need to vent and get other opinions

[Kboeds]

I will try to make this as short as possible but please bare with me.

I have a 16 year old DD who I had custody of for the first 14 1/2 years of her life. My DD has mild cerebral palsy and when diagnosed I was told the doctors weren't sure if she would ever walk. BF and I separated and divorced when DD was around 10 months old. BF was not present when DD was diagnosed, he never attended any of her Dr or therapy visits he wouldn't even take us when I didn't have a car for 2 years.

I on the other hand, left my job, went on welfare, lost my care and had to move into government housing so that I could spend every moment working with her and making sure she got the treatment she needed and deserved. Her BF never carried insurance on her (not one day of her life even now) Yes it was court ordered. He always sent letters stating he couldn't get insurance on her because she had a pre-existing condition. Kind of Ironic since I have never had a problem getting her covered.

So BF remarried when DD was around 3 and new wife has no problem completely supporting him financially with the exception of having to pay his child support. He doesn't like to work but may 6 months at a time here and there. For over 11 years I have dealt with constant attempt by them in alianating my daughter from me. Always telling her they were going to do things for or with her, but they couldn't because it was not their weekend and I wouldn't let her go on my weekend. I was stupid and over the years gave them more and more time with her. She was gone nearly every weekend and almost the whole summer because they would constantly make plans for trips and parties during what should have been my time. Then they would tell her I didn't love her and was being mean to them and her by not letting her do things with them.

Things got worse and worse over the years to the point that when we had plans such as trips or family coming into town, they would offer up something really fun to get her to come to their house. I started saying NO because we had plans and they new it. My daughter started coming home with her hair colored and being told that if she lived with them they would get her in acting like her little sister and stuff like that. Her BF has been telling her all these years that when she turned 13 she could tell the judge that she didn't want to live with me and she could live with them.

Well at 14 1/2 I offered to let my SD move in with us during a separation from her husband and DD got really pissed. She said she didn't want any other kids living here. Shortly after that her grades dropped from A B to D's. I grounded her and while she was grounded at home, her BF and step mom were letting her have her friends spend the weekend at their home. Then they told her that if she lived with them, she would have a car and her license when she turned 16. (something I had already told her wouldn't happen with me.) Remember my daugher has Cerebral Palsy and we had already been told she would need special driving instruction in order to drive. The instruction course is 3 to 4000.00 dollars and then you still have to pay to have modifications done to a vehicle. I can't afford that. So then, while she was at her BF's her report card came in, now she even had an F on her report card. DD came home from BF's that weekend with a new cell phone. BF and SM made sure to tell her that I would probably take the phone away from her because of her grades.

So lets move ahead. DD is a patient of Shriners Hospital and after mulitple surgeries, all of which required my being off work for months at a time, lots of therapy, and lots of visits, she now only has to be seen once or twice a year. I have worked very hard to get my daughter where she is today. Most people can't even tell anything is wrong with her until they get to know her. They may notice a limp but even that is mild. I told her BF when she went to live with him that I have done 100% of her medical care her entire life and he has never had anything at all to do with it. I told him when she went to live with him, that he needed to be the one to take her to her Shriners appointments but that I would still want to be a part of those visits.

By the way, a week after she got the cell phone, DD told me she wanted to move in with her dad. It was supposed to be a trial move until the Christmas break, but BF went straight to a lawyer and the custody papers were finalized in Oct. Shriners contacted me to schedule her appointment the year after she move in with her dad because they didn't know about the changes. I notified her dad and he said I could set up the appointment and he would take her. I also found out that my daughters leg brace had been rubbing blisters on her foot and when she told her dad, he told her not to wear it. She had gone several months without wearing it and her leg had gotten much worse. Well the appointment was scheduled and BF said he would take her. I was in contact with the hospital because after over 10 years I know the staff there very well, and I was told that BF didn't take her to the appointment. Her SM took her. Because her SM took her my duaghter couldn't be treated  because only her parents can sign for treatment.

My daughter had to have injections and be casted for 3 months because she hadn't been wearing her brace. SM first told them that she had been DD SM for 12 years, then when they told her how bad DD had gotten because she hadn't worn her brace, SM said we had NO IDEA about any of this. (WHAT A LIE!!!) DD had to go several times over the next few months and only because Shriners told them they would not treat her unless she was with her father or me, BF actually took her to like 2 or 3 of her visits. I also took her to one of them.

