In A Bad Way!!!!!!!

[J.B.]

Hello,
    I have a huge problem on my hands but before I go into that , please let me back up some. Nine years ago my ex husband and I got a divorce. I agreed at the time that we have joint custody but for him to be managing conservator. He told me at the time if I would not take it to trial that He would keep full coverage health insurance(at his cost).There would not be a order for me to pay child support since I have never worked and I have Cerebral Palsy.It was also agreed that we share custody(we would have the children with equal time). It was also agreed that he stay living in Leon County he said that he wanted the children to graduate from the same high school as he did.Well after the papers was signed and I got home it was read to me that the papers said he only had to live in leon county for one year.When the one year was up he sent me a certified letter saying he was moving from Leon county to Palestine (Anderson county). Well since I can not drive due to my disability my current husband has been doing all the drive for the past nine years(my current husband is also disabled from a back injury and is recieving SSI). Also for the past eight years the distance has been 90 miles round trip on friday to get them and another 90 miles monday morning to return them(we take them straight to school on monday morning). Well in 2001  I started recieving SSI as well. Our total income is 904.00 monthly(my husband gets $452.00 and I get $452.00) Well for the last three or four years now my ex husband has put my three sons (now ages 14, 12, and 11) into football and band so that it would interfer with the time that I get them. I have refused to allow him to take away the 4 to 6 days(mostly 4 days) a month that I get my children. So When it was my time to get them I would go get them regardless if it caused them to miss a game or marching in the band.Since they have moved 45 miles away I am only getting them 1st 3rd and 5th fridays of the month because I cant afford the gas money to get them more then that. Well we found out that my current husband as Liver Disease and is now on the transplant list, then in July my Daddy died at 55 years old.My ex husband gets the children for 8 days at the beginning of summer, then for Fathers Day weekend, then for 8 days before school starts(all the rest of the summer I get them). Well at the beginning of the school year my oldest son who is in the ninth grade decided he didnt want to play football but wanted to stay in the marching band. Well since he is earning credits now, I talked to my ex husband and told him I didnt have a problem with my son marching in the school band but I simply cant afford to drive 45 miles to pick up the other children drive 45 miles home then wait 5 or 6 hours and drive 45 miles back to pick up my oldest and drive 45 miles back home and I am simply to ill to attend and watch him march and he would have to bring him to me on friday nights after the game. He said he would bring my oldest son to me during the marching season.I told my ex husband about my current husbands health problems and ask him if he would continue to bring the children to me after marching season is over and he said he would not.
       On September 11th, 2006( my youngest sons 11th birthday) He had me served with papers (which was a total shock to me) saying he was taking me to court to have the case moved to Anderson county, asking for my time to be reduced because I am failing to allow my children to particapate in extracurricular activities (if he wouldnt have moved the children 45 miles away we wouldnt have this problem because the school they would be going to is 3 miles from here). He is also asking for 1/2 health care on children and child support. Well I contacted legal aid and they said that they couldnt help me because they dont have the funds to help.With no money, no one to turn to for help, I just dont know what to do or or where to turn. I have been told that because I am not a criminal , the judge isnt going to appoint me an attorney and by going into court without a lawyer that the judge is only going to address my ex husband issues and the judge will not hear anything from me.. I called SSI and they said that my checks are what they call a welfare program check and that they cant be garnished for child support but my main concern is that the court will take the only 4 days a month I have with my children away. I would really like to raise my own issues, like to ask if there is any way that my ex husband can be ordered to help out with the driving and that any of my time lost due to extracurricular activities be given back to me during his summer visitation. I also want primary custody of my 2 younger boys who are 12 and 11 years old.My questions to you is since my current husband is in bad health and I am unable to drive , is there anyway the judge could order my ex to help out with the driving even though we dont live 100 miles apart? I was also wondering if there was any direction you can point me to any help on all this or is there any advice that you can give me as to what to expect and what to say when I go to court? I am so confused and stressed!!! Any help on this would be greatly appreciated! Thank you so very much for your time. Sorry for the long post

[Giggles]

Unfortunately, you made a few mistakes.  The biggest was at the beginning did you have a lawyer?  Was your agreement in writing? You MUST GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING!!!  Another thing you need to do is document...document...document.  By letting this go, he's established "Status Quo" and it will be a hard fight.  As for his move, did he have your's or the courts permission to do so?  

Whom ever told you that you would not be able to present your side in court ought to be shot...you are what's known as "Pro Se" in other words you can represent yourself.

My suggestion is that you edit your post and questions then post them to Dear Socreteaser (on this forum).  BUT make sure you revise them to fit his posting guidelines or he will not answer!!!  He's helped me and many others on this board who are "Pro Se".

One good thing you may have in your favor is your illness and disability.  A judge may not look too favorably to your X in consideration of your condition.  You may be orderd to pay support, but it may likely be the state minimum, as for the gaining of custody...that's a bit harder and probably not likely again due to the status quo....

Relax (I know hard to do), and get this to Soc...I'm sure he'll let you know what you can or can't do!

Take care!

[olanna]

First off, do you really feel that the only reason he put those boys into sports and band was to cut out your time? I get the feeling that you may be misleading yourself, as many young children enjoy these things and they should.

Another thing I think is worth mentioning is the fact that you didn't fight him when he wanted to move the kids so far away. And like it or not, he has done the lion's share of the load in driving to make it easier on you.

I understand you are upset over the time lost in seeing your boys, but that is the way it goes with kinds of things. If you want to see them, there is going to have to be an effort on your part...some kind of compromise.

Try to keep this out of the courts hands and talk to your ex. He sounds as if he has been pretty reasonable in the past.

[J.B.]

