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How do the rest of you NCM deal with CSM????????

Started by ksmomof2girls, Jan 08, 2005, 12:39:36 PM

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ksmomof2girls

I am having problems dealing with our girls' SM.

Here is a little background about the SM and myself.

SM and I were best friends in H.S. and during our marriage. ( X's and mine)

The girls' called her Aunt XXX, as I am an only child, and it was just easier for the girls to call her that.

SM knew that X and I were having problems.  She talked to X about all of her problems she was having with her finance' at the time, not to me, because she wanted a male's opinion.

I let a lot of it slide, as I was so emotionally divorced by that time.

After SM broke up with finance', X asked me what was going on with our marriage.  We soon seperated.  

Not long after our seperation they got to together, then got married.

Now X has custody of our 2 girls, and she's the SM.

SM makes me feel like I was the SM(especially in public) to the girls before, and that she is back with them. Does that make sense?

How do you deal with the SM and the X when they both treat you as you were the SM when you 2 were married instead as the Bio Mom, that you are?


Also, when X and I were married, I was a SAHM for 6 yrs., so I did all of the raising of the girls while he worked 2nd or 3rd shifts.

SM now does all of the things for X while he is at work.  (He works 1st shift.)


This is a response I got from X when I asked if I could have the girls on one of their inservice days. ( He did finally let me have them that day, but it was later on in the day when I was allowed to get them.)

Here is what I wrote about instead of their step-mom.

"I am very reasonable with my request and it is in the best interests of our girls as they should be able to spend extra time with their MOTHER when they are out of school on her weekend, instead of with their Stepmom." ( I gave him a months notice about this by the way.)

"The one line in
your e-mail "instead of their step-mom" is why I made the decision that I did." "First of all they would be spending their regular time with me, their father."  ( He didn't take any time off of work the 2 days they were out of school, so HOW would they be spending time with him, when he wasn't there????)


UPDATE::: I finally have gotten a Parenting plan. and parenting time set up, with FROR in it.  IF I am available to spend time with them when they are out of school for any reason i.e. sick, inservice, and X isn't going to be there, I get FROR....SM doesn't get to spend time with them.

I just would like to know HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DEAL WITH A CSM?




MixedBag

I ignore her.

I correct written records where she has herself listed as the mother.

I tell people that I meet the truth.

I deal only with my EX -- though I'm sure she writes most of his letters to me because he doesn't sign anything at all.

Her attitude is as yours is -- more of a replacement mom than an additional mom.

Kids know what's going on, give them some credit for seeing it.

As a SM, I do the opposite....

I don't deal with DH's EX, that's his responsiblity.

I never let a written record show that I'm the mom -- always put step-mom.

I always introduce the kids as my step-kids.

And DH has to take them to the doctor while they are here -- and if he really can't, then I will.  (Geography precludes us from calling BM to do it).  

(Now my EX and his fake-wife doe the same thing, SHE takes them to the doctor and dentist, and my complaint there is that Dad hasn't taken the time ONCE since Oct 96 that I'm aware of, AND he promised me that he would take care of our son and take him when we divorced -- one of those verbal promises that he never meant to keep because she was waiting in the wings.  Whereas, DH took off work several times to take care of his kids.)

But I do write the checks when we have to reimburse her for something.  And I do go pay the Child Support every month.....mainly because I run the checkbook and pay the bills.  No problem.

olanna

and dated/married a guy that her best friend was with...she should be shot.

MixedBag

Butterfly's EX did that too!!!  Married her friend....

And my EX married an old girlfriend -- whom during our marriage he DENIED was anything but a friend....

olanna

Some of us just have more fiber than others.  I wouldn't consider dating a guy that dated one of my close friends.  

wendl

LMAO I would never date anyone my friends dated ewwwwwwwwwww, hmm what we gonna compare his/her abilities hahahaha


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

olanna

SNERK...but you hit the nail on the head...

;)

Butterfly

(this coming from a known bull-in-a-china-shop type personality! ;))

I'd have to second everything MixedBag stated with a few exceptions in my standard operating procedures...

