What do you suggest?

[RCD]

Following is an e-mail. You must read it from the bottom up so that things are in the right order.  I am not offering anything other than the e-mail.  I would like your comments regarding Mom and Dad.  

Thank you for your time.



From: Mom
Sent: Monday, March 15, 2004 8:56 AM
To: 'Dad'
Subject: RE: Overnights

I disagree with every thing that you stated. This is your opinion only nothing more. Son's braces were not broken when you picked him up as my father had taken him that Thursday and had them fixed. Son called me that Sunday from your home and asked that I make an appointment as his braces had broken again, I called and made the appointment and called you back with time so you could take him as you offered.  This e-mail has nothing to do with the children directly at this point as it is a past event so I will not respond to any of your accusations and harassments. You simply want to argue or you would not have put the last sentence on your e-mail. It is truly pathetic that you record all of the conversations, without my permission. I believe that it is illegal to record a telephone conversation unless the caller is notified to that effect. I hope that someday you get the help you need.

----HACKal Message-----
From: Dad
Sent: Friday, March 12, 2004 8:24 PM
To: 'Mom'
Subject: RE: Overnights
Importance: High

     You stated clearly and consistently that I am not showing you any consideration.  Not once in your prating did you address the issue of SON'S BEST INTERESTS.  This was and is about SON.  I changed my entire day around because Son was sick.  The only thing you did was give me grief.  During the recorded telephone conversation you never once asked me how Son was.  You only placed hurdles in front of me making it more difficult to work in Son's interests.  

     Finally, please provide specifics regarding your accusation of how you have been inconvinced over the last few weeks.  I picked Son up early last Friday because he was not feeling well and your parents had plans. I took him to the dentist to have his braces fixed (which were broken when I picked him up).  Seems like the more I do the nastier you get!

     Funny, I don't call these changes and accommodations necessary for Son's best interests inconsiderate, I call it parenting.

     If you choose not to respond, I will consider it to mean that you agree with everything I stated above.




From: Mom
Sent: Friday, March 12, 2004 2:53 PM
To: 'Dad'
Subject: RE: Overnights

I never said 8:00pm was not ok you said between 8-9pm and I said that was kind of late.

I never said I did not want to get up early I said I don't want him brought home that early in the morning I did not say why. Do not put words in my mouth.

Everything is always around your schedule I am never even taken into consideration whatsoever. You change plans show up late change times continually without a thought as to anyone else's schedule this is based on facts and has occurred a lot the past couple of weeks.

I will not respond to this subject any further.

----HACKal Message-----
From: Dad
Sent: Friday, March 12, 2004 2:47 PM
To: 'Mom'
Subject: RE: Overnights
Importance: High

When children are sick, plans naturally change.  I informed you prior to 8 am that he was sick and that I would contact you as soon as I could regarding the balance of the day and any necessary plan adjustments.

When I woke Son up this morning, he told me it hurt to move his head.  Your position that he could travel demonstrated a complete disregard for Son's well being.  

Further, your comments regarding my schedule again show a COMPLETE lack of consideration despite your claim to the contrary.

I told you on the telephone that I would confirm the return time as soon as I was able to solidify my schedule. Obviously that was not good enough for you!

When I suggested 8 pm YOU told me that is was not convenient.  I offered the alternative for tomorrow morning and you said you didn't want to have to get up early for that.

My suggestion that YOU come to get Son was based on the fact that you didn't like anything that I offered.  

To answer your questions directly:

1) Appointments; 2) appointments; 3) Son was Sick
 

________________________________________
From: Mom  
Sent: Friday, March 12, 2004 12:27 PM
To: Dad
Subject: Overnights

SON being sick today is another example of why overnights during the week are not a good idea. Even if Son was sick from school he should have been brought home this morning as you would have had to bring him to school anyway and since it is just a headache there is no reason that he could not have traveled. That way I could have arranged things this morning. You keeping him and not being able to notify me what time you will bring him home is totally inconsiderate. I am confirming to you that Son needs to be brought home tonight. Please notify me by 5:00pm as to what time that will be. Overnights during the week are not a good idea as things like this occur and I have to wait till the last minute to arrange my schedule. I do not ever make you wait till the last minute to tell you when you can get Son and not give you a specific time telling you that I will call and let you know. I show consideration to you. You should express that same consideration to me. As for your comment for me to come get him if I don't like the arrangements you are dictating, these overnights during the week were your idea and you are responsible for the transportation for this. Your extra parenting night was Thursday night and Son is to be returned on Fridays not Saturday mornings.  What is keeping you from bringing Son home sometime during the day as I could make sure my parents were available to be there for him? If you are not working, why can't you bring Son home sometime during the day? Why wasn't Son brought home this morning before school?

[TX]

I can see why your son's head hurts. To be a complete outsider and reading the emails, it sounds like there still is a lot of anger, hurt and bitterness towards one another. As much as you both think your primary concern is your son, it's not. Maybe deep in your heart and mind your really think it is, but by reading the emails, it just doesn't sound like it. I just visualize this little boy not feeling well and his Mom and Dad are mad at each other, his head hurts and all he wants is someone to hold him. Mom and Dad are naturally concerned but the person who gives is really the one that is showing the love. In other words, it's going to hurt to not argue and leave well enough alone. Do you guys live close by each other? I swear, I don't mean to sound harsh and I remember someone telling me about how the bickering was pretty much ridiculas too. Gosh, I didn't think so and at that time the issues like what your addressing WERE important. In relationships of divorced people that are not in agreement, the best way to handle it is to go by the decree. If plans change and the other party agrees then it shouldn't be held over them or brought up in a fit of anger. If the other party doesn't agree, then let it be and don't ask questions why. You both have a son to raise and it wasn't his choice to be caught in the middle of two people that decided to make his world into total chaos. Oh sure, everyone says kids adjust, but they don't, they just learn to handle the fighting, the split holidays, step-brother/sisters/step-parents, the ride there, the ride back, different rules, ect. ect. To me, you both sound like your trying to control each other and if either one of you are in another relationship, I can't imagine how the outsider must feel! What IS the answer? Gawd, don't we all wish we had the answer? I can give a tad of advice from experience and that is to really have a heart to heart talk with yourself and decide what is important and what isn't. Dont' expect your ex to feel the same way you do and if your not going to go by the decree, set down some rules of fair game. Then,  stick by them to the extent of what is realistic and what is not. Once you get on with your life things will be so much easier. Your son will be grown before you know it and though the time may seem like an eternity now, it will be just a wink of an eye and a faded memory before you know it. Trust me, been there..done it and the person that said that to me was right. I just didn't realize how right he was at the time!