PD, I've got a question...........

[Kitty C.]

You've talked enough about your ex to make it obvious (even if she weren't professionally diagnosed) that she's mentally......off balance, and that's putting it mildly.  That being said, how can these mentally ill people keep it together long enough to get their claws into someone, before going berserk?  Or are the signs so subtle that it would take a professional to even see it?

I know you're in healthcare, tho not mental health.  But do you think, in hindsight, there were any signs (before things got serious, or at least to the point of....copulation) that you realize now you probably should have heeded?

Here's my train of thought:  I may be all washed up, but from all these years of going thru and reading stuff like this, I've come to the conclusion that either we're talking about exes who were/are mentally ill (officially diagnosed) or at least show the signs.  And if that's the case, what signs could a person watch out for to steer clear of these people, so as not be caught up in their webs of deception?  I'm not saying that these people should be ignored or not helped, because they should be.  I'm just trying to think of what to tell my son to look for and avoid so he doesn't get weaseled into some relationship with someone who have no business being in an intimate relationship in the first place.

Or do hormones override the majority of it????

[harlequin]

I'm a former psychiatric nurse and a mentally and emotionally abused husband.  I suggest you Google up Personality Disorders, particularly Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

These particular people often don't get diagnosed, especially Narcissistic Personality Disorder, because they don't think they need help.  There are lots of these people crawling around that never make it to formal diagnosis.  Like my ex- and her husband, who is a psychiatrist.

That should get you started.  I'll bet you at least 50/50 you'll find somebody you know in there.

[Peanutsdad]

With my own ex, she can keep up the facade of normalcy for about a month, sometimes two.


Then all hell breaks loose.


What I've seen in my professional life,, is these people during a snap,, I dont get to see them when they are going about their daily lives.

Almost to a person, the SO's of the bpd patients frequently didnt clue in there was a problem until of course, they snap.


I've noticed many bpd patients can be very charming, until they lose it.


Im sorry, but your son may not know that a potential partner has a problem until that partner simply cannot compensate any longer.


Someone like my ex can keep up the charade so long as she doesnt have to live with you. You could know her a long time and not know she has problems, until you have to live with her.

[Kitty C.]

....and yours too, harlequin.  I know how insidious it is.  My own sister has MH problems, and obviously has had them for a LONG time, but was just diagnosed a few years ago.  It's hard to pin down sometimes.  But the live-in thing is a good clue!

[hisliltulip]

Hey Kitty,
I'm going to jump in here too as my ex has bpd also.

Individuals with bi-polar can be extremely charming to begin with.  My ex was.  I did not realize there was a problem until further into the relationship, and even then, it took a few years for me to REALLY see.

People with bi-polar cycle.  When I met him, he was actually in a somewhat manic state, but I just figured he was outgoing.  Then he came down some, I figured he was getting used to the relationship...

Then he started getting progressively worse, but I was pregnant, I figured he was "tense" about the impending birth...  Then he got REALLY weird after DS was born, so I figured he was just immature and not handling having a child well...

There was always a reason for him to be "wound", I had NO CLUE, until his family FINALLY tipped me off when they started worrying about DS's safety...

Looking back, sure, I see signs...  But many of the "subtle" signs I would still probably blow off, because "normal" people act like this from time to time also.

That and there is so many variences in BPD.  Some go on excessive spending sprees, some become violent, some delve into religion to the extreme and misconstrue every sentence...  Some have BPD AND another illness (like my ex), some have it worse than others, there isn't really any known "Trick" to see it that I can see.

Plus some people are just jerks/bi*ches too...

Tell him to be careful, and not to rush a relationship.  THAT is the biggest mistake I made with ex, and I do think that he rushed the relationship because he was afraid of me "seeing" the real him.


Oh, and let DS know that the pill don't always work!;-)

If he wants proof, I can send him a picture of DS!

[Kitty C.]

Actually, what I've told him is to NEVER believe a woman even if she tells you she's on the pill.  It's not that the majority of women are dishonest about it, but it covers all the bases, including if the pill doesn't work.

I've even mentioned 'double gloving' (them things ain't fool-proof either), but he's not too receptive to that!    ;-)