Is there any hope for me?

[olanna]

You know, it's been said to me that either a mother gives up custody or she gets caught robbing a bank with a needle hanging out of her arm to lose custody...dramatic, but I can almost see where that is kind of true.

Certainly in some cases, their is an unfair balance with money, courts, or what have you... I am living proof.  I never had a child abuser, or any of the above going on in my life.

So, it's kind of strange to me that you would hold the relationship above the children.  I hate to tell you this but whether he did it or not, he's being accused of it.  And maybe, just maybe, HE needs to move out and you need to spend a little time alone, sorting this out.  It's hard to see things clearly when you in are all up in the mix, and what you need to do is clear the air, and gain perspective.  I truly feel if he loves you like you say, he will be completely understanding.  If not, oh well.  Do you know how many men are out there???

I spent time alone after my second divorce and custody battle. I will tell you it was the best thing for personal growth I could have ever done for myself.  I became stronger, went through some really rough times, and it all worked out in my favor.  It can for you too, if you just go into it with a good state of mind.

So take a break from the relationship.  Get into some therapy, and let those children know you want them back in your life and you believe how important their safety is and trust them.

I know this might not be the response you wanted but with all the information you provided, I felt the need to say this.

I hope you think about I said.

[backwardsbike]

I will write in short papragraphs so that you can understand this, Sexual Assualt Counsleor.  I sincerely hope that you do not work directly with people.  You are very quick to judge and are not at all willing to consider that this might just not be sexual assualt.  In this country we are innocent until proven guilty- not the ohter way around.  I did not see in this mother's letter that she had more concern for her BF than for her DD.  What I see is a woman who is trying to make sense of an  accusation that was not made until AFTER her DD returned home at the end of the summer.


Maybe the primary concern here IS alienation and NOT sexual assualt. No, it doesn't look good that he failed the polygraph, but a lot of people fail polygraphs who a innocent.  If you are guilty you supposedly cannot pass one- but the opposite is not true if one is innocent.  Being nervous will cause a person to fail a polygraph- that's why they are inadmissable in court.

For the mother-  I was the vicitm of false allegations as well.  My Dh was the target as well.  It stinks and makes it just about impossible to have any sort of cohesive family unit with your NC kids.  I fought every imagainable lie for nine years until I finally gave up.  The court didnot care thatmy DH and I have two children who live with us full time and attend all school and docotr appointments.  No other person seems to think thereis any reason for concern except my X.

Twice we have been investigated by CYS and both times the reports were unfounded.  My yunger children, who are custodial are healthy, happy and well adjusted.  N obody has ever suggested that my DH ever made any threats against justt he older kids, so how can tow kids be doing so well adn two lolder kids be terrified out of thier minds?

My oldest child even admitted to me that he had lied tot he judge adn would do so again if his dad told him to do so.  My older DD stole medical and fincnaial records form my home to give to her dad because he wanted more $$$ in CS and thoughthe could take it rom my 81 year old father whose financial records are kept in my home.

People like the sexual assualt counsleor who posted are exactly the reason I lost custody in the first place.  I sincerely hope these people who are supposed to be "professionals" will wake up and smell the coffee adn realize that when they make unproven claims they are hurting innocent children by depriving them of a good and loving parent.  And not only is the NC child being hurt- the custodial child is j=injured by having his family disrupted as well.

To the NCM- I wish you God speed in gettng thru this mess.  Good luck to your BF- I hope he's got a great lawyer becasue it sounds like he's gonna need it.

[lizmiller78]

Thank you so much for understanding me.  While everyone seems to just kick me down, you picked me back up and dusted me off.  

[olanna]

Um, just because the answers aren't what you want to hear, doesn't mean we are kicking you down.

I gave you good sound advice, that I followed myself.  Truth is, you don't need a man to make you whole.  And the advice I gave to you was to take care of yourself, do some soul searching and get to the bottom of why your children need to live somewhere else instead of with you.

Ever hear of the law of attraction?  Take some time and check it out.

[backwardsbike]

Anytime sister, anytime.  Glad to do it.

[backwardsbike]

Have you ever thought perhaps the reason her kids need to live somewhere else is that her X is a miserable soul who can't allow her to have any happiness in her life.  After all, two of my children "have to live somewhere else" and two don't.  What law would you use to explain that dichotomy?

How quick we are to judge another.  I didn't read anywhere that she needs a man to make her whole but I did read that this si the third relationship that has been messed with. let's look at that pattern a moment.

Sometimes you just get very tired of being controlled. I did.  My Xhad no difficulty wiht my Dh until he found out that there was a possiblity that he would have to pay child support AND my faterh who had been backing my X woke up and smelled the coffee and pulled out of the mess.  Once X realized his chance at snatching my dad's money was gone my Dh became a child abuser, a molester, a lunatic and whatever else one could be called of a degratory nature.

Where were X's concerns when the kids were there the whole summer?  He has claimed these allegations before.  Did he suddently think that mom had magically improved her choices in men. Heck no- he didn't care until he knew there was a new man on the block.  She went thru two other investigations and both times the charges "magically disappeared".  If I thought my X had alowed somebody to hurt my child there's no way in hell that the charges would "magically disappear" because I would be taking my spouse for supervised visists if I thought his judgement was so poor that he'd allow a perp around my children.  This father did no such thing- and it happened twice!