Well it is time for her next appointment. As expected BF called me last week and told me he can't take her to her appointment. No surprize there. He said that if I couldn't take her SM would take her knowing that Shriners has already told her she can't approve treatment. BF told me that if I could take her, that SM would bring her to my house the night before so that I would not have to drive the 40 + miles round trip to go get her. That is on top of the 60 + miles round trip to Shriners.

When I called BF and told him I could take her I ask what time SM would be bringing her over. BF spoke to SM for a minute while I was on the phone then came back and said SM would have to see what she could do. She would have all the kids (3 kids- ages 11, 16 and 16) and she might not have time to bring her. I reminded him that he had already told me she could bring her over and he said she would have to see. (let me mention at this time, that SM tells everyone that she is DD mom. All my DD's school records are mailed to SM. Not to the parents of or to BF, DD school records show her parent to be SM's name. She takes DD to all her other dr appointments and when I have called to ask questions of the Dr office. They tell me they will only release information to DD's mother. I said I am her mother and they say our file show SM's name as the mother.

So DD calls tonight and tells me that SM told her to tell me that she can't bring her to my house the night before her appointment. Now I'm expected to drive over 100 miles round trip to pick her up and take her to an appointment that BF should be responsible for. On top of that, I just got a bill from them requesting my 50% of DD birth control pills. (Something I totally disagree with but SM took her and got her on)

So do I be a bitch and tell them if SM can't meet me half way then I can't take her? Do I tell them they wanted custody, so along with all the hair color, body peircing and fun stuff, they need to deal with the real stuff too? Do I tell them SM had to take her when I know they won't be able to treat her? Do I tell them SM has to take her then just show up to the appointment. (The appointment is only about 15 or 20 minutes from my job) I will have to leave work at 11:00 to make a 1:30 appointment if I have to go get her from their house or school.)

I know I'm rambling, but as you can probably tell I am highly ticked off! They have never participated in her care, I have done it all. Then they buy her away from me and still expect me to take care of the serious stuff. Do I just continue to give in like I have done for years and quietly go get her and take her so that she gets the treatment that she needs or do I make them take responsibility for this? I'm so upset, I am trying not to act totally on my emotions.

I really am sorry this is so long, and I know I probably left out some important parts but I had to vent. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Thanks
KB

[Ref]

You did all the legwork. You made all the hard calls and now BF and SM can just stroll in and enjoy the spoils.

This is the only bits of advice I can offer.

Your daughter is 16. She SHOULD know better than to take her brace off. If she didn't, she should know now. Give her some of the blame (definately not all, but some). I would talk to her about what needs to be done medically to keep her going. I would talk DIRECTLY to her about these things. This will not only avoid issues with your ex but also prepare her for having to take care of herself in 2 year. I think you should offer to take her to the Dr's appointments if they meet you half way. Make sure your girl knows when they are and stress (subtally) what needs to be done so she doesn't have complications.

About SM taking DD to the dr. Maybe Shriners is different, but my SD needed to go for a physical. DH was out of town on work that week. We called ahead and DH signed a waiver stating that I was there on his behalf and was able to make medical decisions. Thank goodness because BM hadn't had SD for her booster shots. So it is possible that SM can take her and have her treated.

Does your Parenting agreement state anything about school records? FERPA is a federal law that allows you to have access to your daughter's records. Most schools are a pain in the butt about it, but that have to send you at least some info. I believe that you can also have them change the SM name as mom to yours. I don't think that having the reports sent to SM is really anything to stress over though (as long as you can go to the school for conferences and get her report card).

What does your parenting agreement say about shared medical costs? If it mentions "necessary" then you might not have to pay for the BC pills unless she has a bleeding problem that they might fix.

The hardest thing that we (non-custodial SM and BF) had to wrap our heads around since SD turned 15 is that she needs to share responsibility. We now have to tell her directly what the decisions we made are and why and if she doesn't like it, tell us why and we will compromise (or not). It doesn't work all the time partially because of BM and partially because of the zillion hormones racing around her brain. The only comfort is, when she is older and it on her own, she will see who did the right thing by her and who blew smoke.

