living up north.  In Jan of 04 I moved her back down to our area, paid for her apt and gave her a car.  I finally came to my senses and realized that she wasnt going to change and I finalized the divorce in Mar 04.  At that point I had found SPARC and I was learning new things every day and taking every precaution for the well being of our son.  I was very lucky that a lot of the nasty tactics I have read on this site werent implimented by my ex.  She moved 4 times within a 2 month span, and on several occasions was living with known drug users.  After another domestic issue with her new partner while my son was with her, and being unsure exactly where she was living.  I decided to not allow her to take our son for visitation.  I allowed her to come and see him any time she wanted. I just couldn't bare to think of some of the places she had been bringing our son.  She didnt see him much for a few months, or even call me.  On several occasions I had planned on me picking her up and going to the park with our son, and I recieved no answer when calling her.  

She continued to move place to place because she had no job to pay rent anywhere until finally, I learned this later, she wound up in the hosptial from an overdose of Heroin.  A lot of the people she was staying with at the time were unaware of her habit and were helping her out until this incident when they realized a lot of things that came up missing over the course of her stay were from her and her partner.  About a month ago she moved to her fathers house about 250 miles away from us because she has worn out her welcome everwhere here.  Before she left, I was still unaware she was injecting heroin, we had a discussion where she said she was probably going to just disappear.  That our son was getting taken care of, and that he would be better of without her around.  I told her that he loved her very much, and she needed to get her life together for him.  She has since disappeared and has had no contact with us in several weeks.  Since then I have been contacted by several of her friends that wanted to make sure I knew what was going on and about a lot of other things that she has been involved in over the last year, some of which shocked and saddened me.  

My main concern is this.  We have a great support system, I moved back home and have my Mother, Father, and little sister who support me and help me a tremendously.  I can see that all this that has gone on in the past year has affected my son, he is frustrated and he doesn't know how to express himself.  He has a lot of love in his life, I have worked my hardest to make our life as stable as possible, but he seems unhappy at times.  I have tried to talk to him about the situation, but he doesnt really understand yet so I just him know how much he is loved by everyone, including his mommy.   It kills me inside to know that he is frustrated, and I have hard time trying to figure out how to make it easier for him.  I know there is something I can do, some way that I can make it easier.  I just hope I can make it better before it causes him any severe emotional damage.  Sorry this is so long.  It feels good to get it out to someone, sometimes my parents and freinds just dont understand how much it hurts.  If anyone has any suggestions on how to make this transition of not having mommy around better for him I would appreciate anything. thanks

AllForHim

[Kitty C.]

First of all, I just want to let you know that you're doing GREAT with your child, that you should feel no guilt in what is happening with your son.  That is your ex's doing, NOT yours.

But your son is still VERY young and certainly does not have the vocabulary to describe how he feels.  The only thing I could recommend is to take him to a child psychologist, someone who specializes in talking to kids his age in a way they can understand and can communicate on their level.

One other thing to think about, too.  Children are our mirrors.  It can be completely unconscious and unintentional, but it's possible that your son is picking up your fears and frustrations from you and just responding to it.  Mind you, I said it's 'possible'.  When you use a process of elimination to rule out what might be going on, it is something to think about.

So if you find a child psychologist, I also recommend you speak with that person privately as well.  They can also assist you in learing how to deal with the situation and how to make it better for your son.  Above all else, you are doing exactly what you need to in order to protect him from the bad environment his mother is in and could put him in.

Good luck to you and your son!

[All For Him]

Thank you Kitty for the advice.  I usually am pretty calm (I'm a 911 dispatcher) and i try to portray that around my son.  I have been thinking a lot about the psychologist.  My mother knows a lot of child psych's from working with the School Board.  I definitely would like to talk to a professional myself about how to handle his tantrums and discipline. Thanks again.

All For Him

[Kitty C.]

Then welcome, comrade!  I'm an EMT and have talked to the likes of you MANY times!  You have no idea how much I respect your position.....or how glad I am that you're there...you guys are our lifeline!

Don't get me wrong, tho.  I just went on a code last night and my 15 y.o. son knew the MOMENT I walked in the door that something was wrong.  Sometimes that poker face you try to put on deceives you, you know?  Kids can be INCREDIBLY intuitive, you know?

You certainly have the connections to hook up with someone.....I'd certainly take advantage of that.  Also you might want to check out a family therapist.  My son has been going to one for almost a year, starting because of a totally different matter, but now she's helping our whole family on other issues and has given me a LOT of help in how to be creative in my parenting.  Not only do I have a teenage boy, but he's ADHD as well!  So I've learned that I have to stay on my toes, sometimes even more so than when he was younger.

Good luck and let us know how things go!