different rules at both houses

[hopeful_25]

How do you deal with being the stricter household?  My 11yr old ss has his own phone line at BM--not here.  He says he is allowed to be on it for any amt of time up until 11PM---not here.  We tell him no calls (in or out) after 8PM.  He has taken over the phone. He is on it all day.  His friends at BM's call our house because they are long distance and DH won't let him be on the phone that long.  I have offered prepaid phone cards for good grades and chores---we will see if it works.   He won't answer it if it is for my daughter so he loses priviledges of the phone.  I want to know how others handle this situation.   Thank you!

[sherrie ohio]

If you figure it out let me know.We are dealing with a simaler deal.Cleaning up after one's self,toys,books,clothes ect.And showing more respect towards people and their belongings.We just try and explain thats not how we do things here.Mommy has her way we have our's,everyone does things differnt.But when your here it will be done our way.The awards deal sounds like a great idea.Chores and good behavior for phone time .Best of luck,hang in there!

[NJDad]

Hi,

I am a single residential parent of 4 children under 11 years of age.

I resolved many of these issues by seeing a parenting coach, who by the way works via the telephone for most of the sessions and the on-the-spot parenting situations that flair up from time to time.

She taught logical consequences, both good and bad, plus four other techniques. The phone access to the BM's household should not be restricted. This may become a problem, because I know a friend at work who's daughters are on the phone with their mom until 1 AM. I can see where this may be a problem since they are supposed to be asleep. The BM mom should understand that a 10 PM curfew to her house is imposed. And that's it. This is not unreasonable.

As far as calling their friends. Stick to your guns. If they want to call after 8, until 10 PM, then they have to do chores around the house. Be consistant. After a couple of weeks, you won't have to reinforce the policy and they will know you are serious about it. It's just part of their family obligations, not something that they get paid for. However, getting extra phone time is a benefit. A weekly allowance is not stressed, but if the kids have good behavior then their efforts should be rewarded. It does not have to be cash, but could be getting them something that they are desiring. You want to give them something because they are deserving of it, not because you have to or are forced into it. Kids are smart and they'll catch onto what's going on.

As far as the phone costs, either get your carrier's $50+ unlimited national calling plan or get a VoIP line from Vonage. many people at work have installed these and do nothing but praise them. It will keep your costs down to being real cheep. Depending on if you are getting a lot of collect calls, you may want to investigate an 800 service add-on.

The kids will always say, at Mom's I can do this -or- Dad let's me do this. This is something that they will have to learn is different. Each parent has different styles and beliefs of how things should be handled. If the child's request is not onerous or out-of-line, then I do not see why it should not be allowed.

IMHO, at 11 years of age, a 10 PM phone curfew is reasonable. 11 PM is pushing it but if your child is up at that time without any adverse effects, that 11 PM may work as well. I feel an 8 PM limit is a little harsh in this day and age.

Best wishes,
Wayne

[dontunderstand]

We are also the "stricter" household.  SD has free-reign at home, as a matter of fact, she has stated "I don't get in trouble at home, my mom just rocks me (like a baby, she is 7, and has conversations with me"  Our solution is to have a set of family rules, for this house.  Period.  And you have to be rediculously consistant!  At first you hear..."my mom said.. or well, at my mom's house... etc...but you have to say well in this house...or you can say then that is what you are expected to respect in that house, but here we...it doesn't take much time for them to adapt.  I know it is hard to be "the bad guy"  but to be honest, kids CRAVE limits and boundries and rules. (I work at a crisis center for teens, I PROMISE this is true!)  Good luck and stick with it, it will pay off!

[wendl]

Your house your rules PERIOD.

The longer you stick to it the easier it gets.

My stepkids are allowed to play/watch shows that my son (whom is a few years older than my stepkids) is not allowed to play/watch. It frustrates him but he knows my rules. If my stepkids come over with a video game (that is not rated for their age) it gets put up.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[mj]

Stick to your guns...I believe your ss will appreciate them in the long haul.  

my sc get to go to their bd on the weekends and all they have to do is play play play...well, they get to do that at our house too, but they have rules and sometimes get time out and all the things that normal people would do if they wanted their children to grow up knowing there is RIGHT and WRONG.  We hate to see her bio daughters, and my step childrens little sad faces when we discipline them, but I recall having punishment from my mom and dad when I was a child and I am grateful they did...so little sad faces and all, rules need to be followed, EVERYWHERE.  

The hard part is waiting until they come up to you with a little one hanging off their knee, to say "Thanks for the guidance...I know you meant well and now it is my turn:)"

[hopeful_25]

Thank you for all your advice.  We appreciate the help!