Question for NCP Moms (with all due respect)

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

After 3 years of not even exercising his standard EOW visitation, my X met up with the woman who is now his wife. She definitely wears the pants in the family, and it is quite obvious she wanted my kids. I really can't blame him for much more than being her puppet. I on the other hand, have remained single.

In court, the 2 of them along with her two teenage daughters spewed lie after lie. It was like listening to a tape recording. No matter what either myself or my daughter said, it was disregarded and deemed to be false. The judge even chose to believe my X instead of my son's Mobile Therapist.

My morality was attacked because of one incident. After a night of playing cards, the car of a gentleman I was seeing broke down and had to be towed the following day. Of course I allowed him to spend the night. This was the ONLY time in 6 years a man had spent the night. My oh my...how much more of a slut could I be? They ripped me up one side and down the other!

My daughter also testified that this gentleman was very nice and she really adored him. He took us to the movies, and bowling, etc. But this is what is in the court order..." Mother brings men into the home that she meets on the internet (NOT TRUE, and I have NO idea where this came from) leading to one incident that made my daughter fear for her safety and tie herself into her bedroom as she had no locks on her bedroom door!!!!! Talk about fairy tales!!!

However, these FACTS were completely overlooked by the judge...My X had a woman moved into the house the week I moved out, along with her 2 children and her grandchild belonging to her 15 year old daughter.
As well, the 15 year old daughter was arrested for making bomb threats to the school.
Then, while still married to me, still living with the second woman, my X started seeing this person who is now his wife. He then moved into her trailer and my son was made to sleep in a closet. My daughter shared a bedroom with one of her daughters. But then...my daughter was made to sleep on the couch because the daughter's boyfriend moved in.

Yet My morality was in question???

I also proved that my X was lying about having been arrested for stalking and harrassment, as I had all the paperwork with me. That too, was pooh-poohed aside.

I believe it boiled down to..."there is strength in numbers". Four people repeating the same lies will surely beat a mother and daughter telling the truth. I could write a Novel here...but I think it's long enough.

[olanna]

With no disrespect intended, you must live in some state where something like this would even matter. Here in CA, none of that would ever matter.

I am so sorry for the way things turned out.  Looks like there are an entire mass of us that have been exploited, thanks to the new wife in the picture.  

[LESLIEONE1]

hello, what a surprise to come back to sparc with something for the women who get SCREWED by the system. I have been going thru a custody battle for 3 years. Bottom line, I wanted divorce, ex didnt. We have 2 boys at time 10 and 13. Ex took them moved and I got an emergency custody order he had visitation, year later he took me to court for full custody, ended up 50/50 week with me week with him. He paid child support.  2 years later, last month back in court kids talked to judge wanted to live with dad, judge granted it based on what KIDS want and because of ages now 12 and 15 he felt they are old enough. We live in NC by the way.  I have been the best mom a kid could want but ex continued to bad mouth me to kids, I chose not to stoop to that level as this is there dad.  I have bit my tongue, I bought a house in school district to kids in same environment, I work a full time and a part time job to make ends meet. NOW my boys have been living with father full time for a month, they do not call me they have not visited me. There dad has completely taken them away physically and mentally from me. Kicker I make 75% less income then he does and I have to now pay him child support, even though he is an under cover DEA agent and does not need the money. I have to sell my home, and double my hours on my 2nd job.  How can the court system be so cruel and unjust to a mom that just wanted to be a mom and love her kids? We were both proven to be fit parents, but judge left it up to kids. I see this being unjust.....its not just about the money, its the entired alienation that my ex has done and put kids in the middle.  If any one has any input on this I could use some support and replies.  I wish you all the best of luck..worst thing to happen to a mom is to have them taken from you.

[nosonew]

Leslie, I think many boys choose to live with their dad just simply for the fact that they are boys and their dad can and is interested in the same things.  I personally feel that once a child reaches the age of 12-13, if there is NOT any badmouthing by the other parent, the kids should be able to choose which parent to live with. BUT, i firmly believe that 50/50 is always best.  If not, your ex should also be telling the boys that visitation and phone calls are NOT optional.  

I guess I sort of look at it like, first 12 years with mom, last 6 with dad.  2/3 of their childhood (til age 18) with one parent, the rest with the other, if they so choose.  

And if you look on the upside, now dad has to buy their vehicles, pay the insurance, pay for college...very, very expensive.  

I can tell how angry you are at your ex, but perhaps you need to start NOT venting about him or letting the boys know about your anger, towards ex and towards them for choosing ex over you.  You need to fix the relationship, that should be your priority right now.  Sometimes you have to eat crow...

[LESLIEONE1]

Believe me I completely understand where you are coming from. Boys do share alot with father and should. I chose to keep my mouth shut, I have never spoken bad about their father, that is up to them to decide how to feel not up to me to make them feel as I do.  Unfortunatelly the other side of this decided to bad mouth me. I know growing up as a child you respect your father and mother, but ultmately it seems that Dad over rules. I have not spoken to my kids since their decision, they have not called me, I sent them birthday gifts and called them, with nothing in return. I have practed "tough love" in the past and continue to do so.

You are correct there dad has tried to BUY their love, he pays for cell phone, and will for insurance, cars,college etc as you put it.  I chose to say "no" to certain things, and kids at teenagers don't like "no". Thankyou for your reply. Im trying to let go of the bitterness.

[LESLIEONE1]

I feel your pain and can relate. The court system is not fair. Too bad that ex's want to leave it up to a total stranger to decide what is best for our children.  I have been thru some **** slinging as well, too bad that some can be totally honest in court and others can lie and get away with it. Good luck

[nosonew]

Sounds like you are doing all the right things...now it is just a waiting game...for the boys to realize the grass isn't always greener...they will begin to miss you...and soon you should hear from them, just keep up the trying, as hard as it is...best of luck, always.

[Tennessee Dad]

I answer completely, with all due respect.

I am the Father of a 7yo daughter; I (as of September 17th) now have primary custody.  This is after a several month court wait, and 3 days in court battle.  

BM has not worked in over 2 years; in the last year, she has lost her house (foreclosure) and her car (bankruptcy).  I have kept our daughter the majority of the time for the last 3 years.  I had records showing approximately 70% of the overnights.  I originally asked just to make legal the arrangment we were living by; BM refused.  I offered joint custody and continue to pay child support; BM refused.  I begged for negotiation; BM refused.  I asked for mediation; BM refused.  Her only reason "I am her Mother", and "if I give up custody, I lose my money", meaning child support AND government benefits.  

So, I took it to court, and the Judge saw through a BM that simply could not handle being a parent.  Within a few days after getting the signed court order, BM was asking for changes.  Why wasn't she willing to give a little BEFORE I spent thousands of dollars having to fight for more time with my daughter, legally?  She wanted it all, and wound up with very little.  For those who feel they have been taken advantage up by the system, I am truly sorry.  I paid for my own attorney; BM had two attorneys through Legal Aid, so actually I helped pay for them too.

BTW, I did not ask for, nor receive child support.  It's NOT about the money; it's all about taking care of our daughter.  

[karynmb123]

WOW, it is so nice to hear you say that. To be really honest, in my experience that is how a lot of dads get custody, although there are many who should have it.

But how I wish you were my ex, lol. Mine is still holding onto that bitterness and just won't move on.

So I applaud and respect you for coming on here and saying that.


-K