PAS - 15 year old, after four years

[alanab]

To make a long story short (or as short as possible)...

Divorced almost 13 years ago - my son was almost 3.  Messy divorce, took two years - I got sole custody.  X did not visit much in the first couple of years - his parents came for my son - until my son (3) told me "grandma says my mommy doesn't love me".  I then went back to court and had the order changed so that if he was not seeing his father, he was not going on visits - his parents were using his access as if it were theirs.

Life went on and X did after a couple of years start picking up my son regularly himself, every other weekend (he lives 4 hours away).  When my son was 11, I had RCMP and Social Services at my door requesting to speak to my son alone.  X was alleging "abuse".  They reported that all was fine.  X did not take that for an answer and hounded the RCMP daily until someone would listen.  He finally found a young, new gullible officer that was going to HELP.

I sent my son for his weekend visit, gave him a hug and a kiss.  I went away overnight, and came home the next day to find a paper in my door from Social Services that my son was in their custody.

He was taken to his dad's, but legally I found out that his father (who lives in a different province) was not allowed to take him out of the province if he was in the custody of Social Services in this province, so he was told he had to bring him back.  CONVENIENTLY, X's mother is a FOSTER PARENT living in this province, so my son got placed with HER (the grandma that says his mom doesn't love him).

Long story short, he took my son that night to the RCMP and told him to tell them that I BEAT him regularly (my son even told the officer that "on the way here my dad told me to say.....", but the officer LET IT SLIDE!!!!  He asked my son "did he tell you what to say?", and my son immediately said "oh - no".

Hence, charged with assault, after four months, no contact with my son, no phone calls, no visits, NOTHING, $12,000 later in legal fees, I was acquitted.   Social Services still would not let me have so much as a visit even then!!!  They agreed that they were caught in the middle of a custody battle, but didn't know what to do about it.

My son was telling them that he was scared of me and didn't want to see me - each interview (only two in six months) with the SS people - were conducted IN FRONT OF GRANDMA AND DAD.

We settled on joint custody, he lives with his dad, i get access every other weekend, every other X-mas, holidays, etc.  OR DO I?

So in the first two years, I saw my son twice - each time I went to pick him up no one was there.  I finally gave up.  I saw him once for a few minutes in front of his house, and that was over two years ago - I have not seen him since.  He has not phoned me once in four years, until about a month ago when he called to thank me for a gift I sent.  I believe he has not recieved money or gifts I have sent all this time.  He is now 15, and I believe he is spending more time at home alone and actually checking the mail box himself.  I have since sent him a cell phone - he said he told his dad about it and it was fine, but it is always shut off - he checks his txt messages once every few days and calls me back when there is no one there.  This tells me he hasn't told his dad about the phone and keeps it shut off so that it wont ring and they will find out about it.

I can't see any point in going back to court now, as at 15, they have the right to decide where they want to live, and with the brainwashing that has gone on for him and the pressure he has been under to hate his mother since the age of 3 (and even more for the last 4 years), he would never say he wanted to come back to me, I'm sure.  

My heart breaks every day for the loss of the son that I was so close to for 11 years, and the hurt that he caused me, although I have to try very hard not to blame him for what he did - he was only doing what he was told to do.  I have never had a chance to even talk to him about what happened or his feelings for me (or his younger sister that is still with me).

I am at the end of my rope and tired of crying each time I even think of my own son.  Nothing can bring back my boy that I lost four years ago, but I still want to know the boy he has become.  WHAT TO DO???  WHERE TO BEGIN???  ANY RESOURCES IN CANADA?

[Ref]

We tried a lot of things with SD. Once BM found out about them, she stopped communication and we switched to something else. At this point SD avoids communication, I guess to not hear about it from BM anymore.

1. Give him your instant messager name. Make up one that doesn't seem that it is obvious it is you. Then keep logged on and see if he wants to chat.

2. Start a myspace page and give him the web address. This way you can put pictures of your family up and other info about your life. You can even make it a general page about your family so that if your ex knows your son was on the page, it will look like he searched for you.