1.  I don't say CSM because that label is misleading and false.  A stepmother does not possess legal custody, her husband does and she can only be his legal proxy in his temporary absence.  I properly label my child's stepmother as the "residential stepmother".  I'm the "custodial" mother, my geographic separation makes me a "non-residential, custodial mother".  I don't enable her denial and entitlement atttitude simply because she married the child's father and helps him take on some of the physical caregiving responsibilities...responsibilities she took on when the two of them doled out marital responsibilties in their home.

2. I don't ignore the residential stepmother because it's simply a counterproductive parenting practice in the blended family experience. Also, ignoring her lets her know she can get under my skin...I have too much pride to allow her to believe she ever has that kind of emotional control over me. ;) Regardless of how the residential stepmother treats me or mismanages her parental influence with our shared child, I treat her with standard respect and sensitivity for her role and relationship as one of the parents to a shared child.  It is in my child's best interest to treat her better than I would a stranger because my child has developed an attachment to both types of mother.  I facilitate and encourage whatever type of relationship my child has developed with her...sometimes having to tolerate things said and done that I find hurtful.  As the ole Mother Teresa poem says..."it was never between you and them anyway."

3.  I correct incorrect information provided on legal form/school records, etc...quietly these days, instead of trying to control how the residential parents behave.  It's an act in futility...as one mother on here said..."it's better to be proactive instead of reactive".

4. I spend more time investing in my parent-child relationship than I do worrying about the parent-child relationship of other adults with my child.  I've discovered placing my parent-child relationship as a premium is the best defense and protective posture with alienating, emotionally immature adults trying to harm it than any litigation or direct conflict has in protection of it.

The child knows the skinny...one way or another.  As they say, the moment you start slinging mud, you lose ground.  

How I deal with her...the best I can, willfully keeping my heart in the right place.  


backwardsbike

This is gonna sound really strange but....I'd have rather had my ex marry one of my friends.  Instead he married a dragon lady he found in the personals while I was still living with him.  He'd take her to lunch then come home and keep me awake half the night trying to get me to promise to reconcile with him!  I really don't think any of my friends would have had him though. They are all smart women and would have run for the hills the minute he showed an interest!  LOL


backwardsbike

I have to agee with everything you said.  However, I guess I'm still just a tad too"human" and hurt.  Maybe it is because this arrangement is so against what I wanted and thought I would have.  Also because I know that the dad is never home and the SM raises the children.  They must ask her permission before signing up for activities, not dad's.  They must ask her permission to have a friend over because dad can't remember their shedule and doesn't know if they can have a friend over or not.  They must discuss any need for mendical, dental or eye care with her.  If they ask dad he asks her if they need to be seen because he doesn't know.  90% of the time she says they are just making things up to get attention and denies them treatment.  Then they tell me about their problems.  I make an appointment for them and when dad takes then to the appointment they deny the sympotons they told me about.  This seres to make me look really crazy and like I have Munchausen's by Proxy.  One doctor has caught on but dad is still Primary Custodial Parent.

He uses this title every chance he gets to let people know that "the children live with us because the situation at HER house is so poor".  This SM runs her husband legal battles.  She herself has come from a family with muliple divorces and knows every trick in the book and a few I am sure that have not been written yet.  She has told my daughter, " My step mother taught me how to be an evil step mother."  I used to think she was joking but now I know she's serious.

ksmomof2girls

Are you sure that your kids' Step-mom isn't my girls' step-mom??????


 <
Sounds like the same situation at my X's house.  She doesn't deny them Dr visits....She rushes them....instead of trying otc med first.


She (SM) says she doesn't believe in "step"...but she doesn't call her Stepdad -"Dad" nor does she call her Dad's  #5-6,??? wife, Mom....


Just don't understand her sometimes.

Butterfly

prevalent in very emotionally immature adults who do not know the true meaning of selfless love for another without overstepping universal boundaries.

I'm sure she rationalizes away why she need not observe them...after all, she's earned whatever she takes and it really is about the need for the illusion of control over that which cannot be controlled...you being the actual mother to the child.

My child's SM likes to play that card too...make those that make the distinction between the two types of mothers somehow politically incorrect and emotionally deficient because they point out the obvious facts.

I see my child's stepmother asserting herself as the replacement mother as nothing more than her need to be in denial and/or to attempt to cast me as merely an insignificant relationship because my legal classification is non-residential mother.