Ok, I think there was a misunderstanding on your part. I am on SSI due cerebral palsy and I couldnt even afford a attorney at the time of the divorce. Secondly, when he moved the boys away, I was still in a bad way money wise. I am living off of 452.00 a month. Not much I can do with that kind of income. I completely understand that children get to where they are interested in sports and school activities and I have no problem with them being involved but I simply cant afford the back and forth of 45 miles one way. I wish the situation was different. As far as my ex being understanding, I explained to him that my current husband has liver disease and is on the transplant and he told me that wasnt his problem. When he agreed to bring my youngest son to me on friday nights , that is the first time in nine years that he has done any of the driving, all the rest of the time it has been up to my current husband to do all the driving. With me being unable to drive due to my disability and my current husbands health getting worse each day, it seems like there is no light at the end of this tunnel. As for you saying my ex has been pretty reasonable in the past, thats totally untrue. He has told me children that I am a whore and that I am running from God. I have truely tried to compromise with him. He seems to be so angry still over the divorce, I understand he has the right to stay angry for as long as he wants but to put the children in the middle of all of this is just soooo wrong that he does that.

[J.B.]

Giggles, Wow you have helped me more then you will ever know but I need ypir help more . I dont know what guidelines you are talking bout. I wish there was a way I could get in contact with you through yahoo. I truly appreciate your honesty and sympathy. Thanks for all and I hope to hear back from you soon.
     Take care yourself!

[Giggles]

As for Olanna...she's a straight shooter and many times has made me see the "other" side of things even if it wasn't want I wanted to hear.  Like the rest of us, she's been through alot and is a great wealth of information and support!!

There is a Lawyer in this forum that helps with family legal issues.  When you log in, there is a list of forums that are available and you can find his under "Dear Socreteaser".  He has specific posting guidelines if you are asking him questions, so I advised you to revise your post to fit his guidelines and present it to him.  He should be your biggest help!!

In the custody agreement, did you agree to let the X move?  Typically when the other party moves, they become responsible for the transportation of the children.  When my sons father moved, the court made him 100% responsible for all transportation.  You may be able to get that ordered, due to not only your disability, but the fact that your X moved.

I do have yahoo...and can be reached at:  [email protected]

I am NCP to my oldest daughter so I do understand what it is like and some of what you're going through!

[olanna]

I thought you said your ex was doing the driving...and that is why I believed he was reasonable.  So many details that I don't know about...just remember...kids grow up and this all passes.  No matter what they say about you, children get to a point they filter things..some sooner, some later.

The trick is to keep breathing...

And I hope this all works out for the best of the kids...

[Illinois Paralegal]

Hello, I'm a paralegal out of Illinois. I can only tell you what I see and what I think. Unfortunately, paralegals cannot give legal advice. Any suggestion I make or experience I share or suggestion must be taken with a very gain assault.  Any suggestions I make must go through an attorney for his stamp of approval so here it goes...

From our experience within our household. The judge will order mediation. Transportation problems will be sent to mediation. Does your written agreement say that mediation is required to settle differences? If so going to court directly to try to resolve the issue your spinning your wheels. Next, the reality check I know in the state of Illinois a Custodial parent can be stopped from moving more of a certain distance. However, you had a stipulation. I know you made a mistake and from the sounds of it did not read your agreement throughly. If anyone is reading this and an agreement is made. From experience, tell them  you will have to get with an attorney and come back to court to finalize. Your entitled to legal cousel and time to make decisions in a reasonable amount of time to respond.  Now what are your chances for him to drive the children at least half way? Very good! A judge will most likely take the recommendation of the mediator. Issues like this come up everyday. Chances are a court is not going hinder on the fact you have a disability but instead try to nurture the relationship. If they cut your parenting time they will make it up in extended times with vacations & holiday weekends or summers. The courts main goal is not to disturb the pattern of your children. Now, far as your current husband is concerned with  his liver disease. Are your children attached to him (being close??) If so, what are his chances of getting a liver transplant and how close the bond between your children and him?

[J.B.]

I want to first thank you for your help. When me and my ex divorved we just agreed to share custody and tsince we only lived 10 miles apart and the bus brought the boys here after school during my time, I didnt have a problem with the transportation thing. It wasnt til after I got home and it was read to me that he only had to live in this county for one year., I really didnt believe he would ever move because we had talked throughout our whole marriage that he wanted the boys to graduate from the same school he did and I trusted that he would still keep his word(stupid me... I know) When the one year was up he sent me a certified letter saying that he was moving 45 miles away.
   Then all the driving was up to my current husband(since I am unabled to drive). I didnt think I could try to get it modified because somewhere in the papers it says this is the visitation for parents residing less than 100 miles apart. So I figured since we are only 45 miles apart(90 miles round trip), the judge would say its stil my responsability, and because I didnt have the money to fight him, I just let things go like they was.It wasnt til after my currect husbands health conditions started getting worse is when I started ask my ex for help with the driving, but he refused.
   Well he decided to do the modifing because my oldest son is in the 9th grade and in the marching band and I told my ex I couldnt afford to drive the 90 miles round trip then wait til after the game on friday nights just to do another 90 mile round trip to go pick him up.I am not refusing him the right to march , I just cant afford the gas n back n forth. Then my middle son(age 12) is in football and has a game every saturday so he misses that game every other saturday.
   The sharig the driving is a big issue for me but the biggest issue is the sports and band thing. He is wanting me weekends taken from me because of this.No mediation has ever been ordered. I dont even know what that is. I am on SSI and live in the state of texas so my checks cant be garished. If mediation is ordered then it will be up to my ex to pay for it. I cant even pay my bills living on 452.00 a month.
   As far as my current husband being close to the boys, he is closer to the 2 youngest ones. The oldest one tends to believe and follow everything that my ex says or does. Any help is greatly appreicated.