Need advice on divorcing a spouse with a mental disorder

[pat31469]

I have been marrried for almost 9 years and have 2 kids (one is aged 4 years and the other is 8 months).  I suspect that my wife has a mental illness (possibly Borderline personality disorder or Bi-polar disorder).  She shows symptoms of both of those and a few others.

Looking back this behavior was there almost from the beginning of our relationship.  I assumed that she would change.  However it has gotten worse.  She has serious anger management issues.  I spend most of my time walking on eggshells trying not to make her mad.  She is easily angered to the point of rage (breaking things, hitting me...) and it is not just directed at me.  Anyone who happens to be present during one of these episodes is subject to her wrath.

She has a pattern of alienating people who we become friendly with.  Usually she misinterprets something burns the bridge and refuses to ever apologize.  She has even attempted to do this with my family.  Thank goodness they have their heads screwed on straight.  They were the ones that suggested the possibility of mental illness.

I attempted to divorce her in 2001 without success.  The catalyst was a argument where she had gone into a rage and began throwing things and finally hit me with a fire extinguisher.  I am 6 feet tall and 200 pounds and in the Navy.  I know how this would have looked if the police had responded.  I would have been led away in handcuffs.

It was after that that I consulted a lawyer.  He drew up a separation agreement.  She refused to sign it.  She said that she would take my son to the other side of the country or to Australia (where she has family).  Furthermore, she said that she would not give me any assistance (financial or otherwise) during the separation.  She actually stopped paying the bills.  She also said that she would accuse me of domestic abuse.  In the next breath she talked about killing herself.  (A common threat of hers).

My wife is an RN and I am in the Navy.  She makes almost double what I make.  My lawyer said because of that she would be required to pay child support to me if we did shared custody.  That really made her flip.

There is also other financial aspects to all of this.  She feels that because of the income difference she is entitled to a bigger piece of the pie than me.  She actually separated all of our bank accounts in 2001 and is very secretive about her money.  The agreement between us is that I pay the mortgage and she pays all of the other bills.  A fairly equitable split.  She leaves the bills that are in any way related to me.  The cable bill, internet, my cell phone, home depot account... Anything that she feels is mine.  Even though they are house related expenses.  I have found this out by receiving bill collectors phone calls.

The situation has again gotten to point that I fell is not tolerable.  I would like to extricate myself from this mess.  

I think that I have finally convinced her to seek a professional evaluation for her mental state.  Is it helpful to me in terms of custody if she has a documented mental illness/ disorder?  

How do I get out of this?  I know the children will suffer.  I can deal with her but I don't feel that my kids need to.  There is no easy way out.  

Do I have to sacrifice my life (figuratively not literally) so my kids don't have the memory of a nasty divorce?  I'm not really into that.  

Anybody have any advise on any of this?  Thanks

[MYSONSDAD]

1. Personality Disorders 101
Various types of personality disorders often play a part in divorce, in fact, some divorces occur for no other reason than that one spouse has a genuine personality disorder or other mentally debilitating condition. Listed below are some of the recognized personality disorders that frequently contribute to rocky marriages, and ultimately, to divorce.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/disorders.htm - size 25kb - 20 Oct 2003

2. Questioning The Mental Health Expert's Custody Report
The process (of a custody evaluation) is hampered by two key facts. First, the scientific literature on custody determination is woefully inadequate. Second, for every competent professional evaluator, there may be many more incompetent ones.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/turkat3.htm - size 19kb - 20 Oct 2003