What do i do with this one?

[iceclimber]

school has just begun here.

on 8/12 i received an email from SM stating that she would like me to send the supplies list for DD the day it is received so that she has time to get the items, rather than waiting until the weekend. no problem there.

before school started i found some of the lists (3 of 8) on the schoolnotes.com website. so i forwarded that to SM as soon as i found it.

school started 8/18. DD came home with lists. BF called to talk to both children so see how their first day was at school. a bit unusual, but still no problem.

DD gave me her lists and told me that it needed to be sent to BF and SM. looking at the lists, i realized that two of the lists had already been sent to them.

so i emailed them lthe additional information on the hard copy lists.

8/19 5:35am i receive an email from SM stating that she already had those items and would need the lists in order to separate the items per class. NP again.

8/19 7:39am  "I am not really sure the reasoning as to why you did not have DD do as I requested. However, it was extremely disrespectful that you did not have her do that simple task. If she is able to send you an email she is able to simply copy her list to an email and send it to us. There was time to play in the pool so I am sure there was time for her to complete a task for school. She is now in middle school and should be responsible for taking care of these matters herself.

Also, please provide me with DD's email address. This is unless you plan on refusing to allow this type of contact between a father and daughter. Your reaction will be very telling."

i have no idea where this is coming from. unless he just wants to pick a fight on my birthday?

so i responded that
1. SM requested the info from me. and the parents are responsible for communication of information.
2. he has received the information in a prompt manner
3. DD has not written me any emails. the email address i used to send her a photo was an address BF set up, so he should have that address.

BF responds:
"When I spoke to DD yesterday I specifically told her to email us the information. Did she not tell you this? If not then you need to punish her for lying to you. If you don't then I will.

I did not make the request to you but to DD. As a middle school student she should be able to handle this responsibility. If she cannot then she cannot be expected to be treated as a middle school student.....and DD told me of the lists that she received at school prompting the request. She seemed a bit too busy trying to get into the pool to take care of it."


my response:
"i don't feel we can decide anything about what happed until we have spoken to DD and have more information.
in reading your email below, i feel that you are saying that it is only your decision whether or not DD is punished. is that what you are saying?"

BF:
"You either ignored the fact that I gave DD specific instructions on how to handle the situation or she lied to you. Which was it? No other facts are pertinent. If she did not do as instructed anything offered is just an excuse, which is unacceptable. She is now in middle school and they are not interested in excuses anymore so please do not encourage this behavior."

me:
"i don't believe it is only a black and white issue. can you tell me exactly how you told her to do this?"

he would not answer this. he just said it was clear.

DD says he only asked the info to be emailed and since i usually do that she didn't think it would be a big deal.

he called to speak with her and she got really upset.

she maintains that she misunderstood. that if he wanted her specifically to email it, she did not realize that. but that she did not lie.

he yelled at me on the phone "shut the h*ll up"  "she is lying"

he wants me to punish her saying that i am taking her word over his ('an adults word')
i explained that i in no way am saying that he is being dishonest. that there is a third option..... being a miscommunication.

in the future if the parents would communicate to each other changes in things like this, the miscommunication could be eliminated.... conflict as well.

i talked with DD this morning. encouraged her to send BF a text to reach out and make up.

[Kitty C.]

Has there been a change in his personal situation recently?  Because if this rudeness and crassness is fairly new for him, something must be going on.  

As for school supplies (and this is JMO), since the parents are the ones who have to buy them and the ones registering the children, why is he demanding that DD be responsible for getting the information to him?  That is NOT her responsibility, it is the parents.

Again, this is really sounding like a control issue with the dad.  I just have this gut feeling that he's really got some beef with you and is taking it out on DD in spades and that he might be trying to set you up as well.  And he's already twisting things around to make you and DD out as bad guys.  Why else would he be blowing such a minor issue completely out of proportion and threating to punish DD for it?  This guy really has some issues going on.  Just the fact that the SM already received the lists, it didn't happen the way HE wanted it done.

