Help !!! 3 year old tantrums !!!

[Chooch]

"HELP !!!! 3 year old tantrums !!"


           Loking for some advice on how to handle my 3 year old daughter's tantrums...
well, blood curdling screams is more like it ..

My ex and I have joint custody, and my visitation schedule is every wednesday and every other weekend ..

before I bought a house and my daughter had her own bedroom, I had a studio apartment, so .. her and I slept in the same room .. her in her crib and me in my bed...

hence the seperation anxiety ...
bedtime lately has been hell ...

crying, screaming as if someone is kiling her .. wanting daddy to lay down and sleep with her.

these tantrums normally occur at bedtime, but have been increasing with her 3 year old defiance ..

Does anyone have any suggestions ??

Thansk in advance.

 

[Kitty C.]

My first question would be how are you dealing with it right now?  Much of it is attention getting, and as soon as they aren't 'awarded', most kids will quit.  Even my son knows now that if I'm ignoring him, it's because I disprove of his behavior.

You are right about the separation anxiety.  DS's father took off with him back to CA when he was just 4 y.o.  It took me 6 weeks, 3 trips to CA, 2 court appearances, and 1 emerg. mediation to get him back.  Once back, it took a few months to get our own place, so we stayed at my mom's.  EVERY morning, when I'd leave for work, he'd stand at the door and SCREAM 'Mommy, don't go, don't go!'  Ripped my heart out and made me want to kill his dad on the spot for allowing this to happen to our son.   At least that part I'm over.  And the screaming lasted about 2 months.

Even when we moved into our own place 9 months later, it still took him another year before he would sleep in his bed ALL night.  But he had some severe trauma to overcome, too.  I just can't see how transitioning to her own bedroom could be that traumatic.  IF you are going to her every time she starts in, then she knows you will come running every time she does that.  So now it's time for 'patience' and 'tolerance'.......and how much you're willing to put up with!

If it is strictly attention-getting, then grit your teeth and let her scream, she'll eventually wear herself out.  I've held screaming babies for up to an hour, only for them to give out and plop their heads on my shoulder, fast asleep from sheer exhastion!  She WILL wear herself out and each night it will get less and less, until you have the night of NO sound, then you'll worry some more, LOL!

[Bolivar OH]

One of many parenting classes/books.  I am currently reading the book and find it very helpful.

Dr. Jayne Major
Breakthrough Parenting Inc.
2118 Wilshire Blvd. #987
Santa Monica, CA 90403
Phone: (310) 207-9977
Links:
http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/
http://www.bpinaction.org

What you are experiencing is very normal.  Every child is different, so I do not think there is a "Caned answer" to your question.  It would probable take volumes to explain your Childs' habits, history, and nuances.

If your get involved in some parenting classes/seminars/books you will have the tools to deal effetely with your daughters current and future emotional needs.  Yea, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

[DecentDad]

Hi Chooch,

Unfortunately, you face a big challenge in trying to get your daughter into a new routine when you have her a minority of the time.

I had the same challenge, but when my daughter was 2.

First, know that bedtime tantrums are pretty common.  We who care about our kids hate to see them that worked up, but know that she's gonna have to get through this if she's going to have a peaceful bedtime anytime soon.

You didn't mention anything about a bedtime routine that you do.

If you can build a 30 minute period of bedtime routine (e.g., bath, then sitting together on her bed to read a book, then saying night-night to her stuffed animals and dolls, then tucking her in, etc) that will serve you well.  It'll take a while for it to become the norm, but if you always follow it, it'll reassure her.

Also, give her a self-reliant action she can take if she wakes up (e.g., a sippy cup on her nightstand).

It's not going to stop the tantrums immediately, but if you don't want to let her "cry it out", you can phase out your presence over the course of a couple months...

Such an approach can go like, "Sweetie, you're a big girl with your own room now.  I know it can be a little hard going to sleep, so here's what we'll do... I can't sleep next to you, but if you put your head on your pillow, I'll lay on your floor for a little while and sing lullabies."

The first couple times, you may want to sing until she falls asleep.  If she cries or sits up, you just enforce that head-on-pillow-and-quiet is necessary for you to keep singing.

Just do it so that both of you can feel like you got a few peaceful bedtimes under your belts!

Then, sing for 10 to 15 minutes, and give her a kiss, and tell her you need to go to the bathroom but you'll come back in a couple minutes and sing some more if she stays quiet with her head on the pillow.  Be loud moving around so she can listen to you walking around (i.e., reassurance that you're close by).  Come back in 30 seconds, before she has a chance to work herself up.  Sing some more.

Eventually phase that out by singing a minute less each time (or so) and "going to the bathroom" for a little while longer each time.

A bedtime routine that my (now 4 year old) daughter loves, just before I kiss her goodnight, is that I get one of her little teapots, and we put "good dreams" in it by saying something good and throwing it into the teapot with our hands.  Often, they're fun things that we did during the day, but Nemo, ice cream, and cotton candy almost always make it in.  Then, when the teapot is almost too heavy to lift, I pull her ear wide open, pour it in (i.e., this is all pretend), and then put a pretend cork in her ear to keep the dreams in her head.  I always tell her to think about all the good dreams as she's falling asleep, then leave her room.

Anyway, focus on "fun" as much as possible at that final point of separation (e.g., a funny way you say goodnight to each other) to preoccupy her with a final positive routine rather than what has traditionally been a point of anxiety.

Within a few months, you should be able to help her with this... as well as yourself.  :)

DD

[DecentDad]

I agree, yes, she's has great insights in her book.

For those in southern CA, her class is excellent as well.  I completed her course (30 hours of classes with a 80 page workbook that has to be completed) and got a certificate that I completed it... great way to eliminate any accusations of poor parenting knowledge.

DD

[joni]

routine...routine....routine.....do not deviate from the new routine.  it will take time to establish the new routine.  as much as it tears you up, they will come out of it.  

my son just turned 3.  I thought I dodged a bullet and missed the terrible twos.  the day before his 3rd birthday, he got them.  the last 3 weeks have been torture, but he seems to be settling down.  but I never deviate from the normal routine and the consistency.

experts say it takes 30 days to establish a new habit.  and this is going to try the hell out of you, especially since she's been spoiled and you don't have her every day in order to do the same thing every day with her at bedtime.

what does mom do with her?  what's mom's bedtime routine?  would it be possible to copy it as close as possible?  that consistency would help.  but if mom lets her sleep in mom's bed and you don't, you'll be going backwards.

and take lots of deep breaths.  it's amazing how crazy they can drive you and defiant....dear lord....I can't believe it sometimes, it'll just break you.  just keep putting her down and reassuring her that you're not leaving her and she's got to sleep in her big girl bed.  sit outside her door, if she gets up, put her right back to sleep.  they say it's OK that they cry upwards of 20 minutes.  just keep reassuring her that you're not leaving her and she has to stay in her bed.

[nosonew]

A friend just went through this... she took her little girl to the store and let her pick out her bedding, that way she had some "control" over her room.  Once the new bedding was washed and one the bed...no more tantrums.  Can't guarantee this will work for you... just a thought!