Society defines motherhood more along the lines of the 'physical' caregiver and long-distance parenting is an oxymoron if it is a woman that has to do it.

sharptimes5

That is so horrible Butterfly!  Your child must be so confused with SM trying to be your replacement.  
As a CSM and a BM I try to see both sides...I treat my SD the way I would want my kids treated if they had a SM.  
When my SD's biomom was still engaging in contact, I considered myself to be simply her caretaker and someone who loved her...sort of like an aunt.  I never asked SD to call me mom or anything similar to it because she does have a mother.  I still haven't asked SD to call me mom, but I don't dissuade her from doing it either...I don't know if that is the wrong thing to be doing.  She does tell people that she has 2 moms, one here with me and hubby and her "mom in Maine."  She knows that she can call me mom or she can call me by my first name as she did for 3 out of the 4 years that I have been a part of her life.
  I encourage her to write to her mom, and help her to spell words that she is unsure of because that is her mother...I will never ever be able to replace her mother...I am a bonus.  When Olivia introduces me as her mom I do feel a swell of pride, but am quick to say that I am not her bio-mom..I always give her mother the credit due her for carrying her for 9 months and giving her love for the first 6 years of her life.  I know that somewhere deep inside her mom does still love her, but doesn't know how to show that love in a physical way.  SD knows that as well.

Carol

olanna

My friends wouldn't consider it...

;)

MixedBag

Butterfly and I both have women in our lives with replacement attitudes....oh and yes, the ENTITLEMENT attitude since I'm not geographically there to take care of my son either.  Both of us would do it in a haeartbeat, but can't....geography......  They both will deny it, but actions speak louder than words.  

Actually, I know for a fact that fake-wife avoids introducing my son as her step-son because she thinks that people will think negatively about their family because they are in a step-situation.  She thinks it's none of their business so she introduces the kids as all "hers".  Reality is that most families ARE in a step-situation and would just blow it off and move on.  When they learn the truth -- they get angry at being deceived.  Not my problem, I didn't tell a lie.....like fake-wife did.

Fortunately, for my son, he's growing up and forming his own perceptions of what's going on.  He's a few years older than Butterfly's daughter, so I'm hoping that hers too will realize what's really going on.

As a SM myself, I share your philosophy and openly discuss it with my step-kids.  

sharptimes5

>Actually, I know for a fact that fake-wife avoids introducing
>my son as her step-son because she thinks that people will
>think negatively about their family because they are in a
>step-situation.  She thinks it's none of their business so she
>introduces the kids as all "hers".  Reality is that most
>families ARE in a step-situation and would just blow it off
>and move on.  When they learn the truth -- they get angry at
>being deceived.  Not my problem, I didn't tell a lie.....like
>fake-wife did.
>
That's wild...there are so many step situations in America and around the world.  I am proud to tell people that I have stepkids, even if I'm not so proud of the actions of their biomom or their dad for that matter when it comes to the problems they had with their marriage.  This really makes me think back to my own teen years because many of my friends parents had divorced and they had stepsibs and step parents while my parents were still together.  My SD is 8 and she finds it totally amazing that my mom and dad are still married after almost 40 years of being together (37 years on the first of Jan).  It does make it harder for me to explain things to her because I have never been in her situation, but I tell her that her daddy and I are planning to be together for a long time, and even if something does happen to our marriage, I will always love her just as I do now.

Carol

olanna

I find it interesting that the SM in my case, funded the custody takeover for my ex...and then admitted she doesn't like the kid and after having a child of her own, has suffered some sort of anxiety over being left alone with her own child.

Wonder what she was trying to prove to me...

When I was pregnant with the very child she help snag...they were having an affair.  I have often wondered why they never went after all the kids...why did they wait to do this until my ex lost his job and I was making good money...hum...let's think about that.

backwardsbike


ksmomof2girls

I was at YD's school one day.  It was close to time for them to get out of school.  Since I hardly get to see any of her work, I went through her backpack.

She had to do "booklet" about herself and her family.  She had put the Stepmom down as her mom.  She didn't put down that she had 2 homes.  Her reason for not putting me down was b/c she didn't know how to spell my name.  Gee..they sure have made sure that she knows how to spell Sm's name.  I guess Heather (sm) is easier to spell than LaDawn(my name).  

She started to get all upset.  I told her its ok.  I know its hard on her.  

