Ongoing PAS - even after change of custody

[shelly]

Venue is Fla.  SD is 12.  I am custodial stepmother.  DH has had custody for 9 years.  

Grounds (per Order Granting Motion to Modify):
"The persistent interference with visitation discussed above, combined with the making of false allegations of sexual abuse in an effort to terminate visitation, and the implanting of false memories in the child, together with an ongoing environment of hostitilty toward the father, constitute a substantial change of circumstances so detrimental to the parent-child relationship between (DH) and (SD) that continued residence of the child with her mother would be detrimental and not in the child's best interest."

In the Findings of Fact and Conclusions of Law with Regard to Petition for Modification, the judge wrote, "The court is not required to wait for the establishment of a syndrome showing that a child is permanently alienated from her father before taking action to prevent such damaging behavior."

Following a brief period (several weeks) of counselling, BM was granted liberal visitaion.  We have been back to court numerous times over the years for motions filed by both parties.  For 2 yrs, DH has been pro se, with me doing all legal research & writing of letters, motions, responses, etc.  BM has pretty good attorney.

DH has never paid cs as ordered, with most all payments coinciding with her marriages - husbands paid, not her.  (She has divorced twice since DH & is engaged to #4.)  Enforcement through DOR has been painfully slow, as she is perpetually "disabled" due to some accident or another.
Currently owes over 23K in arrears.

During custody battle & in aiding vis decisions, the court ordered BM to undergo psych eval.  Excerpt regarding MMPI, "An index of accuracy based on a comparison of subtle and obvious scales indicated that she was underreporting psychopathology to an extreme degree.  A validity scale that measures defensiveness was elevated into the clinical range.  The computer generated interpretation of this scale was as follows:
    'Scores in this range are usually obtained by individuals who exhibit extreme defensiveness, try to maintain a facade of adequecy and control, and admit to no problems or weaknesses.  These individuals exhibit a serious lack or personal insight and understanding of their own behavior.  They may be seriously disturbed psychologically but are reluctant to look at the sources of their problems and difficulties.  The prognosis for psychological intervention is usually very poor.'"  

The above paragraph is almost a textbook description of the typical alienator.

BM has also recently attempted to terminate ex #3's visitation with their son - 1/2 bro to SD - with more false allegations of abuse, but so far has stopped short of alleging sex abuse.  

Alienation of SD has been ongoing since change of custody.  The target has been me as much as DH, if not more so.  While SD still displays affection for DH, there has been an undeniable change in her feelings for him, and she admits to much anger & resentment towards me.  She now openly expresses her desire to live with BM.  BM has been very successful in molding SD into a replica/extension of herself.  

Questions:

1.  Even though SD still says she loves DH, thereby a difficulty in establishing presence of actual syndrome, are BM's peristent & ongoing actions enough to prove that she is engaging in alienation and result in terminating or drastically restricting visitation?  

2.  Can BM's psych eval from 1998 be entered as evidence in reference to current issues?

3.  Does DH have the right to request and obtain all original tests, notes, files, etc. relating to the court-ordered psych eval to be re-visited and interpreted by a professional of his choice?

4.  Can the recent case involving her attempts to terminate 3rd ex's vis be admitted as evidence of a pattern of behavior?

5.  Can her refusal to pay cs be admitted to demonstrate her complete lack of respect for the court orders and failure to act in the child's best interest?

Thanks so much
   

[socrateaser]

>Questions:
>
>1.  Even though SD still says she loves DH, thereby a
>difficulty in establishing presence of actual syndrome, are
>BM's peristent & ongoing actions enough to prove that she is
>engaging in alienation and result in terminating or
>drastically restricting visitation?  

I think you're approaching this wrong. You should be concentrating on figuring out why the SD dislikes both you and the father sufficient to wish to move in with BM, and not how BM has brainwashed SD. If SD were happy with her present relationship (assuming that there isn't some underlying mental illness creating the real problems), then it wouldn't matter what BM does, because SD wouldn't want to move.

By concentrating on how the BM is sabotaging your relationship, you are blinding yourself to your own contributions to the problem. Fix your own problems first, and then look to fix third party influences.

>
>2.  Can BM's psych eval from 1998 be entered as evidence in
>reference to current issues?

Yes, but it won't carry much weight, except as a baseline. You need a new eval, if you intend to bring her mental state into controversy.

>
>3.  Does DH have the right to request and obtain all original
>tests, notes, files, etc. relating to the court-ordered psych
>eval to be re-visited and interpreted by a professional of his
>choice?

As a baseline, I'd say yes, but not for the purpose of proving mental illness in the absense of a new diagonstic.
>
>4.  Can the recent case involving her attempts to terminate
>3rd ex's vis be admitted as evidence of a pattern of
>behavior?

Evidence of habit is admissible to show present conformity with past behavior, but usually, several (at least three) prior incidents will be required. One past incident does not a habit make.

>5.  Can her refusal to pay cs be admitted to demonstrate her
>complete lack of respect for the court orders and failure to
>act in the child's best interest?