Have you attempted to contact your ex in a while? Maybe you could send him a certified letter stating that you wish to see your son. I would start by stating that you would like to take him out to dinner and then, if that goes well, discuss having the weekend.

Good luck
Ref

[alanab]

I have tried to get him on msn - he says his dad won't allow him to use it "because of viruses" (although when he lived with me, dad had no problem with using it to chat with him from his end).  It's one excuse after another.

He seldom uses internet at home - says it's too slow.  I have given him my e-mail address, my daughter's e-mail address, he says he had one for a while but then couldn't remember the password so didn't bother with it.

I have invited him to come for a visit every single time I have spoken to him - he gives me excuses or says he will call me back and I simply don't hear from him again.  I have never known if he REALLY doesn't want to see me or is just afraid to even consider it because that would be showing some feelings toward the "monster" that his father has taught him that I am for so many years.  Yet, he tells me that he loves me before hanging up on phone calls - how sincere he is, I don't know.

One time I called and he told me about 10 times that I needed to call more often (phone calls are painful, so I try not to put myself through it often), then he called me back and said to leave him alone.  ???  wonder where that came from?

I sent him a cell phone and I send him an occasional text message.  He says he told his dad about the phone (I sent it to his school), but I don't think he did - it's always shut off and he only occasionally checks his messages and calls me back (when no one else is home).  

I refuse to speak to my ex and have not done so since the day my son was "abducted".  I'm most stubborn that way.  I would have to go through a lawyer to speak to him.  But at 15, is it even an option anymore??  I believe he doesn't dare even let on to his father that he has any want to see his mother.  I have considered taking it out of his hands, but I fear that even if I could get police to enforce my court order (which I have had no luck doing in the past), he may say he doesn't want to go so as not to make waves with his father.

This boy has been pressured severely since he was 3 to "come live with your dad", and at 10 the pressure was put on ten-fold.  His father told him he was old enough (at 10) to make his own decision as to where he wanted to live.  At that time I had my lawyer write him a letter stating that he was to stop pressuring this boy and making him feel guilty for living with his mother, and that we would take legal action if he continued to do so.  This was just weeks before the "abduction".

I don't want to cause him more stress in his life.  Part of me feels that if I just stay away his life will be less stressful and much easier for him (but not for me - very, very heartbreaking each and every day).  

Will RCMP enforce a court order at this point?  Is it too late?  

[Ref]

Sd's BM did the same thing. When we bought her an ipod, Bm said she couldn't download music because it blows up her computer. When we bought her a cellphone BM replaced it right away and refused to give DH the number. Sd used to im me a couple of times a week and oftentimes we would im for over an hour. BM once asked who she was talking to and SD lied and said it was DH, BM called our home and I told her that DH was out of town on business. BM accused me of lying cause SD told her she was iming him (why he couldn't have been doing both, I don't know). She confronted SD and SD admitted that she was confused from the cough syrup that she just took and she meant to say it was me. After that, no more ims.

Anyway, I think it will be a tough one for you. You have let things go pretty long. I am not judging you. Sometimes your heart can handle just so much from your ex and then when your child plays along... it can be very hard to heal.

You being stubborn is not going to make things any easier, but I understand that too. What I would do in your place is to get your lawyer to send BF a letter stating that you would like to have dinner with your son. Make it a time that is already in your parenting agreement. Then wait for a response for your next move. If he denies it, request another time and offer different dates and ask him when would be best. If he says never, then you will have a case to go back to court. You can even offer to meet him with a counselor, to try to reconcile.

If you go back to court, the judge might make you ease back into seeing your son. I think this might be a good thing seeing as that he needs to adjust.

I would try like hell to avoid court though. It took DH 16 months to get through a simple change in visitation. Your son may be 17 by the time you get anything heard. BM used that to completely poison SD against him. She was being "victimized" by evil litigious DH.... Offer to go to counceling or mediation, if it gets to that point.


Good Luck,

Ref

[olanna]

mine came back...it's been anything but easy. So watch what you wish for...and the sooner you can get him in your life, the better.  Mine was 15 when he came back and we are all having a rough go of it.

