What is the lesser of two evils here?

[crazymaking]

Hi Soc,

We are in Ca.  Due to moms drinking,history of violent men,kids sinking grades and poor school attendence while in her care, dad received temp custody giving him physical custody of kids for 4 months to "try out" new plan.  Hearing was set to return and assess improvements in kids.   Kids had improved.  Looked like a slam dunk for dad to have plan made permanent.

The day before set hearing, SS (13) "acted up" at school and got suspeneded. The same afternoon, SS logged into dads computer and found some legal files.  He states that mom asked him to "delete anything that looked incriminating on her".  He did not, but he did print some things off to take to her.

The hearing was postponed, and in the following two weeks SS got "in trouble" 3 more times at school.  Thereby giving credence to moms case that kids had not improved, and the plan should not be made permanent, and they should go back to her.

We felt that due to the timing and sudden onset of SS's "acting up" (in a kid that had been really doing so well for 4 months) that mom might be asking him to deliberatly "be bad" so she could win her case.  To add credence to our suspicions, as seamly as it sounds, SS has received many new big ticket items from mom and new privledges at moms house AFTER his behavior hit the skids, as opposed to dads, where he has had consequences for his actions.

Due to our suspicions (paranoia perhaps, as she has used the kids to gain access to our home previously) we began to tape record phone calls when SS was home alone.  Unfortunately our suspicions were confirmed and mom had indeed been calling SS and asked him to delete items; told him that dad lied in court "to hurt her"; that dad wants to send SS away to a military school because he's bad and that if dad wins in court then he will; told him of all the court details and that if dad wins "SS will be stuck at dads who will keep you "in prison", but if mom wins she will "let him do what he wants because she wants him to be happy".  Very sad.

So, now we have her in her own voice directly asking SS to do her bidding and making every attempt to alienate SS from dad.  But it seems that if we brought this to anyones attention we would be putting our own case in jeopardy for making the recordings in the first place?

What, if anything, can we do here?

We have one final hearing date upcoming to decide if the plan stays or goes.  

Is there anything we can do with this info that would help or are we just stuck?

Thank you for any thoughts.  This has just been aweful.

[socrateaser]

>What, if anything, can we do here?

There's case law that supports the custodial parent's right to record a child's conversations with a noncustodial parent, but your court orders must not provide for privacy in parent-child communications. If the orders do so, then the orders control, over the caselaw.

Beyond then, I can only recommend loosening the reins a little, because the child's gonna rebel against your authority and use the custody battle to manipulate both parents. After the custody battle is won, then whether you tighten the reins again or not is up to you.

From your post, it seems that this boy is getting negative reinforcement from both parents, not just the mom. I doubt that this is all just a one-sided problem.

[crazymaking]

Soc,

What I believe you are hearing is my utter frustration.  We are very aware how damaging this can be for the kids. We try VERY hard to keep the kids out of all this.  We do not discuss adult issues with them.  We do not "grill" them for info following time with their mom. We do not speak negatively of their mom, etc.  

However, it is very difficult dealing with a person who feels entitled to do all these things and more.  While I try not to, I am human and I do confess to thinking negatively about her and her actions.  In a "safe zone" (such as your site) I felt I could vent a bit.  But, I guess you are correct.  If I am thinking it, SS is feeling it.

Thanks for bringing it to my attention.