Courts are "generally" not permitted to consider a parent's likelihood of being a good caretaker, based on their failure to pay past support. However, as a practical matter, the judge will recognize this factor, without being told, and it will definitely weigh in your favor.  

[shelly]

First of all, thank you for taking the time to respond to my questions.

Second, I must admit that when I first read your response I was more than a little offended.  But then I reminded myself that it is unrealistic to expect someone to fully understand a very complex and protracted case history based on only a few paragraphs.

Furthermore, I cannot honestly say that I have in no way contributed to any existing problems.  I have been married to DH for 10 yrs, and the problems that existed during their marriage continued and intensified after the birth of SD and then their divorce.  It has been a long and difficult journey, and of course I've stumbled along the way.

Over the past 10 yrs, DH & I have faced the following (just to name a few):  
    3 investigations by DCF (each found allegations to be unfounded);
    DH falsely accused of doing the worst things immaginable to his daughter;
    after custody was changed, flyers were distributed through town naming DH & SD, spreading the disgusting lies further - damaging to both DH & SD;
    BM subjected SD to numerous gynecological exams before the age of 4 (all a failed effort to find someone to confirm abuse);
    both of my young sons accused of abusing SD (found to be fabricated);
    myself accused of trying to run over BM;  
    having SD ask me not to attend various activities because it hurts BM's feelings when I'm there & "I'm all Mommy's got" (SD's words);  
    and most recently, hearing SD tell DH and me that she wants to live with BM because we "stole her" from BM during visitation, and BM cries constantly when they're apart.  "Mommy needs me."

Sometimes I'm amazed that our marriage has survived.  And believe me, I've made plenty of mistakes along the way.  The stress is sometimes overwhelming, and the instinct to defend my husband and children has sometimes caused me to say something to BM that I later regretted.  

And as a mother/stepmother, looking back, there are certainly things I would do differently if I could go back.  But I was unprepared for what I faced, and just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did.  I read what I could find, relied on friends & family, listened to respected counsel, prayed alot & did the best I could.

What I didn't do was EVER allow or contribute to a disagreement with BM in SD's presence.  We never, ever have spoken negatively about BM to or in front of any of the children.  We have fought to protect SD from having to deal with adult issues.  I have tried as best I could to show SD that I love her unconditionally, and that I wanted very much for her to have a close, healthy, special relationship with her mother.

I realized early on that unless I was willing to look honestly at my own attitudes, actions & mistakes, I would never be the wife or mother/stepmother I wanted to be.  I love DH and SD more than I can say, and believe that we were brought together for a reason.  So I have tried very hard to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.

DH and I made a commitment to each other at the start of this ordeal to always put the children's best interest ahead of all else.  And I must say that I am very proud of the job we've done.  We make a good team, and are faithful in keeping each other's emotions in check when one of us feels overcome with anger, frustration, or heartbreak that threatens to influence our actions.  

Having said all that, I guess what I needed to express is that, sometimes one parent can so strongly manipulate a childs loyalties & emotions that the child's sense of obligation to protect and care for that parent eventually outweighs any possibility of the child feeling free to express love & loyalty to both parents.  And when that parent spends years ensuring the child's protection & loyalty - asking that loyalty to be demonstrated by preferring her to the father, the child's attitudes can turn into an extension of the manipulating parent's.  

This can all take place while the child is in the loving care of a father & stepmother who did alot more right than they did wrong, and don't deserve what is happening.  

But most important, the child is victimized because, in addition to dealing with divorce, blended family & change of residence, the child is robbed of her right to feel happy & stable in both homes.  She was never given the chance to learn to express her own feelings for the people close to her in her own way.  

So I know that it does, in fact, matter what BM does and says.  A parent willing to sacrifice their child's physical, psychological & emotional well-being in order to satisfy their own needs can have a profound influence on that child's actions & attitudes.  

I know this response is long, but I just felt I had to respond to your comments.  I have been impressed with the advice you've given to other people, and wanted to provide a little more info on our situation.  This may or may not influence your opinion, but I feel better having written.

Thanks again.  

[hagatha]

Soc,

Wouldn't you agree that therapy for this child ( and family) is necessary to have this child understand her position in the parent - child relationship with both parents.

I would think if the child came to the undersatnding she isn't resopnsible for her mothers happiness and were given the tools to understand her mother as a person her view of the reality of her life would change. She could in time, distance herself from the mothers dependancy and have a better life.

The Witch
Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[socrateaser]

>Soc,
>
>Wouldn't you agree that therapy for this child ( and family)
>is necessary to have this child understand her position in the
>parent - child relationship with both parents.

I just reread the original post. I now realize that this is a child who is already in the custody of the complaining parent, and now that child wishes to live with the NCP.

It is unusual for a child to want to switch on her own, and it is even more unusual for an NCP to be capable of causing alienation. In fact, I've never heard of such a thing. Alienation requires time and isolation, neither of which appear in this poster's scenario.

I think that we, as readers, are not in possession of "the rest of the story" on this poster's case, and I refuse to speculate. So, I will reserve any judgment or advice, either way.