But I guess what bothered me the most, is that she didn't list that she lives w/SM.  Just that she lived with her Dad and Mom.


I know its pity things that bother me, but they all add up, and they are a big deal to a lot of us, because we know that someone wants to take our place and doesn't want us to be in it still.

SM has told me that she isn't trying to take my place.....PUHLEASE  What a lie!!!!



MixedBag

Did you get a copy of this project?

Aren't the kids in counselling?

I think it's a wonderful example of your concerns......replacement SM.

I remember when OD and MD had to do a speech in class about their family and they were so worried about filling up those 5 minutes...

I said "Hey, if you include everyone, you have so many people to talk about, the 5 minutes will fly by."

They found pictures and DID include everyone and got A's.  And poor MD, had a picture of her dog -- and said "I sleep with my dog" and the class chuckled (of course the teens were thinking of a different "sleep") but she got through it and then laughed at herself.  

ksmomof2girls

No, I haven't gotten a copy of the project


They were in family counseling at their home...but I wasn't involved w/it......and only knew about it b/c of the girls.....

That was 2 yrs ago...they haven't been since that I know of.

olanna

My ex and his bride are big frogs in a little pond...they live in a very small town in the south, so with me being 3000 miles away, are able to convince their tiny, (and I do mean tiny) circle of friends how they rescued my son from a certain life of crime and drugs.  My ex described the area I live in as if it were downtown Oakland and it couldn't be further from the truth. In actuality, my town has a lower violent crime rate than the little town they live in...and the schools here are California Distinguished Schools. SC ranks at the bottom of state rankings in education...

Truth is, I have lived in SC and know all about the area.  My ex has been to CA once for about 4 days. He knows nothing about the area with the exception of what he hears on the news...I can only imagine he would have had a hay day if I lived in SF, telling everyone in his little town how he saved his son from being gay..matter of fact, he probably wears that banner, too.

I don't care who my son calls Mom.  He knows who is mother is and I know that one will never take my place.  I also know that when my son is old enough to leave home, he will do so just as fast as he can pack, because while he deeply loves his father, his SM has been a source of contention for years...and he wants to return to CA to his roots.

I set my sights on that day, as it is just around the corner.

;)

ksmomof2girls

I am having problems dealing with our girls' SM.

Here is a little background about the SM and myself.

SM and I were best friends in H.S. and during our marriage. ( X's and mine)

The girls' called her Aunt XXX, as I am an only child, and it was just easier for the girls to call her that.

SM knew that X and I were having problems.  She talked to X about all of her problems she was having with her finance' at the time, not to me, because she wanted a male's opinion.

I let a lot of it slide, as I was so emotionally divorced by that time.

After SM broke up with finance', X asked me what was going on with our marriage.  We soon seperated.  

Not long after our seperation they got to together, then got married.

Now X has custody of our 2 girls, and she's the SM.

SM makes me feel like I was the SM(especially in public) to the girls before, and that she is back with them. Does that make sense?

How do you deal with the SM and the X when they both treat you as you were the SM when you 2 were married instead as the Bio Mom, that you are?


Also, when X and I were married, I was a SAHM for 6 yrs., so I did all of the raising of the girls while he worked 2nd or 3rd shifts.

SM now does all of the things for X while he is at work.  (He works 1st shift.)


This is a response I got from X when I asked if I could have the girls on one of their inservice days. ( He did finally let me have them that day, but it was later on in the day when I was allowed to get them.)

Here is what I wrote about instead of their step-mom.

"I am very reasonable with my request and it is in the best interests of our girls as they should be able to spend extra time with their MOTHER when they are out of school on her weekend, instead of with their Stepmom." ( I gave him a months notice about this by the way.)

"The one line in
your e-mail "instead of their step-mom" is why I made the decision that I did." "First of all they would be spending their regular time with me, their father."  ( He didn't take any time off of work the 2 days they were out of school, so HOW would they be spending time with him, when he wasn't there????)


UPDATE::: I finally have gotten a Parenting plan. and parenting time set up, with FROR in it.  IF I am available to spend time with them when they are out of school for any reason i.e. sick, inservice, and X isn't going to be there, I get FROR....SM doesn't get to spend time with them.

I just would like to know HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DEAL WITH A CSM?




