mother kills teens then self

[Stepmom0418]

There are a few DV shelters in my city and surrounding that do have a place for men and their children. But heres the catch 22........the shelters are "womens" shelters and DO NOT advertise that they accept men. And they are nasty filthy dirty and roach infested!

[bigsigh2004]

**And they are nasty filthy dirty and roach infested!**

This comment bothers me. I am highly active in DV shelter arena, for both men & women. It is equally deserved. You seem to be under the impression that there are shelters out there that are NOT dirty & bug infested. Name one. As if there is some "private club" for women of DV to go that men aren't allowed in where they sleep on Serta matresses and get 3 square meals plus a snack a day. Where they can live indefinately with 100% protection without any cost to them. These places don't exist....for either sex.

In some cities, pets that are victims of cruelty get better living accomodations AND free medical care.

Shelters run on donations mainly. They are in the basements of churches or other such low income buildings. They are in the seediest parts of town because even the middle class shun the idea of a shelter being near them. "not in our town!" mentality.
You are lucky ANY shelter for ANYONE male or female gets "advertising". That costs money you know. I find it rather offensive that you shun a shelter purely for its lack of advertising. Are you aware that most of the time these ads you see are donated, and written, by the one who donated it?

You are also clueless to the number of people that get turned away daily, sent to homeless shelters or low income motels instead of being able to have access to the few counselors and occasional pro bono legal reps that show up to volunteer that set DV shelters apart from "homeless" ones.

Sometimes it isn't a matter of "not" accepting men, it's a matter of room or funding. Did you bother to ask? If a DV shelter consists of one huge room with cots & blankets & a single bathroom, do you really think it is wise to combine both men and women there?

Before you start trashing the DV help system, I suggest you get involved and see the reality of it. There aren't many "exclusive" men's DV shelters because there aren't people donating to get them. You can't blame women for that.

This all coming from a man...

[Stepmom0418]

OK now you have to read all the posts that I have posted about DV shelters.

I was speaking about one shelter that I have seen! NOT ALL OF THEM! I was not trashing all DV shelters at all! I have stayed in a DV shelter. It is what I needed at that moment.

Haven't you seen the comercials or the posters around that have the woman all beat up with black eyes?? Then they ask if you are this woman or you  know  this woman and it tells you to call the number. That is the advertisment that I was speaking of. Not that its not a good idea but why isnt there ever a man on those poster or on those comercials?

That is all I was saying. Sorry that you took what I said so defensivly Bigsigh.

[MYSONSDAD]

Check below the post for one named to "MYSONSDAD et all...."
Posted Dec 21, 2004.

Now, I was addressed about shelters. For some unknown reason, this was posted to me. Now, I went and checked out the information that was posted to me and found very few States that even have shelters for men. I beleive I found 22. Most of those had only one shelter per State.

Now what does that say? There are no shelters to speak of, for men.

I also reseached the one bigsigh sent my way. One shelter, not open as of yet. But they have a hotline. My big problem with all of this is the donations that go to so many shelters are thru the communities and work places. Some have stores set up and all profits go to the shelter they sponsor. Every year they reach out for help. What about the help for men? How many men stand to lose everything they have worked for and with paying CS, can not support themselves. They either have to move in with someone, take in a roommate, or live in the car.

And you are correct, Stepmom, they are targeted toward helping women. Only women can be abused.

There are more shelters for gays and lesbians then there are for men.

Oh, I know the onslaught coming for this post, but if some would check, they would see there is very little out there...

[bigsigh2004]

Yes they have a hotline, that will help you find SOMEWHERE to go in any of the states. I hate to tell you this guys, but even abused women have to do leg work to get help from a DV shelter, some pretty much demand a police report & promise to prosecute to even be allowed in the door.  

**Now what does that say? There are no shelters to speak of, for men.**

Who are you blaming for that, exactly? Why would abused women give money once they are back on their feet to an abused MEN'S shelter? Do you not comprehend that most of the funding for these places, or legwork when it comes to GETTING funding comes from those who are giving back for the help they, or a loved one, received?

