PAS

[Kboeds]

Is there any way to reverse PAS that has been going on for years unrecognized? I read the guidelines last night of identifing PAS and although I knew my daughters BF and SM had turned her against me, I didn't realize that the things they had been doing all these years were actually PAS. They have made me an outsider in my daughters life when up to 10 months ago I was the one who did everything with her and they did nothing. She rarely talks to me now and when she does she lies constantly. I don't know how to change it, does anyone have suggestions or know what articles I should be reading?
BTW, my PAS situation is different then what I have read about. This PAS was done by BF and SM while my duaghter has been living with me for the last 14 years. So just because you have custody, doesn't mean that the OP can't do this to your child. I helped them and didn't even realize it until it was too late and now I have lost custody and have only standard holiday visitation. I kick myself everyday and now I can see how they have been doing this for the last 14 years. I wonder what I could have done to change it. I think any attempts on my part to change what was happening over the last 14 years would have only gotten them what they were after earlier.

K

[MixedBag]

Keep loving your child with all your heart.

Call her on the lies when you know you can make her understand what's the truth and that she's lying.

Take her own examples and show her how they just don't make sense.  For example, my son will say he doesn't want to "go away from his home town" over a weekend for more than 5 hours away because that's what the court order says.  Well, I asked him "Then why is it o.k. with you when your dad takes you 6 or 7 hours away?  But not if I want to take you away over a weekend?"  Got him to see that it makes no sense.

I could give you a dozen examples, but hopefully you get the idea.

Most of all -- tell your child and SHOW your child that she is allowed to love her dad inspite of the fact that you two are divorced.  She doesn't have to choose between him and you, SHE gets to have both.  Most parents who use their children also make their children feel like they have to choose one or the other instead of teaching them they can love both their parents inspite of the fact that their parents don't love each other.

[Kboeds]

Thank you for the suggestions. I have called her on her lies and even when I have proof of the lie she still insist she isn't lying. It is quite frustrating.
Example; after she went to live with her BF and SM we had a party for my niece and my daughter went with me to the party. While at the party she told my sister "you know, I can divorce my mom and this family any time I want to" because my sister was shocked by what my daughter said and in the middle of entertaining guest she didn't respond. When I said something to my daughter about making that comment, she swore up and down that she NEVER said that and wouldn't say that cause she doesn't feel that way. My daughter wanted to know who told me that because they were lying and she wanted to confront them herself. A few weeks later I was having a discussion with BF and he said they aren't trying to turn her against me and I said if that is true then why is she telling my family that she can divorce me any time she wants? BF's first response was "I told her she should have never said that" (Busted) Even BF admitted she said it. I got my duaghter on the phone and told her that her dad just admitted she said it, so I knew she was lying. I got a letter from my daughter shortly after that, saying that she never said anything about divorcing me and that her dad lied to me and said she did to keep me from yelling at her. So even when she knows I know the truth, she will say everyone else is lying and not her. As far as things not making sence. What sence does it make that her dad would lie and say she was talking about divorcing me so that I woudln't get upset and yell at her????  Of course I'm going to be upset that the child I have devoted my life to for 14 1/2 years has suddenly decided she doesn't want to live with me anymore and is telling people she can divorce me any time she wants.

Thanks again for your thoughts, it helps to have a place to share this stuff with people who are going through similar problems.

K

[joni]

Here's a concept to read about and familiarize yourself with regarding PAS and the possibility of spontaneous reunification.

http://www.hisside.com/12_19_04.htm

[Kboeds]

Thank you for the additional information, I will be spending a lot of time reading on that site. It is great!!

[BlendedFamily]

A little background:  Shared parental custody in FL... Split 50/50...No CP or NCP.

Our daughter is 11 1/2 and she has been manipulating both her BF and I for years.  The constant.... I don't want to live with you, I don't want to visit you, I don't want to ___________ (fill in the blank).

