I don't know what is wrong with me...LONG POST

[kansasmom_1]

Hi, I am new here but not to the custody battle arena. I have been divorced from my X for 8 yrs now.  We didn't have custody arrangements in our divorce because his parents had temporary guardianship due to our relationship being very timultuous (sp?) and him having a mistress and daughter the last two years of our marriage.  I had the guardianship terminated but my atty did not file a temp. custody order and since there was no order in my divorce, whoever had physical custody of the kids when the guardianship was terminated got custody of the kids.  I did not know this, my atty did not tell me and my X got custody.

I have been fighting ever since for custody of my kids.  My X has since married his mistress and had another child.  I am engaged but have been with the same man for about 7 yrs.  In May of 2000, my X's wife tied my then 5 yr old daughter up with a phone cord because she walked into the living room and found her with her hands down her pants.  I took them to court, didn't get my kids.  A year later, my X beat my daughter severely because she is terrified of the dark and he took her nightlight out of her room, she threw a fit and he beat her.  I took them to court, BUT I only got custody of my daughter, not my son.

When they did a home study on both families, my X set it up like "Father Knows Best", the whole family was playing games and his parents were even there when the case worker came.  I let the case worker see what real life is all about and wasn't about to set it up like the X did.  They found that neither one of us were better parents, neither house was better.

Every time I go to court the judge asks me "Are you married yet?" and I answer no.  I am not perfect, but then again, no one is.  My X beat me and emotionally and verbally abused me constantly when we were together.  My X and his wife degrade me, my oldest daughter and the rest of my family in front of my children all the time.  The good thing about my situation is that my daughter is out.  My son, on the other hand, has to face his father and stepmother every day.  My X has told me personally that he holds my 13 yr old son down to spank him and when I told my X that both of my kids are terrified of him he said "good they should be".  His wife's favorite mode of punishment is to slap my son across the face and their two children have seen this enough that they also do this to both of my children (I know this because she has told me about incidents where she has slapped my son).  

For the life of me, I cannot understand what is so wrong with me that the judge in our case thinks that living in these conditions would be better for my children than living with me.  There are only two things that I can think of that could remotely be against me and that is that I am not married to my fiance yet and that I am disabled.  I am not disabled to where I am in a wheelchair or have to walk with a cane or such, I have ruptured two disks in my back and have a lot of nerve damage, etc due to this.  Still, I cannot understand why this judge is so biased against me.  I have NEVER done anything to either one of my children and my daughter is growing up to be a well rounded and articulate young lady.

I know that there are a lot of good fathers out there that deserve custody of their kids.  My fiance has custody of his son, so I know both sides of the coin.  This is not one of those cases, trust me!!  But what am I missing here?  I live in KS by the way and my X now lives in TN so I have that to contend with now.  My son is begging me to go to court and fight for him to live with me, he says he hates his father and can't stand to be there another day...

Any advice or help in any way, shape or form would be appreciated!
kansasmom_1

[Brianna6]

Have you tried looking into a Substantial Change in Circumstances? Look on line undre the state you live in or the State he lives in. It is really hard to go through this and if your son is 12 or over he should be able to choose where he wants to live.

[kansasmom_1]

There are so many other issues that are involved in this, I don't even know where to look up things that could help me.  A lot of the articles that I have read on here I have printed because they offered a lot of help. But when it comes to the state of KS I have no clue where to begin.

My X has held all the cards and continues to.  When I speak with my son, my X either has to be on the other line or I am placed on speakerphone.  He called me on Feb 3 and started arguing with me because I told my son that if he no longer wanted to live with his dad and was willing to stand up in court that I would fight for him.  He told me that if I thought it was so easy raising my son, that I was wrong!  Then he told me to have the custody papers drawn up and that if I would stop the child support that he pays for my daughter and have the custody papers drawn up giving me custody of both kids that he would sign them.  I did!! My atty sent them to him and when I asked him if he got them, he told me "I ain't signing those!"  He told my son I wasn't having the papers drawn up before he actually got them and that the only reason this was going on was because I wanted money.  My son asked me about this and I told him that I didn't understand why his father was saying that. I told him the truth; that the papers were on their way and that I could care less about the money.  When my son was told that my X had the papers and refused to sign, he was heartbroken.

I keep telling him to be strong and to behave and this will all be over with soon.  I just want my son to be happy and not be abused any longer..... any suggestions?