MixedBag

I ignore her.

I correct written records where she has herself listed as the mother.

I tell people that I meet the truth.

I deal only with my EX -- though I'm sure she writes most of his letters to me because he doesn't sign anything at all.

Her attitude is as yours is -- more of a replacement mom than an additional mom.

Kids know what's going on, give them some credit for seeing it.

As a SM, I do the opposite....

I don't deal with DH's EX, that's his responsiblity.

I never let a written record show that I'm the mom -- always put step-mom.

I always introduce the kids as my step-kids.

And DH has to take them to the doctor while they are here -- and if he really can't, then I will.  (Geography precludes us from calling BM to do it).  

(Now my EX and his fake-wife doe the same thing, SHE takes them to the doctor and dentist, and my complaint there is that Dad hasn't taken the time ONCE since Oct 96 that I'm aware of, AND he promised me that he would take care of our son and take him when we divorced -- one of those verbal promises that he never meant to keep because she was waiting in the wings.  Whereas, DH took off work several times to take care of his kids.)

But I do write the checks when we have to reimburse her for something.  And I do go pay the Child Support every month.....mainly because I run the checkbook and pay the bills.  No problem.

olanna

and dated/married a guy that her best friend was with...she should be shot.

MixedBag

Butterfly's EX did that too!!!  Married her friend....

And my EX married an old girlfriend -- whom during our marriage he DENIED was anything but a friend....

olanna

Some of us just have more fiber than others.  I wouldn't consider dating a guy that dated one of my close friends.  

wendl

LMAO I would never date anyone my friends dated ewwwwwwwwwww, hmm what we gonna compare his/her abilities hahahaha


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

olanna

SNERK...but you hit the nail on the head...

;)

Butterfly

(this coming from a known bull-in-a-china-shop type personality! ;))

I'd have to second everything MixedBag stated with a few exceptions in my standard operating procedures...

1.  I don't say CSM because that label is misleading and false.  A stepmother does not possess legal custody, her husband does and she can only be his legal proxy in his temporary absence.  I properly label my child's stepmother as the "residential stepmother".  I'm the "custodial" mother, my geographic separation makes me a "non-residential, custodial mother".  I don't enable her denial and entitlement atttitude simply because she married the child's father and helps him take on some of the physical caregiving responsibilities...responsibilities she took on when the two of them doled out marital responsibilties in their home.

2. I don't ignore the residential stepmother because it's simply a counterproductive parenting practice in the blended family experience. Also, ignoring her lets her know she can get under my skin...I have too much pride to allow her to believe she ever has that kind of emotional control over me. ;) Regardless of how the residential stepmother treats me or mismanages her parental influence with our shared child, I treat her with standard respect and sensitivity for her role and relationship as one of the parents to a shared child.  It is in my child's best interest to treat her better than I would a stranger because my child has developed an attachment to both types of mother.  I facilitate and encourage whatever type of relationship my child has developed with her...sometimes having to tolerate things said and done that I find hurtful.  As the ole Mother Teresa poem says..."it was never between you and them anyway."

3.  I correct incorrect information provided on legal form/school records, etc...quietly these days, instead of trying to control how the residential parents behave.  It's an act in futility...as one mother on here said..."it's better to be proactive instead of reactive".

4. I spend more time investing in my parent-child relationship than I do worrying about the parent-child relationship of other adults with my child.  I've discovered placing my parent-child relationship as a premium is the best defense and protective posture with alienating, emotionally immature adults trying to harm it than any litigation or direct conflict has in protection of it.

The child knows the skinny...one way or another.  As they say, the moment you start slinging mud, you lose ground.  

How I deal with her...the best I can, willfully keeping my heart in the right place.  


backwardsbike

This is gonna sound really strange but....I'd have rather had my ex marry one of my friends.  Instead he married a dragon lady he found in the personals while I was still living with him.  He'd take her to lunch then come home and keep me awake half the night trying to get me to promise to reconcile with him!  I really don't think any of my friends would have had him though. They are all smart women and would have run for the hills the minute he showed an interest!  LOL


backwardsbike

I have to agee with everything you said.  However, I guess I'm still just a tad too"human" and hurt.  Maybe it is because this arrangement is so against what I wanted and thought I would have.  Also because I know that the dad is never home and the SM raises the children.  They must ask her permission before signing up for activities, not dad's.  They must ask her permission to have a friend over because dad can't remember their shedule and doesn't know if they can have a friend over or not.  They must discuss any need for mendical, dental or eye care with her.  If they ask dad he asks her if they need to be seen because he doesn't know.  90% of the time she says they are just making things up to get attention and denies them treatment.  Then they tell me about their problems.  I make an appointment for them and when dad takes then to the appointment they deny the sympotons they told me about.  This seres to make me look really crazy and like I have Munchausen's by Proxy.  One doctor has caught on but dad is still Primary Custodial Parent.

