Do I just give up and....

[grazer]

Do I just give up? I obtained custody of my handicapped son in April/04 from my ex/BM. Ex had custody for 7yrs prior to me obtiaing custody. Son is 16yrs old, but only in the 9th grade due to prior medical issues. Son maturity level is that of his peers (normal 9th graders 14-15yrs of age). And due to his medical issues and his BM babying him, he's maturity age is more that of a 13-14yr old in my opinion and opinion of other family members. I gained custody of son because of several reasons; ex failing to provide for him, his desire to come and live with me, that his mom had mid-school year taken son out of regular school and was going to home school but for 2month never actually implemented/facilitated his home schooling, failed to maintain his therapies, and refused to gain qualified doctors for son's care.

When son came to live with me I provided for him; several qualified medical doctors to follow his care, qaulified physical/occupational therapist, small private school, tutoring, encouraged his participation in school marching band, made sure envloved in church, ect. Son appeared happy for the first 6-12months of him living with me. Grades were good, he had semi-regular visitation with his BM, made friends, went on camp trips church/band. I attended to his every need and attended all activities. I did everything I knew to do to make his life happy and special.

In Summer/05 things begain to change. Son begain being somewhat withdrawn from activities/friends and begain wanting more and more time spent with his BM. His BM lives 3.5hours away. The last week of Summer/05 ex enabled/coached son to lie to me and not return for his final week of summer before school started. When son finally did return (gone whole week rather than just the weekend--a lot of background to this incident not given) son stated that he wanted to go back to live with his mom.

His mom allows him to be very lazy, allows him to do whatever he wishes, mom babies him, mom cudles/promotes his im-mature behavior, mom tucks him into bed (16yrs old), son/mom's favorite activities is watching movies-rented/at theater and dinning out and church. Son here has chores/restrictions/firm but loving home.

Ex has set a court date for a custody hearing. Originally set for Nov/05, then reset/delayed till Jan/06 and now set for May/06. Son has signed a letter of parental election stating that he wishes to live with his mom, brainwashing by his mom and son's mom babying him.

Son now has begun this behavior of acting like his mom has already gain custody of him and he's just living here until the court order is fullfilled. Son is acting to his friends at school that he's not going to be there next year and thus really not attempting to be a part. Son is demanding to attend all of his EOW visitation, giving up activities here that he normally would have died to go to; to be allowed to attend EOW visitation. Son has begun to pull away from me and his family here and all he desires to do is play video games/watch tv in his room(I know some of the video is age approperiate).

I have had long talks about his decision and his desire to go back and live with his mom. I have attempted to explain that his life wasn't so good when he lived his mom before and that the things that I had/have provided for him are things that will greatly determine his future and that in my opinion and opinion of other family members (ex own parents) that son's future/adulthood will greatly harmed by him going to live with his mom. That this is a very serious concern and not to be taken lightly or taken just because things will be easier for him and he will not be forced to grow up.

So, between now and the time May/06 court date comes, do I just give up and back off. Do I just let him go? Do I just shut up? Do I just let him experince this for himself? Do I just let him be up his mother's $&*@ and wrong nuturing of him? Note: his mother is the master manipulator and is very psycotic. Do I attempt further explain my concerns, thus further alienating him from me? (everything I say is wrong and everything his mom does is correct/marvelous) Do I even fight this in court, knowing in little over 1.5yrs he'll be 18yrs and can demand to go live with his mom then and legally be able to(even though he will be in the 11th grade)?

Feed back from persons that have had this happen to them would be greatly appreciated.

Grazer

[Sunshine1]

Hi Grazer!  Haven't seen you in a while.

I am not personally going through this but my best friend is.  Her son lives with his father.  SM is a master controller and basically what she says goes.  Her son is failing 11th grade at the present time.

Over the summer she had petitioned for more visitation because the original orders were done when he was like 3.  I helped her update the orders to what she would be entitled to nowadays and BF out right had no problems with extra visitation until the SM saw the papers.

They went back and forth about it, kicked the son out because he wanted to live with her and by the end of summer he moved back in because the BF/SM threatened to cut him off so he went back because money talks.  (Father very wealthy) well BM decided she at least deserved to see him more she wasn't even asking for him to live with her she just wanted a little more time. She served the papers.  The BF consulted an attorney.  Attorney told him he was an idiot and to take the deal.  LOL

NOW, after all of that the child had started seeing his mom more, expresses that when he graduates he will be moving with his mother to TX.  BF got a car for the child, and now makes him work 6 days a week to make the payments (family business).  BM got report card, child failing 11th grade.  Nothing but F's and D's.  At this point she calls the BF, he says "as his employer" I need that position filled and she said  YOUR HIS FATHER NOT HIS EMPLOYER!!  YOUR HIS FATHER FIRST!

Anyway it is up in the air at the moment as to what BM is going to do with her son, but the father is more concerned with is company than his grades.  He has left it totally up to his son.  He always says "its his decision".

My take on this situation and yours is when did we start letting 16 year olds do what they want?  There is a reason there is a custody agreement and they do not get to choose.  That's why the rule is 18, your an adult, then and only then do you get to f-up your life, but until then your butt is mine.

I wouldn't give up.  I would tell that judge that your son is playing games which it totally sounds like here.  He is playing one off the other and he needs stability, permanency, and consistancy to finish out his school career.  When the going gets tough he wants to move.  Life is tough, you don't get to just run away from it when you don't get your way.

I would simply tell him I appreciate your feelings but I know what is best for you and it is not to live in that environment.  You are free to do what you like when you turn 18 or graduate but until then I will fight every step of the way to make sure you have a better life while in my care.  Your a great Dad Grazer.  You are doing the right thing.

Keep us updated.  May is a long ways away.  A lot can happen.  Get him back involved with his friends..Have a party..go on vacation.  Fight fire with fire!  :)

[Ref]

If you present it to the judge that the child is being wishy/washy and show all of the progress he has made since he has been with you, I think you have a good chance.

Think of it this way, you only have 1.5 years left to help him learn about being a man and being independent. That time is precious.

Good Luck
Ref

[MixedBag]

You make the comment that "in little over 1.5yrs he'll be 18yrs and can demand to go live with his mom then and legally be able to(even though he will be in the 11th grade)?"  have to ask if this is true in your state because many states also include clauses that require high school graduation or whichever comes LATER after 18.  

See my MD is 18 next month, but high school graduation is in May, so not until MAY can she emancipate.

I remember your anguish from years ago.....and everything that you described for your son.  

All along the years I've been divorced, and that's 17 now, I've been told that a child's wishes is only ONE part of the formula.  Now some states have gone to the child's wishes decide (I think GA was one).  

I say that IF you can get a counselor or professional on board to that can testify how your son's life improved from the time you received custody to the time BM convinced him to go back, and to testify as to the differences in both homes, then I'd keep fighting to do what's in HIS best interest.

Could it be that IF he returns to BM and she goes along her merry path, that the child will never be an independent adult and that this is what she's looking forward to -- support for the child beyond the normal years because you do not have a normal situation.

It's tough when the kids start saying (threatening) they want to go live with the other parent no matter what the circumstances.....but in your case, I don't think your son can really think clearly for himself.

Good luck and glad to see you post and come here for help!