[usayow]

Okay I will try to help but I am very honest when it comes to being a biomom and stepmom.  I am both and have to seen both sides of the coin.

To help with state statutes look at top of page under state information and click on your state their are pages to help guide you through.

Please never say to your son if you will stand up in court and say this then I will do this.  This does not help the situation at all.  First he can voice an opinion but their still has to be a change in circumstances.  The judge will take this under advisement.  Second see if you can record conversations in your state.  If so record these.  If you have an attorney he should be able to help you.  

Even though he says this about cs doesn't mean a judge won't order if even if you agree to it.  Anyways anytime your son questions you about his dad you need to say talk to him about it.  Because it will look like you are trying to coach your son and courts do not like this.  You explain your side if need be and let him know you love him and are their for him.  As far as any legal battles or anything elsse he should not be hearing it from either side.  Have your attorney draw up something regarding this and bring it to the courts attention.  But this also means you have to watch out too.  

From him hearing that your x has the papers and he won't sign all that does is make more hardship on this child.  To me it sounds like you both are guilty of using son even if not intending to.  He should in NO WAY know anything that's going on with parents.  Go to court and take it from their.  Talk to your attorney and fight everything that's going on.  Good luck and I wish you well.  

God Bless your son and hopefully you will not take offense to what I have said but sounds like both sides are a little bitter and need to change.

Sincerely,
usayow

[kansasmom_1]

I have always told both of my children that they should tell the truth no matter what.  I have always told my children that if they don't want to live with me, I will understand and I will not be mad at them.  I have to be honest, I am no saint and I have been angry with my X and probably have said some things about him that I shouldn't have in front of my children.  BUT I have adamantly told both of my kids that no matter what, they need to base their opinions and feelings for their father based on their OWN experiences with him and how he treats THEM, never ever by anything that I have said.  I try very, very hard not to speak harshly of their father or stepmother because even though I do not like either one of them, this is still their father and his wife and they deserve respect simply for that reason.

I cannot say this for my X.  He has repeatedly said things to my son and daughter about me, my fiance, my oldest daughter and the rest of my family.  In regards to the papers I sent, my son knew the papers were coming because his father told him.  But I just told him that his father had the papers after his father told me he wasn't signing them.  My son is the one who came to the conclusion that his father wasn't going to sign them and then asked me about it.  I defend myself to my kids because of the things that my X and his wife say all the time WITHOUT having to stoop to the level of attacking them.  I tell my children "that's their opinion" or ask my kids "What do you think about that?" or "How does that make you feel?"  

Yes, there is a lot of animosity between the X, his wife and myself.  There are many other things that I haven't posted here that my X and his wife have said and done.  I have been trying to prevent my children from being put in the middle.  I have been trying to prevent my children from being used as pawns in this sick game.  I have been trying to prevent my children from being abused by anyone.  I want them to be happy. I want them to be loved.  If I thought that was happening in their fathers' house, I would have dropped this and lived life the way I have for the last few years.  When a child tells you about being slapped around by their stepmother and thrown around by their father, do you turn the other cheek and a blind eye?  NO!  I have fought and no one listens.  I have gone to the SRS, the police, and the courts and NO ONE LISTENS!

My biggest fear is that I will get a phone call from the TN police telling me that my son is either hurt really bad or worse.  I don't want to live with this fear anymore and I don't want either one of my kids to either.

I am not mad about what you said to a point because you have a point in some of what you said and you are entitled to your opinion.  I appreciate you input and thank you for your blessings.

kansasmom_1

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

As you yourself acknowledge, your approach to date on getting custody of your son has not gone well.  There may be nothing wrong with you, but there is evidently something wrong with your approach (i.e., if the goal is to convince a judge).

This means you need to spend some time learning how to build an effective case, and how to argue it successfully in court.

As a previous poster mentioned, recording phone calls is one example of gathering evidence (but check legal issues in your state).

Taking a 13 year old boy to a child psychologist is another example to have a credible expert witness testify as to a child's best interest.

Teachers' testimony about what a child expresses, or about bruises, is another example.

There's an excellent book called "Child Custody A to Z" by Guy White.  I strongly recommend that you get it.  It's likely not in a local library, but it's available at Amazon, and perhaps at your local bookstore.

Put together a solid case with solid evidence (not just "he said she said" between you and your ex), and the judge won't have much choice but to modify custody based upon it.

Good luck.