He uses this title every chance he gets to let people know that "the children live with us because the situation at HER house is so poor".  This SM runs her husband legal battles.  She herself has come from a family with muliple divorces and knows every trick in the book and a few I am sure that have not been written yet.  She has told my daughter, " My step mother taught me how to be an evil step mother."  I used to think she was joking but now I know she's serious.

ksmomof2girls

Are you sure that your kids' Step-mom isn't my girls' step-mom??????


 <
Sounds like the same situation at my X's house.  She doesn't deny them Dr visits....She rushes them....instead of trying otc med first.


She (SM) says she doesn't believe in "step"...but she doesn't call her Stepdad -"Dad" nor does she call her Dad's  #5-6,??? wife, Mom....


Just don't understand her sometimes.

Butterfly

prevalent in very emotionally immature adults who do not know the true meaning of selfless love for another without overstepping universal boundaries.

I'm sure she rationalizes away why she need not observe them...after all, she's earned whatever she takes and it really is about the need for the illusion of control over that which cannot be controlled...you being the actual mother to the child.

My child's SM likes to play that card too...make those that make the distinction between the two types of mothers somehow politically incorrect and emotionally deficient because they point out the obvious facts.

I see my child's stepmother asserting herself as the replacement mother as nothing more than her need to be in denial and/or to attempt to cast me as merely an insignificant relationship because my legal classification is non-residential mother.

Society defines motherhood more along the lines of the 'physical' caregiver and long-distance parenting is an oxymoron if it is a woman that has to do it.

sharptimes5

That is so horrible Butterfly!  Your child must be so confused with SM trying to be your replacement.  
As a CSM and a BM I try to see both sides...I treat my SD the way I would want my kids treated if they had a SM.  
When my SD's biomom was still engaging in contact, I considered myself to be simply her caretaker and someone who loved her...sort of like an aunt.  I never asked SD to call me mom or anything similar to it because she does have a mother.  I still haven't asked SD to call me mom, but I don't dissuade her from doing it either...I don't know if that is the wrong thing to be doing.  She does tell people that she has 2 moms, one here with me and hubby and her "mom in Maine."  She knows that she can call me mom or she can call me by my first name as she did for 3 out of the 4 years that I have been a part of her life.
  I encourage her to write to her mom, and help her to spell words that she is unsure of because that is her mother...I will never ever be able to replace her mother...I am a bonus.  When Olivia introduces me as her mom I do feel a swell of pride, but am quick to say that I am not her bio-mom..I always give her mother the credit due her for carrying her for 9 months and giving her love for the first 6 years of her life.  I know that somewhere deep inside her mom does still love her, but doesn't know how to show that love in a physical way.  SD knows that as well.

Carol

olanna

My friends wouldn't consider it...

;)

MixedBag

Butterfly and I both have women in our lives with replacement attitudes....oh and yes, the ENTITLEMENT attitude since I'm not geographically there to take care of my son either.  Both of us would do it in a haeartbeat, but can't....geography......  They both will deny it, but actions speak louder than words.  

Actually, I know for a fact that fake-wife avoids introducing my son as her step-son because she thinks that people will think negatively about their family because they are in a step-situation.  She thinks it's none of their business so she introduces the kids as all "hers".  Reality is that most families ARE in a step-situation and would just blow it off and move on.  When they learn the truth -- they get angry at being deceived.  Not my problem, I didn't tell a lie.....like fake-wife did.

Fortunately, for my son, he's growing up and forming his own perceptions of what's going on.  He's a few years older than Butterfly's daughter, so I'm hoping that hers too will realize what's really going on.

