RainGirl . . . Just 1 more post . . .

[hagatha]

RainGirl,

I have read most of the posts in the thread below. In that thread you have repeatidly asked WHY genitic material makes a difference. Since you seem to think that since your baby doesn't have any attachment yet, your moving will not affect her.

I can tell you right now, and while she is young the "male" influence you can provide with other family members may be enough. BUT . . .
someday she will go looking for "the other half of who she is".

DO you have any friends that have been adopted??? Have you ever heard them speak of wanted to find their birth parents??

All children have a need to know where they came from, and who they are. Moving away and terminating any hope of a relationship will only set the stage for your daughter to someday look at you with contempt and ask WHY? Telling her that you thought it was the best decision at the time won't make a difference. Once she's found her Dad and he tells her Mom moved you and made it impossible for me to see you will probably cause a rift that you may never be able to repair

When I got pregnant with my D her father walked, ok actually he ran and did not desire to have any relationship with her. After a few yrs I found an old friend and began a relationship. My DH became Daddy. He loves her as his own. She could not want a better Daddy. But she still needs to know where she came from and often times yearns to understand who she is and why he didn't love her enough to stick around. Unfortunately there is no way for me to contact him. He has moved away and I don't know where he is. She is an adult now and the last contact I had was terminating CS. That day he made it clear his obligation was over. He never had to see me or think of her or I again. Quite frankly, that is His loss. And I hope someday he will regret that decision.

My DH also had a child when we got together. Her mother refused to allow him to continue his relationship with his D. She was very angry with him (DH) for moving on even though she had a new relationship. She replaced him (DH) with her new husband. The new step-father wasn't a bad guy, but he wasn't her real daddy. Mommy dearest told my SD all the time how much her step-dad loved her. Encouraged her to call him daddy. She did everything in her power to keep my DH from a relationship with his D.
In the end mommy lost. SD became an adult and has a wonderful relationship with DH and our family. She still has contact with her step-father, even though he and her mother have divorced  and encourages him to fight mom for his time with her brother. But her relationship with her mother is damaged beyound repair. They barely speak.

You are looking at the short term difficulties. You need to look further down the road. WHat will you do when she begins to wonder What was so wrong with her her father didn't want her. And trust me, she Will start to think that. And she will look at herself as damaged or bad. And she will start to become the damaged kid she believes herself to be.

the Witch
Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[RainGirl]

Thank you for your insight.  I do have many family members who were adopted as well as several friends.  Among them, there are mixed reactions.  A few who want to know, a few who don't, and one who wants to know her medical history (she's a nurse and says it means everything) but has no desire to know the people.  None of them, however seem sufficiently torn over the matter.  They all claim to love their parents and would not want any other and say that it is more a curiousity issue than anything else.  All are well-adjusted adults, well, except for the 2 year old, but I have no doubt he will thrive as well.  Then again, there is a difference between children who were placed for adoption and those who were never allowed to bond despite the wishes of the other party.  I do realize that.

I went back and forth with many of the posters on here trying to find logic in much of this.  I still haven't, and possibly I never will, found that logic, but there were a couple of posts towards the end that helped me to see things from a slightly different angle.  The end result was that I came to realize that I at least need to talk to him and get his side of things.  The last time we spoke, it was brief and heated and we didn't have much opportunity to sit and talk reasonably about what is best for her.  No two situations are exactly the same and therefore there is no one answer that fits all.  In the end, if there is one other person on earth that knows the situation as well as I do, it is him.  Perhaps with him, and not here, is where I will gain the answers and insight that I need.  Communication has broken down between us over the past year and while it is not a full fledged solution, I feel this is the first step towards one.  Once again, thank you for your time, concern, and sharing your story with me.

[MYSONSDAD]

"Children learn what they live"

[darkspectre]

If you spent as much time doing some introspective analysis as you do posting your stupid diatribes about how YOU'RE looking for answers and YOU'RE seeking logic and YOU'RE really not sure about LETTING the Father have a relationship with HIS daughter, you might not be such a selfish, self-centered individual who only cares about what makes YOU happy.