A HUGE problem in the funding aspect of men's shelters, is the refusal of men who are abused to admit it publicly. My brother being one of them. For every one man who stands up and says he's abused by a woman there are 15 or more who refuse to on the basis of male pride. That's a lot of word of mouth & activism going by the wayside.

**My big problem with all of this is the donations that go to so many shelters are thru the communities and work places. Some have stores set up and all profits go to the shelter they sponsor. Every year they reach out for help. What about the help for men?**

Why aren't you out there soliciting the corporate offices of the stores in your area on the behalf of a men's shelter instead of just complaining about it? Or the company you work for? Or are you expecting someone else to do it.

I put 7% of my company's yearly profits into helping those 22+ men's shelters across the United States...what do you contribute?

[MYSONSDAD]

Not too long ago, you posted about shelters. I did the research and found squat.

Since then, I have taken the time to investigate. Only 10% of these women are actually abused, scared for their lives. Many times they use the shelters to give them an upper hand in the Family Court system, very much like false RO's and OOP's are used. For the 10%, my heart goes out to them.

Now, on the other hand. 10% of fathers abuse the system. They do not pay support or they have little contact with their kids. By their choice. And they brand the rest of us as "Dead Beat Dads"

So, where is the fairness of any of this?

Just another thought I had...

"Children learn what they live"

[MYSONSDAD]

I do not agree. A woman I worked with about 5 years ago, was going thru a bad divorce. It took one call to a shelter, they met her after work at the front door and escorted her to her car and then she followed them to the shelter. Curb service? No Police report, no nothing. Not a mark on her. They took her at her word, that's it.

Right now I have enough on my plate. I contribute where it will do the most good for the Fathers movements.

Most of the shelters in my area get funding thru work place donations or non profit thrift shops. United Way is one of the bigger contributors. Call them and ask how much they donate for the shelters. Ask them what they have for men.

I used to contribute every year, until I walked into the bias.

"Children learn what they live"

[bigsigh2004]

MSD

Exacty how did you "investigate" it and come up with 10% are "actually" abused?

Did you pour through every single person's file who has ever gone to a DV shelter looked up their case and then tallyed the numbers based on outcome? Or did you strictly use the web and find a few articles that said what you wanted them to?

**Many times they use the shelters to give them an upper hand in the Family Court system**

Incredibly broad assumption based on the opinions you have heard from others, bitter from a fight I'm sure, and not from what your own reseach into the reality of DV has proven.

**Now, on the other hand. 10% of fathers abuse the system. They do not pay support or they have little contact with their kids. By their choice. And they brand the rest of us as "Dead Beat Dads" **

All you are doing is pulling a percentage number out of the air to link the two and I refuse to participate in that. Family Court/Deadbeat parents etc have nothing to do with the state of the DV system.

If your cause is a fight against the fairness of the CS system or Family Law so be it, more power to you, but don't drag or put down the other noble causes people other than you are fighting for in the process by linking them in such a haphazard manner.

I doubt you put 10% of the effort into looking at the reality of the DV system as you have family law & CS.

[MYSONSDAD]

I have my ways...

Think what you want.

And I am glad to see someone so willing to work with DV shelters...

I personally can't afford the time at the moment.



"Children learn what they live"

[bigsigh2004]

I happen to know all about united way and it's charity towards shelters.

It isn't about BIAS, it's about reported NEED.

Due to the fact that generally men do not stand up and claim their abuse the statistics that large companies see in order to make a decison on where the money goes is largely swayed.

That isn't United Way's fault, or any other large company who contributes money for that matter.

**Right now I have enough on my plate. I contribute where it will do the most good for the Fathers movements.**

And you wonder why there aren't more men's shelters with an attitude like that?

DV shelters got their start in the first place by both men and women who were abused, or loved ones of abuse victims, who decided to do something about it for others. It wasn't the brainchild of some big corporation. It was a grassroots effort.

Just like you make the choice to place your time reseach and money into the cause you feel is the most bang for your buck, so do these companies.

It's up to the abused to change that, or those that are standing up in their place. Don't complain about "fairness" if you ain't gonna stand up.