phased parenting plan long distance?

[starluvr496]

I live in Illinois with my 4 year old daughter. We live 4 hours from her father, who also lives in Illinois. We were never married and don't have a court order for parenting time. He has seen her once since Aug 2004 (Oct 2005) and before that only ever saw her only sporadically (sometimes 6 months would go by.)

I am trying to come up with a phased parenting plan for him, because he says he plans on seeing her more frequently. In the past when he was around, he has never been alone with her for more than 2 hours (by his request), and it would not be a case where they would be re-bonding as they haven't really ever done that. However, most of what I can find online applies to younger children and would involve more frequent contact. He has said that he doesn't have time to see her more than once a month.

I think it was fair what we did in Oct. He came down Sat and saw her for 6 hours (2 without me) and then again Sunday for 4 hours at our house.  
This what he asked for and I thought it seemed fair.

I was thinking of keeping it as is for about 4 months (he would have only seen her 4 times) and then if he shows consistency (and ASKS for more alone time) move it to more alone time for them, and keep doing that every 4 months or so until we progress into overnights.

Also his girlfriend and her sister came with him to see her which gave the impression that he just wanted to show her off.

Questions

1. Do you think what I'm willing to offer is fair?

2. What kind of parenting plan would likely be awarded if we can't agree and this goes to court? (Such as amount of time in each phase and length of phases, and whether it would begin partially supervised?)

3. Do you think it's reasonable to ask that he call her every other week, esp if he won't be able to see her the following month, and to ask him to not tell her that he's coming until he's SURE that he is?

4. Do you think it's reasonable to ask that he come without his girlfriend for at least a few times?

[socrateaser]

>Questions
>
>1. Do you think what I'm willing to offer is fair?

"Fairness" is a subjective value judgment, and so I have no opinion. What you are asking for is certainly "reasonable," and that's all it needs to be.

>
>2. What kind of parenting plan would likely be awarded if we
>can't agree and this goes to court? (Such as amount of time in
>each phase and length of phases, and whether it would begin
>partially supervised?)

Probably a standard plan used by your local court or a plan created by an evaluator, but likely starting about where you're at now and working towards overnight visitation.

>
>3. Do you think it's reasonable to ask that he call her every
>other week, esp if he won't be able to see her the following
>month, and to ask him to not tell her that he's coming until
>he's SURE that he is?

I think it's very reasonable. I think he should talk to her every other day, or even every day. It's his daughter right? Not a barbie doll that you put away when you're done with it for the week.

>
>4. Do you think it's reasonable to ask that he come without
>his girlfriend for at least a few times?

I think that you shouldn't make that sort of requirement, because it's tends towards overt control, and he will rebel, just like you would if the situation were reversed. The question is whether or not the girlfriend is a danger to the child or not. If not, then why do you care? The objective is for the child to feel comfortable in the presence of the other parent and whomever that parent associates with. Obviously if the parent associates with criminals, then you need to prevent it. But, if the other parent's friends, be they intimate or just ordinary, are likely to be around, then there's no reason not to expose the child to those friends, and find out if there will be a problem. Otherwise, you may discover a problem after you grant overnight visitation, and by then it will be too late and more difficult to do anything about it.