He IS going to get to see his daughter if that's what he wants, and you don't have a damn thing to say about it, so good luck on your futile quest for wisdom.

Personally I think you should alter your search for a good psychiatrist.

[MYSONSDAD]

Must have a very lonesome life...

"Children learn what they live"

[darkspectre]

The only difference between her and the thousands of other women out there who have the same bullsh*t attitude is that she's trying to make herself feel better by pretending to solicit the advice of those of us who've already had to deal with it.

She's going to do what she's going to do because she thinks that having sex, getting knocked up, and going through the birthing process entitles her to make unilateral decisions where her daughter is concerned.

Oh, and it doesn't help that the courts foster this attitude.

[KAT]

Oh PLEASE. Look inside of YOURSELF. It's clear to me that by posting on a mainly *father's rights* board you are once  AGAIN doing something to feed what consumes you. DRAMA!  POOR ME!!! I AM SUCH THE VICTIM HERE!! They are all wrong, horrible men! Boohoo What about the CHOICES YOU made? You need to fix yourself Lady. I recommend reading the book "Addicted to Unhappiness". Tips for overriding the deeply rooted need to cause ourselves unhappiness, which drives us to sabotage our own successes and keeps us from achieving our goals.
If I were your ex's lawyer during the custody battle I would have no problem bringing up the fact that you have already alienated two other children from their father. I would have no problem making you out to be nothing but a greedy uterus opportunist.  Given your past history I would ask the courts to give custody to the more agreeable, financially stable parent.
Bookmark this site. I have a feeling in a couple of years you just might need us.
KAT

[Kitty C.]

What the hell does LOGIC have to do with it????  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!  We're talking about human beings and human emotions and human attachments, which means there IS no logic!

I have a 15 y.o. son who could be a poster boy for what happens when a child doesn't have a father in his life.  His father decided to leave us of his own free will when he was 4.  Because he moved 1800 miles away, and because of limited funds, the ONLY time DS got to see his dad was every summer, all summer long, and EO Christmas.  And two years ago, his father died of cancer while he was there for the summer.  He is now in therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, and I have him on a waiting list for Big Brothers/Big Sisters.  And even having a step-father in his life couldn't undo the damage.  This child is scarred for life.

You may have friends or family who feel one way, but there is NO way you can tell the future to know how your daughter is going to feel about it.  Your decisions now will affect her FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!  Do NOT ever doubt that!  So how big a gamble are you willing to take with your child's life????  How much of a risk are you willing to take to have her totally messed up and despise you for the rest of HER life?  

Remember this:  if you keep her out of her father's life, you most certainly will have her all to yourself for the first 18 years, but HE just might have her for the rest of her life.  The first 18 years go by in the blink of an eye.  The first 18 years are just preparation for the rest of her life.  It IS your RESPONSIBILITY to do everything possible to make sure she has a relationship with her father and vice versa.  You and her father took on that responsibility when you consented to conceive her.  If you didn't want that responsibility, you should have never opened your legs.

Sorry for being so blunt, but it's the TRUTH..............

[Brent]

It's painfully obvious that she doesn't really care. She says she does, but her actions show otherwise. Her continued rationalizations for deliberately depriving this child of her father is sad proof that this is all just a bunch of mental masturbation for her. She has no intention of changing her mind because it would mean coming to terms with the fact that her intial mindset was "wrong". She would rather die than admit she might be in error.

I think you're wasting your time Kitty, but who knows. If you can make her see that what she's doing is not good for her child, I'd be more than a little surprised. She's too heavily vested in being "right" and has completely lost sight of what's important here.

[Brent]

>... but there were a couple of
>posts towards the end that helped me to see things from a
>slightly different angle.  The end result was that I came to
>realize that I at least need to talk to him and get his side
>of things.

Ooooh, cue the "Breakthrough" Music. I'd be more comfortable with this statement if I didn't think it was just another way of saying "I'm in control. Me, me, me.".

But it's a start.

You still can't see that if the roles were reversed you'd be hollering about how unfair it is that the father can't understand the child needs and deserves two parents. But hey, *you've* bonded with the child and that's all that's really important.....

(sigh)