Although I love my daughter with all my heart, I as a parent am not going to put up with the manipulation and such that she has learned from her BF.  I am understanding now that pre-teen's/teen's have tunnel vision and the majority of the time they are looking out for the best interest of themselves and noone else in the picture.

It truly hurts me to no ends especially when I spoke to her on the phone last night and she told me I was mean and that she didn't want to be my daughter anymore because I told her "No."  I said the awful word "No."

One thing that my parents have been preaching to me lately is that even though you love your children with all of your heart, one day they are going to grow up, let everything take it's course.  I know that sounds dis-heartening but from your post it seems like the same situation that I am in with my ODD... grass is greener on the other side "right now"... that's where I want to be.

[Kboeds]

That is exactly what is going on in our case too. She moved in with her BF and SM last May and in that time her SM has gotten her an acting agent, her navel pierced, a second piercing in her ears when she didn't even wear earings in the first pierching. She was promised her a car with no modifications, and a drivers license with no driving test. That was after getting her a cell phone. The grass is totally greener, but un realistic and she is finding that out now. The original agreement was that she would live with him until Dec 2004, with no legal changes and we would both sign an agreement that no child support would be paid either way. My ex said something about my telling my daughter even if she changed her mind I would not let her come back home. I told him that I have always told her if she wanted to go live with her dad she could but it would not be a back and forth who do I like this week game. I told him that is exactly why I want her to have this time to make sure before any legal changes are made. I told him if she decides to stay with you and we legally change custody, then she is not coming back to my house until after the court order is over. My ex filed for the custody change in July or August and it was final in Oct. So much for waiting, he wanted to make sure I wouldn't take her back if she changed her mind.
 I don't play all the buy me games, I told her after she said she want to go live with them that I would not try to buy her back and I haven't. We had a really good visit last weekend, she actually gave me a hug before going to bed. I haven't had one of those from her in about 10 months, It was very cool!!!

[BlendedFamily]

Yes, I can totally understand.  We are going through a custody mod right now because we have a son that is 8yo as well.  I am fighting for primary custody of our son because he is failing school miserably and needs extra help (tutoring).  I paid for all the assessments at Sylvan and such and to no avail has the Ex agreed to help pay for the tutoring to help our son with his mild learning disability.  I was the one who got him tested, doctor after doctor, speech therapy, you name it...I was the one doing it.  Ex is now offering our 8yo son the "grass is greener" act.  FYI... during the past 6yrs Ex has never paid CS and now since I retained an attorney for my case I found out I could have been receiving CS for the past 6yrs... how ignorant I was during the divorce.

I don't want to stomp on your post with all the 411 but our son has been living with us (BM & SD) for a year and only visiting BF EOW or EO Sunday during the course of the year.

I have already expressed to our daughter that the revolving door stops now.  She is going to be in Jr. High next year so in reality she will have to stay with one parent more than the other due to being in different school districts.

Just keep yourself strong, keep your head up, and cherish those weekends now with her and make the best of it (enjoy those hugs) because guess what?  They will slip, they will upset her one day and finally have to tell her "NO" and who do you think she will remember more when she is an adult... the ones who bought her everything... or the ones who taught her morals and values.  I would opt for #2. :)

[CustodyIQ]

K,

Others on this thread have given some good tips and support, so I won't repeat all of that.

I'd strongly recommend the book called Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak.

Rather than getting into the debate about whether PAS is truly a "syndrome" or diagnosis, that book addresses causes/symptoms and proactive steps to try to combat intentional alienation attempts.

I found the book to be extremely helpful in making me feel empowered that I can have just as aggressive an approach to fight it as the other side does to advance it.

You can order it from Amazon, and there's a link to it on my website.

Best of luck to you in helping your daughter see the light.

[backwardsbike]

For what it is worth, I think you have your head on straight.  Kids need limits.  they don't like them but they need that.  They aren't mature enough to figure it all out by themselves.

You are smart enough not to be manipulated by your daughter.  I applaud you and I support you.  Stand firm.  She'll want to be with you again before you know it!