HELP! SS is failing school

[kaylene99]

Hi Soc,
I posted about this in detail on the Second Families board.  I'll give you the short version for your opinion/advise from a legal standpoint.

My stepson is failing 7th grade.  On top of that, he is exhibiting such defiant and disrespectful behavior towards his parents/stepparents and I'm assuming other adults as well.  Ex wife is at her wits' end and would like for stepson to live with his father TEMPORARILY -- until this school year is over.  My husband is on active duty military and will go back to sea deployment early next year.  

Questions are:

1. What is your professional and personal take on temporary arrangements like this?  How beneficial or detrimental is this for my stepson?


2. If husband goes for this temporary arrangement, what is your best advice for him legally on how to handle child support and visitation (with none or very minimum court costs involved)?  Per divorce order, he is to do 100% of travel.  Stepkids currently live 6 hours away.

3. Without hiring lawyers and going to court, can husband and ex wife draw up an agreement over details of this TEMPORARY arrangement, have it notarized and honored by the courts?  Would you recommend this path?

4. Boarding/specialty/military school was brought up in a past conversation between husband and ex wife.  We know that costs lots of $$$ which we probably don't have.  But, if this is what would work for stepson, how would you advise us to handle this so costs is equally divided between the two households?

5. If #4 happens, won't there be a change in child support?  What is the best way to handle that?

6. Stepson is currently seeing a psychotherapist according to his mother.  How much does the court value a psychotherapist's findings or recommendation when it comes to custody changes?  Is a custody change possible given that father is on military active duty?

[socrateaser]

>Questions are:
>
>1. What is your professional and personal take on temporary
>arrangements like this?  How beneficial or detrimental is this
>for my stepson?

Puberty/Testosterone. He needs something to devote his mind to, other than girls in short skirts. I don't know what he might be interested in. Music, sports, a job, or a girlfriend, but you're probably gonna end up with a grandchild if you choose that route.

>2. If husband goes for this temporary arrangement, what is
>your best advice for him legally on how to handle child
>support and visitation (with none or very minimum court costs
>involved)?  Per divorce order, he is to do 100% of travel.
>Stepkids currently live 6 hours away.

I advise that you take the kid and ask that the other parent sign and have notarized, a letter stating that she is delegating to you all of her rights to exercise custody, because she is currently unable to deal with the child's hostility and defiance, and that she believes that the child's father will be better able to act in the child's best interests at this time.

Then you keep the kid for one and one half months, and then, if the child is doing well in your care, then you file for primary custody and support. If not, then you wait another half month, and repeat the test (doing well: file; doing poorly: don't file). After three months, you file, regardless of the child's disposition, because by then you will have the status quo established, and the other parent won't have a prayer of getting custody back, unless you're doing heroin or beating the child to a pulp.

>3. Without hiring lawyers and going to court, can husband and
>ex wife draw up an agreement over details of this TEMPORARY
>arrangement, have it notarized and honored by the courts?
>Would you recommend this path?

See above. Court won't honor anything except a stipulated order. If you think that the other parent will agree to stipulate to a change in custody ordered by the court, now, then I strongly suggest that you hire an attorney to write up the stipulated order.
>
>4. Boarding/specialty/military school was brought up in a past
>conversation between husband and ex wife.  We know that costs
>lots of $$$ which we probably don't have.  But, if this is
>what would work for stepson, how would you advise us to handle
>this so costs is equally divided between the two households?

The only way to deal with this is to get agreement from the other parent. The court can't order private school -- it CAN order foster care and juvenile detention, so you could mention that to the kid, as a worst case scenario, i.e., "If you don't straighten up your act, the court may order you into foster care or juvenile detention." Not a pleasant alternative.

>5. If #4 happens, won't there be a change in child support?
>What is the best way to handle that?

If you try to get support now, I can pratically guarantee that the custodial parent will back out, because she will realize that she's about to get hammered for money. It's one thing to go from paying no support to paying some support. It's quite another thing to go from RECEIVING SUPPORT to PAYING SUPPORT. It feels like paying twice, and in fact it is, because you're going from a positive to a negative.

>6. Stepson is currently seeing a psychotherapist according to
>his mother.  How much does the court value a psychotherapist's
>findings or recommendation when it comes to custody changes?
>Is a custody change possible given that father is on military
>active duty?

A therapist's testimony could be decisive. As far as the father being on active duty, that's a bad thing, but if you get custody by agreement, and hold it for three months, then you will have a much stronger case to hold on to custody until the father's return, because he can legally delegate his custody responsibilities to his spouse, i.e., you, in his absence.

[kaylene99]

:)

[Giggles]

You stated:

"The court can't order private school"  

Then why is it that probably millions of NCP's are court ordered to provide college to ADULT children?

:-) Go ahead and tell me to go jump off a bridge or something..hehehe  I am a CP and NCP and I DO NOT think it's fair AT ALL that the courts are able to get away with this!!  I fully believe that if a kid wants to go to college, THEY are the one who needs to work for it, plan for and PAY for it.  My lil sis got it handed to her on a platter...she only got to her Associates Degree and is working in Wal-Mart!!!  I'm already prepping my kids (they are 8 and 6) about thier responsibility towards college.  Sure they can live at home...but I'm not paying for thier school!!