[alanab]

I know it wouldn't be easy - AT ALL - and I have tried not to push things anymore - the last thing either of us needs is more COURT battles.  They completely and totally DRAIN me, emotionally.  It's just more than I think I can handle and I don't think that he needs any more of that kind of pressure either.  He has been through the mill enough and I think that going to court may just make him resent me more.  I've tried to let things go because it's just too painful to keep trying when I get no response on the other end, even though I do believe that he simply CAN'T.  He's getting too old to be fighting over and he is going to have to make up his own mind eventually.  Is it wrong for me to simply keep the door open by simple contact and invitations, but to not force the issue?  I feel so guilty that I should try harder, but I don't know how much more I could take (if any).  At some point you have to decide to live your own life - letting the situation control your every thought and every move and every emotion seems so self-destructive and doesn't seem to get you anywhere either.

Opinions?

[alanab]

Also, have was your child so brainwashed against you as mine has been?  Were there the accusations of what a monster you were?  What made him/her want to come back?  Were there any signs that he/she was reaching out to you?  Do they eventually resent the other parent for cutting you out of their life?  

I guess I am hoping that someday he will see the truth about what has happened to him and how he has been emotionally manipulated, and see his mother for the loving mother that she is.  Is that possible, or is this something that he is going to hold with him for a lifetime?

[olanna]

****Also, have was your child so brainwashed against you as mine has been? Were there the accusations of what a monster you were? What made him/her want to come back? Were there any signs that he/she was reaching out to you? Do they eventually resent the other parent for cutting you out of their life?****

Let's see...a chart on the wall showing the arrears I owed and what a deadbeat I was...(I was a victim of the dot.com fall..and when it did, I couldn't get CS reduced...well, I wasn't make less money...I wasn't making ANY money..and that won't do it)>>>

He was told I was a drug addict, a whore, I slept with over 100 men and had numerous abortions...I was homeless, etc....

*****I guess I am hoping that someday he will see the truth about what has happened to him and how he has been emotionally manipulated, and see his mother for the loving mother that she is. Is that possible, or is this something that he is going to hold with him for a lifetime?****

My son called one day and said, Mom I don't want to stay here another minute. I want to come and live with you.

I bought a ticket, got the CS stopped, as he no longer was out there..and that was the end of that story...sort of.

EX still chases me for arrears, even though he has NEVER paid CS when he should have.

[alanab]

Just as simple as that?  Did he tell you what made him decide that he didn't want to "stay there another minute"??  What happened?  Did he ever talk to you about KNOWING what had gone on, or understanding it?

[olanna]

Pretty simple. His step mom was a general beeotch and the only reason she funded the fight to help my ex get custody was because she wanted to get back at me for naming her in the divorce..(you know...she's catholic and hence, was reprimanded by the church)...she never quite got over that.  Funny, it wasn't the fact that she was sorry for what she did...she was sorry she got caught. She never imagined the challenge she would face with my son.

Anyway, he knows everything that went on.  But you know what he liked best about being away from them???  I NEVER talked about his Dad in front of him.  There was this peace he got in my home...no badgering, no bad mouthing...matter of fact, I rarely, if ever brought him up.

And when I flew everyone out there for a visit...his father didn't even want him to come over.  Gladly accepted the two older children..but not him.  Guess he didn't take too well to the trophy jumping off the shelf and running back to real life state.

Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter.  He's here, he knows I love him and I always have.  Nothing else matters...and all that stuff from the past is being dealt with, mostly in behavior problems with school, lack of motivation, picking crappy gf's...so it's a slow onion to peel.  

If your son does come back to you, it will be because you made sure to stay in his mind. I can't stress that enough.  Send him cards and let him know you miss him..pictures of you and your family...leave messages on the phone, text him, send him little gifts of things he is interested in...ask him about his life. People love to talk about themselves...ask him about his interests..hell, make notes from one phone call to the next and be sure to follow up on his latest gf, hobby or interest.  That is way YOU stay in his mind...by asking him about himself. DON'T guilt him..."how come you never call? How come you never write?" or by telling him about how sad you are...Just let him know you love him so much and you really miss him. And you look forward to the day when you can hang out with him.