Sometimes a cigar just ain't a cigar. This doesn't add up at all. Nobody walks a mile in her moccassins so nobody has a right to judge her.  It sounds to me like she came here looking for support- and I don't see any.

[olanna]

he is really good at what he is doing, so either way, as I suggested, she should consider some down time that doesn't include a man in her life.

It's good and sound advice.

She wants her kids back in her life.  If it meant not having a relationship until they are grown, who cares?  They are only going to be young once and certainly, if she took the time to think about what I am saying, she would see the plan could work.

Sure worked for me.  No judgements...but when I see that someone had their son move out to stay in a relationship, well, I calls um like I sees um.

[catherine]

and she wants to believe it's because the questions were disgusting.  Why are you defending that?

[lizmiller78]

First off...understand the situation...

We moved out of our house because we were SUPPOSED to deploy.  He had no place to stay...EVERYONE WAS GONE!  My family was nice enough to let us stay.  HE HAS NOWHERE TO GO.  All our stuff was in storage...packed away because, again, we were going on a deployment.  He DID move out for a month...but then all our money drained out...so we told CPS that in order to get us out of financial stress, we were sending my son to my brother's house.  They were fine with this.  Also understand that they ordered him out of the house WITHOUT follow-ups like they planned on doing (home visits, interviews, etc)  

Our Commander found out at CID that they have NO DOCUMENTATION of the polygraph whatsoever and through further investigation, the examiner confessed that results were altered due to his own biased opinion of the allegations and he was relieved of his duty.  The DA knows this...so now the only evidence they have is "he said/she said."

I DID go to court today because my ex filed a temp restraining order and a modification for child custody...all because of a letter my atty told me to write him.   In it I stated that I was requesting visitation for mother's day weekend and that visitation would occur at my mother's house (since we moved out of that house about 4 months ago) and that my fiancee would not be allowed on the property AT ALL.  But because of that letter, the judge saw no threat in my request and granted me my visitational rights.  They are supervised by my daughter's babysitter, of course, until my BF's case is over.  The final hearing will be after that.

I had my day in court today...and I got to see my daughter.  For the first time, my heart was healed in an instant when I walked across the parking lot as she came running to me telling me that she missed me.  She didn't want me to go!  And I'm not making any of this up because I have the whole 2 hours digitally recorded (perfectly legal in Texas as long as 1 person in the conversation knows about it...namely me).  My mother was also witness as was the babysitter's teenaged daughter.   She even asked me if my BF was mad at her in which I told her that NO ONE is mad at her and that we all loved her very much and hope to see more of her.  SHE WANTED TO GO HOME WITH ME.

So...does anyone have an explanation for this?  Or can no one be happy that my daughter was happy to see me, even after all this?  Because if not...it's perfectly ok because there are many other people that I know who are glad that I got the chance to see my daughter.

To those questioning the polygraph...statistics show that you have to LIE in order to PASS a polygraph and that not all people are meant for tests like these.  Look it up.  Any type of emotional change causes physiological changes in the body will register as a deception...so take a polygraph totally unprepared for the questions, have your lawyer show up late, have an examiner who tells you over and over again how much he "hates liars" and try answering questions you could NEVER imagine yourself doing to a child.  I can GUARANTEE you will not pass.

This is not about my BF...no...it's about my daughter.  We have made EVERYTHING about my daughter...my BF's daughter...our son.

So say what you will...

[olanna]

Have you noticed that the ones that make it the farest in that show are the ones that take that criticism with a smile?  They really listen to what is being said....focus completely on the things being told them to make them the best and they go and practice it.

The ones that get defensive and angry simply don't make it, because they don't take that information and apply it to where it is going to work best for them.

Now, I don't know you or your bf.  I don't know any of your past bf's or your ex.  I only know what you are sharing with us here, and MY OWN EXPERIENCE in being a Mom that lost custody of her son.  All those things that were said about me in court were about 99% untrue.  The only true thing they made clear was that I was highly paid professional with a good education.

So I lost custody.  And soon lost my job.  But none of that stopped me from proving to them (and yes, taking all those things they said, without ever raising an eyebrow), how wrong they were.  I wrote letters to my son, left messages on the phone and even had people here from SPARC stop off to check on him (at a distance) while he played with friends in his yard. You see, we were 3500 miles apart.  The custody battle put the final weight on my already failing marriage, so that ended. NO problem. I took advantage of that sitch and put complete focus on staying in touch with my son, living my life to prove they were wrong and working as much as I could.

If everything were really about your kids, let me ask you this....Why didn't your bf go and stay with your brother, so your son could stay with you?  Your first and foremost commitment to anything in this world is to the children you gave birth to, am I right?  I troubles me that you can't see can't seem to see the problem with that.

As far as your bf's guilt or innocence, I will say this; once a man is accused of something this horrific, it's very hard for him to shake that.  Now, I don't whether or not lie detectors mean a thing.  But it doesn't matter and I really hope you will get this.....Your bf, your career, the courts mean NOTHING.  Your children you are mom to are the focus here.  So make them the focus. And if you are attempting to do this, take this advice from a Mom that struggled harder than you can even begin to imagine to maintain a relationship with her son.  I am not passing judgement, I am telling you what WILL work for you.