Do the right thing by her. Be honest and tell her directly that the drive is too far to do the whole round trip and that you need help to get her to the appointment. See if she can help offer solutions.

Anyway, good luck and 2 years is not so far away.

ref

[Kboeds]

Thanks for the reply Ref.
Your first sentence is Exactly right. Even now that they have her.

I have stressed and stressed to DD about wearing her brace over the years. Her BF and SM told her her brace looks goofy at their house when she was little and after that she wouldn't ever wear it when she was with them. She spent the summer with them when she was 13 and when she had her check up at Shriners after that, the Dr. wanted to put her back on the list for another surgery because her leg had gotten so bad from not wearing her brace. I thought that would have taught her because she started wearing her brace regularly (remeber she was back home with me then.) and she was doing her stretches so her leg got better and the Dr. decided not to do the surgery after all. Last year after being with them for 7 months and not wearing her brace the Dr. decided to go with Botox and casting to correct the damage. DD said the Botox was so painful and that she doesn't want to go thru that again. I don't think she wears her brace all the time now, but I feel pretty confident that she is at the very least sleeping in it and that gives her at least 8 hours a day. Much better then before. I told DD that if her brace rubs blisters in the future and her dad won't do anything about it again and tells her just not to wear it, to call me and I'll make sure her brace gets fixed. She knew I would take care of that.

I basically did offer 1/2 way to them. So what do I do if they won't meet me? Do I then say then I can't take her? Or do I just give in? I have a feeling the only reason SM won't meet me half way is because she wants to be the one to take her. They need to lie to the Dr. and I don't think she wants me taking her because I will tell him the truth. I think she wants me not to take her. That is why I thought I would tell them I can't take her because that is too much driving. Let SM take her then I will just show up at the appointment. That way, she does all the driving, and I get to go to the appointment which is exactly what SM doesn't want.

Just a tid bit, the reason SM won't bring her to me is because 11 year old sister as cheerleading practice. Sounds like SM had her priorities all worked out.

The Dr. that my DD see's at Shriners told SM she could not sign for treatment. He did see my DD and exam her while SM was there but my DD treatment had to be postponed for a month so that dad could bring her for that. BF and SM have always told DD that there is nothing wrong with her and that I have just made it all up to keep control over her. Just like SM saying they had no idea about any of this after bragging that she has been SM for 12 years. DD has had multiple surgeries and been confined to a wheel chair for over two months at a time and they had no idea and they tell her there is nothing wrong with her. Grrrrr

The school is going to be getting a letter from me soon. Last year I sent a letter to the ARD cordinator requesting my DD ARD records and she did not send them to me. I then sent a letter to the principle and requested them again. I did get some of the records I requested but didn't get the ARD papers for several months after that. DD then came to my house for a visit and said something about her Report card. She said something about me getting it because I called the school. I said how did you know I called the school. DD said that the school had called SM and ask her permission to release the information I was asking for.
needless to say I went off right then and there. Well in Sept 2005 my DD had an ARD meeting at the school and only because I kept asking her (DD) when it was, I was able to attend. AT the meeting the Coordinator told me right there in front of DD and BF that she would send me a copy of her ARD papers and that she has my address to send them. It is now January, I have emailed her twice and called once and still don't have DD ARD papers. So I will be sending a letter to the principle and the administration office about this.

The agreement does say 50% of necessary medical expense. I have already pissed them off for telling them I WILL NOT pay for any of her driving instruction or modifications. Driving is not medically necessary and they are the ones who promised her a drivers license at 16 not me. DD said that when she went to the Dr. to get on the pill, the Dr said her  problem is normal for girls her age and she would grow out of it on her own. SM insisted on birth control pills.

I do know that DD is old enough to know what is going on. I want so badly to ask her if she sees the truth now. Does she see that little sisters Cheerleading is more important then her medical care? Does she see that she was promised, acting, driving, car, other activities, that have still not happened? It was all empty promises and she still acts like she doesn't care. When she told me yesterday that SM couldnt' take her she started with "well I don't like this but" I don't know what she didn't like. The fact that SM doesn't care enough to take her half way, or the fact that she had to tell me.

