More Questions

[crayiii]

Hey Soc,

I need some more guidance/advice here...

I just finished with a little over a week of residential time with my son and had a great time!  Unfortunately, there were a few things that concerned me and those around me.  I tried to talk to my wife about them but she told me in an email that she found these things funny and that she wasn't going to talk to me about any of them.

1.  Our son (6) continues to tell me that he has secrets that the boyfriend told him he would get into lots of trouble if he told anyone.

2.  When we picked him up at the airport, he was dirty, fingernails (and toenails) were grown out way beyond his fingers/toes.

3.  None of his clothes fit and his underwear was so tight they were cutting into him.

4.  He told us that the boyfriend smokes around him (he said it hurts his eyes)

5.  He told us that mom works all the time and he has to stay home with the boyfriend.  He said the boyfriend makes him sit and watch TV the whole time.

6.  He told us that they don't have much food.

7.  He told us that mom and boyfriend say bad things about me and make him do the same and it hurts his feelings.

The most concerning thing is he called me into the bathroom after going #2 and said that I needed to clean him (he's been doing this on his own for 2 years), I told him that he could do it himself and he then said "this is how [boyfriend's name] tells me we have to do it" and he showed me.  It was a bit disturbing and not at all how an adult would ordinarily clean a child.

I didn't make a big deal about it with him because although it bothers me, I don't know if it's anything.  After a day of thinking about all of the above and our son's behavior, he kept mooning us saying that the boyfriend taught him how to do it, I decided to try to talk to his mother about it.  I asked her if she would bring our son in to talk to a counselor if I paid for it.  She basically told me to buzz off that it wasn't my business.

From what I understand, mom is now working 2 jobs.  She has called at 7 am and told me she was on her way to work then called at 10 pm saying she just got off work.  Our son spends that time with the boyfriend.

She told me that she had to go to some kind of government sponsored place to get bread and cheese and other things.  I gave them money for food and bought our son about $400 worth of clothing last week.

Our son has been very vocal about not wanting to go back and wanting to stay with me but for all I know, he's saying the same thing to his mother.

I feel and truly believe that I can provide the better home for our son.  Financially and emotionally.  I have very actively kept his mom in his life when he is with me.  I have provided guidance on what is going on by purchasing and reading to him divorce books for kids.  I have a good, stable, happy home.

Is there anything I can do (or should do) to #1; make sure he is safe, #2; allow him to live with me?

[socrateaser]

I will take each thing in turn below:
>
>1.  Our son (6) continues to tell me that he has secrets that
>the boyfriend told him he would get into lots of trouble if he
>told anyone.

Is this affecting the child negatively -- or is it only affecting you? If the child, then I suggest that you arrange for him to meet with a psychologist so as to identify the scope and source of the harm. Otherwise, I'd just forget it, because a six year old will say all sorts of stuff, and half of it can be completely imaginary.

>2.  When we picked him up at the airport, he was dirty,
>fingernails (and toenails) were grown out way beyond his
>fingers/toes.

Six year olds do not trim their nails -- they dig with them in the dirt. This just doesn't rise to a serious harm to the child. If the child has a nail infection, and it's not being treated, then you have a case. Otherwise, forget about it.
>
>3.  None of his clothes fit and his underwear was so tight
>they were cutting into him.

This may be a demonstration that the other parent is acting against the child's interests (could also be proof that she's not receiving enough support money, so be careful). There is a proof of fact problem, however, unless you kept the clothes and you can prove that the child was in distress at the time you discovered the problem. Clothes shrink over time, and children grow, so proving what you're claiming here won't be easy, unless you took photos and/or had child protective services check out the child while he was in your care.

>4.  He told us that the boyfriend smokes around him (he said
>it hurts his eyes)

Now, this could make a case. If neither you nor your wife smoked during the marriage, and now she is permiting the child to spend extended periods of time in the care of a heavy smoker, then you can argue that the mother is affirmatively placing the child's health at risk, and that the court should order her to either restrain her from having the child around the boyfriend, or turn primary custody of the child over to you.

Once again, however, you have a proof of facts problem. You need either an admission by your wife that she is routinely exposing the child to cigarette smoke, or testimony of the boyfriend admitting it, or some disinterested third party who will testify to routinely seeing the boyfriend and child in a smoke filled environment.

Or, you could get a psychologist to talk to the child and try to ascertain the believability of the statements re cigarettes, and then try to use that expert testimony to get the court's attention.

I would write (or record, with her knowledge) your wife and ask her to not permit the boyfriend to smoke in the home or car when your son is present, and perhaps she will make the mistake of admitting that it occurs while telling you to mind your own business. If she does, then I think you have a case for a new temporary custoy order based on changed circumstances affecting the child's best interests.

You could also hire a private investigator to monitor the situation, but that will be very expensive.

>5.  He told us that mom works all the time and he has to stay
>home with the boyfriend.  He said the boyfriend makes him sit
>and watch TV the whole time.

Hard to prove, either the fact that it occurs, or the harm to the child.

>6.  He told us that they don't have much food.

Vague, confusing, speculative and probably irrelevant. How much is "not much," and is it "not much candy," or "not much spinach?"

Also, could be great argument for increasing child support payments.

>7.  He told us that mom and boyfriend say bad things about me
>and make him do the same and it hurts his feelings.

Psychologist needs to evaluate this.


>Is there anything I can do (or should do) to #1; make sure he
>is safe, #2; allow him to live with me?

The cigs are the hot button. Write down the proof that you have, and then ask yourself if the court would be likely to believe this proof if you offerred it. If yes, then tell me what the proof is, and I'll try to discredit it further. If there's still a case after that, then I'd file a motion for a change in custody.

[crayiii]

So how do I go about asking that he be taken to counseling to make sure he is okay?

[socrateaser]

>So how do I go about asking that he be taken to counseling to
>make sure he is okay?

Why are you asking? Do you have joint legal custody? If so, you have the legal right to determine and advance your child's interests. The court orders merely restrict you and your wife's parenting time -- nothing else.