Is there anywhere to go from here?

[dipper]

Soc,

We are scheduled for court Tuesday.  Lawyer wanted to request continuance but we are against it.  No, she is not prepared.  But, we are hopeless now.

I had feared that all of bm's undercutting dh in ss's life, and making negative remarks, the gifts her buddies are giving ss, and the fact that she allows ss to do exactly as he wishes - no homework, on the go all evening, etc....would wind up pulling him away from dh.  It has done just that.  

He called after he should have already been here this evening - saying he was not coming.  He made different excuses, which dh shot down - and finally said he just didnt want to come.  And as for next weekend, they have plans.  Now, court order gives dh three weekends out of each month...I had told dh to file contempt of order before the hearing Tuesday, but since there arent specific dates listed, I guess he has to wait until after the month has ended.  Parental Alienation syndrome is definitely at play here.  BM does not take any part into counseling - which ss doesnt want......dh fusses at him for acting up - her friends give him gifts for being so good......

I guess I really dont have a question, more or less just feeling let down after months of trying to do everything right legally just to be shot down mere days before court.......I dont even know if we will go to court....

[socrateaser]

How old is this boy?

[dipper]

He is 13.  He did call today and his mom wasnt nearby listening as she has been doing the past month.  He told dh that she had already told him earlier this week that he was not coming because they were calling for bad weather.  In fact, she did schedule herself to work last night - so she would not have brought him anyway.  DH was willing to pick him up even though it wasnt his weekend - which is why they did not call until late.  SS told dh that his mother is working at a restaurant Sat and Sun and that he will be staying at the store she manages with a worker - who promised him a CD each night if he helps out......This makes atleast three times her workers are getting paid by the company while taking care of her son.   SS chose to stay there this weekend because he is getting gifts if he does.......or atleast that is how it appears now..

[socrateaser]

OK, this is real touchy, but it deserves some coverage. Overwhelmingly, boys who are becoming men will want to be with their Dad, and there's very little that a mother can do to stop this transformation.

So, if the boy doesn't want to live, or spend substantial time, with Dad, then:

1. Dad is doing something to alienate the child, which may include unreasonable hostility towards Mom, or;
2. The boy is having homosexual feelings.

I have no problem with being gay -- my position is that it is a genetic predispostion. But, you should consider the possibility. As for hostility towards the Mom, what I'm getting at could be the direct result of the boy's wanting to protect his Mom, or it could be guilt Mom uses to control the child. But, it doesn't really matter, because you are in charge of removing this barrier.

I would strongly emphasize interest in the child without ever referring to Mom. You want to offer male bonding type opportunities, even if they seem dumb. Maybe the kid's in to comic books -- if so, go to a sci-fi convention or even just a comic book store. You have to demonstrate that you are "cool," and that hanging out with Dad kicks butt.

Obviously, if the kid is wondering if he's gay, that blows the above right off the table. But, it's usually pretty obvious if it's happening, because he will simply reject all male bonding type activities as being a dud. And if that's what's happening, then you can only love your kid and watch and wait, because if you're too manly, the child will fear rejection for not being similarly manly.

Just some extra food for thought.