Your right, she will be 18 before you know it, she is graduating a year early next year so she will graduate at 17. I can't wait till her 18th birthday so that I can cut them off!!!

Thanks again for your input and for listening.

KB

[Kboeds]

I spoke to DD last night, she said that SM said she could bring her over after little sisters practice but she wouldn't have her here until 9:30 or 10:00 pm. I told DD that was fine.

I then had a talk with DD about why I was upset about the situation to begin with. SM changing her plans about bringing DD to my house.

About 15 minutes after I spoke to DD I got a call from BF. I knew it was him and he was probably doing to bitch at me so I let it go to voicemail so that I didn't get into it with him. He left a message stating that they didn't need me to take DD to her appointment. He said he was going to try and make it back in time, but if he didn't SM would take her. He said, I had to go and make a big deal out of it and he was not going to have his wife and daughter out until 10:00 at night just so I don't have to make a trip out and pick up MY daughter for a Shriners appointment. He said how quickly I forget that they brought her to me on Christmas and saved me a trip to their house to pick her up. (LOL)

I called DD and ask her what she told SM and she said she ask her if she could bring her to my house after practice. I said, didn't you tell me that she suggested that? Didn't SM say she could bring you then? DD said yes. I said then how am I making a big deal out of it, when she has offered twice now to bring you and when I take her up on her offer she changes her mind and now she is getting your dad to call and bitch at me.

I told DD to also keep in mind that they did not do me any favors by bringing her to me on Christmas. I reminded her that she was the one who called me and told me that her dad and SM had plans on the day after Christmas and they would be leaving really early in the morning. I told her that I was prefect okay with picking her up at my court ordered time. DD then called me a couple of days later and said that they would be spending Christmas at SM's mothers house (which is like 10 minutes from me) and she wanted to know if it was okay if they dropped her off afterwards. I told DD if she wanted to come over that was fine with me because we didn't have any plans. DD was dropped off around 9:30pm Christmas night.

Now they are throwing it in my face that they did me a favor and saved me a trip when that was all about them and had nothing to do with me.

Anyway, I ask DD if she wanted me at her Dr. Appointment or not and she said she would rather I take her because her SM doesn't know what she is doing. She said she would rather I take her then her dad too, but if he makes it in town in time he will want to take her. So we left off with if her dad does not make it back in time, I will drive 50+ miles from work to her school, then 50+ miles back to the Dr. Appointment, then 45+ miles back to their house to drop her off.

I will do this because my daughter wants me to take her and be there. Why? because I know what I'm doing when it comes to her disability and after 16 years she is finally realizing that.

18 can not come soon enough. Please God let her graduate next year so that I won't have to keep going on like this after her 18th birthday.

Thanks all
KB

[Ref]

100 miles is a long drive but at least your daughter knows it.

DH had a similar experience last night with his DD. She called him and started talking about all we have done for her. I really think that that is the only way to keep us going is the hope that she will continue to see that. Naturally, as teenagers they wont always see it but as long as the glimmer of hope is still there...

1208 days left for us. CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Good Luck
Ref

[Troubledmom]

I don't know if all the Shriners Hospitals are the same... but for my son, one of the things we did starting with his first appointment after turning 16 until his appointment just prior to turning 18 was for the doctors and staff to do more addressing things to him rather than me. I still had to sign consents and stuff but son was making treatment decisions.

They also provided him with the information for services for 18-21 year olds and set him up with one of the counselors to go over his treatment at the appointment we had just prior to his 18th birthday.

Our Shriners was very helpful during the transitional period between teenager and 'adult'. It may be something to bring up at the next appointment.

TM

[Kboeds]

Thanks for the info Troubledmom.

We have actually been talking to DD's Dr. about this for a while now. A new update after talking to DD tonight. Her dad will be home in time to take her to the appointment so I'm not allowed to go now. Like I said before I work maybe 10 miles from Shriners so I told DD that even if someone else took her I could get there for the appointment. DD doesn't want me around her dad and SM because they are too immature to be in the same room with me.

Pretty sad huh?