As a SM myself, I share your philosophy and openly discuss it with my step-kids.  

sharptimes5

>Actually, I know for a fact that fake-wife avoids introducing
>my son as her step-son because she thinks that people will
>think negatively about their family because they are in a
>step-situation.  She thinks it's none of their business so she
>introduces the kids as all "hers".  Reality is that most
>families ARE in a step-situation and would just blow it off
>and move on.  When they learn the truth -- they get angry at
>being deceived.  Not my problem, I didn't tell a lie.....like
>fake-wife did.
>
That's wild...there are so many step situations in America and around the world.  I am proud to tell people that I have stepkids, even if I'm not so proud of the actions of their biomom or their dad for that matter when it comes to the problems they had with their marriage.  This really makes me think back to my own teen years because many of my friends parents had divorced and they had stepsibs and step parents while my parents were still together.  My SD is 8 and she finds it totally amazing that my mom and dad are still married after almost 40 years of being together (37 years on the first of Jan).  It does make it harder for me to explain things to her because I have never been in her situation, but I tell her that her daddy and I are planning to be together for a long time, and even if something does happen to our marriage, I will always love her just as I do now.

Carol

olanna

I find it interesting that the SM in my case, funded the custody takeover for my ex...and then admitted she doesn't like the kid and after having a child of her own, has suffered some sort of anxiety over being left alone with her own child.

Wonder what she was trying to prove to me...

When I was pregnant with the very child she help snag...they were having an affair.  I have often wondered why they never went after all the kids...why did they wait to do this until my ex lost his job and I was making good money...hum...let's think about that.

backwardsbike


ksmomof2girls

I was at YD's school one day.  It was close to time for them to get out of school.  Since I hardly get to see any of her work, I went through her backpack.

She had to do "booklet" about herself and her family.  She had put the Stepmom down as her mom.  She didn't put down that she had 2 homes.  Her reason for not putting me down was b/c she didn't know how to spell my name.  Gee..they sure have made sure that she knows how to spell Sm's name.  I guess Heather (sm) is easier to spell than LaDawn(my name).  

She started to get all upset.  I told her its ok.  I know its hard on her.  

But I guess what bothered me the most, is that she didn't list that she lives w/SM.  Just that she lived with her Dad and Mom.


I know its pity things that bother me, but they all add up, and they are a big deal to a lot of us, because we know that someone wants to take our place and doesn't want us to be in it still.

SM has told me that she isn't trying to take my place.....PUHLEASE  What a lie!!!!



MixedBag

Did you get a copy of this project?

Aren't the kids in counselling?

I think it's a wonderful example of your concerns......replacement SM.

I remember when OD and MD had to do a speech in class about their family and they were so worried about filling up those 5 minutes...

I said "Hey, if you include everyone, you have so many people to talk about, the 5 minutes will fly by."

They found pictures and DID include everyone and got A's.  And poor MD, had a picture of her dog -- and said "I sleep with my dog" and the class chuckled (of course the teens were thinking of a different "sleep") but she got through it and then laughed at herself.  

ksmomof2girls

No, I haven't gotten a copy of the project


They were in family counseling at their home...but I wasn't involved w/it......and only knew about it b/c of the girls.....

That was 2 yrs ago...they haven't been since that I know of.

olanna

My ex and his bride are big frogs in a little pond...they live in a very small town in the south, so with me being 3000 miles away, are able to convince their tiny, (and I do mean tiny) circle of friends how they rescued my son from a certain life of crime and drugs.  My ex described the area I live in as if it were downtown Oakland and it couldn't be further from the truth. In actuality, my town has a lower violent crime rate than the little town they live in...and the schools here are California Distinguished Schools. SC ranks at the bottom of state rankings in education...

Truth is, I have lived in SC and know all about the area.  My ex has been to CA once for about 4 days. He knows nothing about the area with the exception of what he hears on the news...I can only imagine he would have had a hay day if I lived in SF, telling everyone in his little town how he saved his son from being gay..matter of fact, he probably wears that banner, too.

I don't care who my son calls Mom.  He knows who is mother is and I know that one will never take my place.  I also know that when my son is old enough to leave home, he will do so just as fast as he can pack, because while he deeply loves his father, his SM has been a source of contention for years...and he wants to return to CA to his roots.

I set my sights on that day, as it is just around the corner.

;)