Advi ce for someone who sees it coming?

[highlonesome]

I'm still married now, but divorce seems imminent and in a way maybe the best for everyone.  We have a 4yo daughter together and it's beginning to seem like her mother's constant anger at me is beginning to erode our father/daughter relationship.  I'm a very committed parent and there's not one aspect of her daily love and care that I don't participate in at least as an equal with her mom.

There's been some domestic abuse -- on her part, not mine.  She's broken furniture, struck me, lots of emotional abuse as well.  One instance two years ago I tried to leave during an out of control argument, just to defuse it and she placed our daughter in the driveway behind my car (which was running) to keep me from going.  

I've done my best to stick with it through four family therapists and two anger management course she took which have seemed to do only a minimal amount of good.

Given all this, I'm afraid of what could happen to me in the end.  I'm afraid of no longer being a meaningful father in my daughter's life.I'm afraid of paying a huge amount of CS that will leave me poor even though I make good money.  

But still, even after all of this, I know my daughter has a right to both of us.  Regardless of what's gone on, I don't want to wrest custody completely from her mom, but I'm afraid that's what I'll have to do.

In my ideal world, we'd settle it ourselves, 50/50 physical custody with no primary determined by the court.  And we'd settle CS so incomes would be relatively the same in both homes.  I make about twice as much as her and our total gross together is around $100,000/year so there's plenty of money to take care of her right.  I just don't want our lives regulated by the government.

Can we do this?  I mean, set CS below guideline without CSE involvement?  Can we not alter custody from what it is now?  Or is this all just a pipe dream and I should just bend over now and get ready?

We live in NY state if that makes any difference....

[TGB]

See "Tips for Getting Started" at http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm and the "Parenting Plan Articles" section of the Articles page, http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.htm

The following is an article I wrote a while back, but I don't think it has made it into the archives, yet.

If you are still in the same house - essential preparations

The following is best done without letting your wife know that you are doing it. It is not unethical or wrong to do any of it, but if she sees you preparing like this she may do something drastic to keep you from gaining a level playing field.

When your wife isn't home, go through all of the files. Take out tax returns, pay stubs, mortgage paperwork, car titles, insurance papers, birth certificates, medical bills, everything that you could possibly need and make copies. Place a copy of these documents in a safe place away from the home. Add in a business suit and enough cash to live on for a while. Don't forget any prescription medications you need. Also include anything you really want to keep in/after the divorce. You are more than likely going to be removed from the house forcibly with only a few minutes to pack, if that. If you use personal tools at work, make sure you keep them there, not at home.

Get a PO box and start switching your mail over to the PO Box. Open your own separate checking account at a different bank than you have now. Switch your direct deposit to the new account. I would say to transfer any investment accounts, retirement accounts, or other accounts that are yours alone to a different bank, but that makes it look to a judge like you are trying to hide assets. Instead, just contact the bank and see if they can lock the accounts so that you need a special PIN or ID to make withdrawals. Apply for all the credit lines you can get. You will need them for legal expenses and your credit report is about to go rapidly downhill. You get much better interest rates now than you will later.

Get a video camera and walk through every room of the house, plus the garage and any storage you have. Open cabinets and drawers and get pictures of their contents. Make sure you get everything so you can construct an inventory of everything the two of you own. Quicken has a home inventory program that will help you to list everything and place a value on it. This helps with negotiations during the divorce. Don't expect a 50/50 split. Whoever gets the kids usually gets just about everything else, too.

Talk to an attorney now! Take your time and select a good one (see Tips for Getting Started for articles on finding, selecting, and working with an attorney). There is no substitute for a good attorney in court, but you are better off representing yourself than going with a poor or disinterested attorney.

Document! Document! Document!!! See "Tips on Keeping Documentation" at http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips1.htm . Keep track of everything you do, everywhere you go, and who you have contact with. Mark down every time you do the dishes, do laundry, buy groceries, help the children with homework, or do other things for or with the children. You will need to be able to show that you are an involved father and accurately accounting for your time may help you to fight false allegations of abuse.