I will just have to wait until after her appointment and call and talk to her Dr. She only gets seen once a year now unless there is a problem so I assume they will not have her back until next year. That could be her last appointment but we will have to wait and see. Her dad doesn't think she even needs them, even though Shriners has made unbelievable improvements for my DD.

DD ask me recently if next year would be her last appointment because she will turn 18 before the next appointment. I told her and she knows that I have been discussing this time of her life with the Dr. for a long time. My DD wants to continue to see her Dr. in private practice once she has to leave Shriners care. I told her that since I'm not in charge of that anymore and her dad is the one making the decision, I don't even know if she will go next year, much less what will happen after that.

I know if I tell them I am going next year no matter who takes her then her dad won't have any part of it. That is the way it is now. If I say I'm going to be at an appointment or meeting he doesn't go. Only 2 times has he shown up when I planned to be there.

Anyway, thank you for the info. I can only wait and see what happens.

KB

[mishelle2]

    I am a stepmom,,of 2 (with 2 seperate bm's arent I the lucky one) anyways I also have stepparents, which have been around a very long time, and looking back I noticed that the more my mom and stepdad talked about my dad even if it was the simplist stuff.. if it was negative that is all I heard.. I became his little soldier, I felt it was my job to stand up for my dad even if what they were saying may have been true..
   You see you know your daughter is where she is at today because of your help, however .. your telling her this and pointing out her fathers flaws may be shooting you in the foot. If you show your daughter you are the bigger person and show her that you are there for her.. shell understand.. maybe not today.. heck not even tomorrow :) but when shes looking back on it.. shell see,, you may even from time to time make yourself not so available to your daughter, if she needs something tell her, that you love her very much, however you cant.
    Because What I see is that hmm your dd gets to do all the fun stuff at dads, but you will always do what youve allways done, therefore why would she need to live with you if the benefits are all the same?

Now these are just my opinions and I hope they can give you a different insight..
good luck to you

[Kboeds]

Thank you very much for the response mishelle2,

You are right about DD being daddy's little protector. I know that is my fault as well. I spent many years not saying anything about his failure to participate and all the while tried to keep him informed. It was difficult at times because of things he would say and do, but I kept my mouth shut.

Over the last few years it became much harder to keep my mouth shut and when I would blow I blew about his non-participation in her treatment and life in general. As you said, when I would blow and tell her things, she would defend him all the more. All that did was tick me off more.

I know DD is seeing the truth now, things that she says and questions that she ask. She has ask lots of questions over the past year and the answer is always something I did, she did or she and I got the doctors to do. When she ask questions, her father is not mentioned because he was not part of it. I don't have to point that out to her, I only have to answer the question and she can see for herself.

DD telling me that her dad and SM don't know what they are doing when it comes to Shriners told me a lot about how her feelings have changed.

Quick update.. BF took DD to her appointment, I contacted her physical therapist before the appointment and told her that DD had a lot of questions for the Dr and that she may not be comfortable asking them with her BF there. I ask the PT to help encourage the questions if DD wasn't able to. DD had me walk her through her appointment over the phone the night before the appointment.

I told DD that she has been going to Shriners for a long time and she has been watching me long enough. I told her that if she has questions or concerns she knows she should come right out and ask the Dr. Be honest with him and he will do the same for her. I told her that if she was uncomfortable talking to them with her dad there then she should ask the Dr. if she could talk to him privately. DD said she wouldnt do that.

So I got an email from the PT after the visit that just said to call her. She said DD ask all the questions and shined like a star. She said "we saw your ex-husbands true colors" YEEPEE!!!! (That part was my response. LOL)

DD was put back in a cast to stretch her out again. DD and the Dr. decided that she will probably never drive and BF was told very strictly that he is not to be parent teaching her and that he is putting his daughter in danger doing that not to mention everyone else on the road. BF said they would keep working with her until they find out she just can't do it. The Dr. looked at BF and said Guess what? she just can't do it!

After they got home from the appointment, SM told DD that she should keep practicing so that if anything ever happened she could at least drive short distances. (THESE PEOPLE JUST DON"T GET IT!!) DD told me that her Dr. told her not to drive and she is not going to dirve.

I really appreciate everyones input. It helps to vent and get other opinons on things.

Thanks
KB