Looks like you're going to have to tiptoe around him for quite some time.....there's just no straight-forward solution to this, just like the previous issue.  Because I would venture that any suggestions you might make, no matter how well-meaning, he will reject outright...because it's still a CONTROL issue.  

This just rubs me raw, because the repercussions on the kids could be devastating.  If he's so desperate to have a relationship with them, he's certainly going about it the wrong way!  In fact, it's the surest way to guarantee they won't want anything to do with him.........

[iceclimber]

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[wendl]

Supply list change all the time, geez this one is very trival in my opinion.

My 16yr never tells me everything he needs until the night before.

When responding to him I would keep it short and brief.  Explain, I informed you of what school supplies our daughter needed once I received the completed list.

School has just become and daughter is trying to get back to the swing of school and it just slipped her mind, this shouldn't be such a big deal.

I will continue to update you as information is provided to me.  Please feel free to contact the school if you feel the information I have provided is incorrect.

Thank you.

Something like that, you address the situation and do not continue to go in depth as it sounds like it just become a fight.

He is continues to email, simply state.  As emailed before I have provided you with the informatin requested in a timely matter.

Good luck
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Ref]

You are not going to win. You are going to have years of dealing with this guy. So now you have to think of how to protect your kids from some of this.

I suggest you send him EVERYTHING as he asks. It kills to have to take hostle ex's crap, but remember you are doing it for your kids. I also suggest your communication be limited to emails as much as possible. With the control issue that is going on here, I don't think you should insist on emails, just try to take the lead. Remember though, whatever you write can be used against you, so keep it professional.

There is a book out there called Joint Custody with a Jerk. I actually have a copy that you can have if you want to PM me your address (I will pay for postage). The more you read about hostile co-parenting the better prepared you will be to handle these things for your kids.

All you can do is control what you do. Keep discussions to a minimum and give lots of detail in writing so that he can't say that you didn't provide him all the info he needs. (You can always pull out your file and prove that the info was sent).

The most important thing is to take care of yourself and your home.

Best regards,
Ref

[Kitty C.]

Sounds like you've been there, done that in spades!  OP, listen to Ref and take her offer of the book.........I think it will save you a lot of sanity now and down the road, because you have a LOT of years left to deal with this BS.

[iceclimber]

it is very difficult at times. i am not an angry person.... i tend to cry. this has been much more intense lately.

i am careful to make my emails as diplomatic as possible.

i had to cut off telephone contact years ago. he is very abusive.

during our marriage he wasn't abusive. maybe because i was eager to please. he became a different person when i filed for divorce... following 6 months of waiting for our family to reunite.
my pastor finally told me that he was only using me and that i should file for divorce. then the violence and harassment began.

we cannot make any decision together. he makes the decisions. and tells me if i fight him he 'will take more'.

i feel so weak and pathetic.

i try to deflect as much away from the children as possible, but he is very controlling with them as well. and i see it hurting them.

one day at a time right.  it is just a struggle to keep my sanity.

PMing you now.

[Ref]

It touches me so much that you are internalizing all of this. It sounds like you need some help with your self esteem. Maybe if you seek help from a therapist (get one with a background in hostile parenting situations). You amy have to go through a few before you find one you like, but there are a couple good ones out there.

Another thing you might want to do is to go do something empowering. Maybe go to a place for abused people and talk to someone there.

I have to take some of my advice back. You need to protect your children, but not necessarily by giving in. They will learn by example and you don't want them to feel "weak and pathetic".  Choose when to give in and when to draw a line in the sand. It will be your choice and not his.

I don't think you can do this alone. You need some help. Talk to an attorney. Talk to a therapist. Get your daughter into counseling. Go to meetings for abused women. Document EVERYTHING. If it is legal in your state, record conversations.

You said you had to cut off phone contact. Does that mean everything you have is in writing? If so, you may be able to do something legally to protect your kids.

Best wishes,
Ref