Torn - but I think we have decided it just isn't worth it.....

[cathy]

My husband has custody of his 2 girls, 15 and 17, and has for over 3 1/2 years.  Short story - stepfather was molesting them, mother didn't believe it - - and still doesn't.  She is still married to him and the girls refuse to see or even talk with their mother.

For the first year, we didn't file for child support.  Then PBFH filed motions to find my husband in contempt for not forcing visitation, and the funniest one - motion to compel all parties to undergo mental health evaluations!  We told her to drop the suits, or we would file for child support.

So we did.  She tried her best to get out of paying.  Tried to claim the 19 yr old son was incapable of functioning as an adult and she should be given credit for having "custody" of him.  That didn't fly - - - and she was ordered to pay $340/month.

She now has thyroid cancer and claims she is unable to work full-time.  She went back to court this past March to have child support lowered.  This was enforcement court I guess - and what a joke!  She has a single letter from her doctor saying that she needed to cut back on her hours.  No mention of how much, how long - we didn't even get a copy of the letter.  The judge made up some number of hours and calculated support based on this imaginary number.  Of course, her income for part-time was in the poverty level and her child support was set to $66/month! - for 2 teenage girls!  

The judge did set a date to review - and that date is this Friday.  We subpoenaed her income info (paystubs, tax return, etc), medical records/info on ability to work, her husband's income to be able to calculate her credit for their child, etc etc.  Of course, she file a motion to quash.

We are just sick of it.  Part of us wants to make her pay.  She took child support from my husband for years - and failed to provide or protect the kids.  She KNEW and did nothing!  And now we are finding out bits and pieces of the emotional abuse the girls endured from her.  The only way we have to make her pay is finanacially.

But - we are sick of even having to deal with her at all, or having to go to court, to face the possibility that she may think she has "won" by using her illness as an excuse.  (Thyroid cancer typically is just not that big of a deal.  She has always been lazy and never wanted to work.  I doubt it is as much a case of her being unable to work as unwilling and is using this as an excuse).

So - - we have pretty much decided that we will go to court Friday and waive child support.  I don't know that we are willing to forgive arrears (currently around $2200).  

Anyway - just felt like getting this all out -- - cause while the decision is pretty much made, part of me still wants some amount of revenge.

[ocean]

see what she says.....I would have it written that IF/when she is able to claim disability that she puts the girls down so you can get it directly from SSD. If the constant court dates and dealing with her outweighs the child support then go for it and be done with it.
Good luck!

[cathy]

That is the one provision we had discussed - that she be required to list the girls if she goes on disability and notify us.  Hell, I wouldn't put it past her to list them and collect the money herself.

[mistoffolees]

My situation was somewhat similar so maybe I can offer some guidance.

My wife had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Her ex was earning well over $100 K at the time and is now well over $200 K as a senior exec at a major car company. He was paying $300 per month for each kid (about 1/2 to 1/4 the guidelines). We talked about asking for an increase due to the change in circumstances.

Eventually, we let it go. I'm making a decent income and the money wasn't completely necessary. In the end, we had the girls and he saw them a few times a year. That was worth the cost of stirring up a can of worms which would have simply caused hard feelings - and the kids would have been in the middle. In my case, the kids were 6 and 7, but in your case, they're only a few years from 18, anyway (in fact, the older one will probably be 18 by the time you got it settled, anyway).

My advice would be to let it go unless you really have to have the money.

[cathy]

Thank you.  I think that is good advice, and I think my husband and I have decided just that - - finally!

This was never about the money.  My husband and I are very luck to have good jobs and we definitely do not need this child support.  I have always been honest about that - it was was more a matter of revenge and was considered reparation more than anything else.  

But there is no reparation for what she did, and what she allowed to happen, to those girls.  She is lowering than scum, she is still married to and living with the man that molestered these girls.  I have no sympathy for her at all. She deserves every minute of misery and agony.

But the girls are with us.  They are safe, they are happy, they are loved and cared for, and they are thriving.  It is time to be happy and celebrate that - - -and leave the trash out by the curb.

[mistoffolees]

Sounds like you've got your priorities right.

The standard remark is 'keep in mind that she has to live with herself', but in my experience, that's meaningless. Anyone so cold-hearted and hateful as to put themselves ahead of their children won't feel any remorse, so she thinks she put one over on you. Sad, but true.

You just need to keep your mind on what matters - you get to live with kids that you love and who love you in return. Your best bet is to not think of the BM any more than necessary and when you have to, remember who won what is important.

Good luck.

[KAT]

Does she own a house? If so I'd ask the a judgment for the arrears then slap a lien on it. Forget the rest of c/s, it's hardly worth you time or your sanity. Have the hag sign off on seeing the kids when they wish not when she wants. Heck, they already know what she is!
DH could have way lowered his c/s to the ex once the oldest emancipated. But you know, for the hell it would have caused him going to court & seeing her ugly moonpie face (listening to her lies, her lies, her lies!!), he just paid her fully for the next 18 months until it was over. It's been a year now.
You'll breath a sigh of relief once you make a firm decsion on this...but the trama (I swear it's PTSD!!!) lasts alot longer then one thinks. I think someone should write a book on it.
I wish you luck!!!!
KAT

[cathy]

This woman barely has a pot to piss in.  It really is amazing.  Before we found out her husband was molesting the girls, both she and her husband worked -- and she got $1390/month in child support from my husband.  They had the house that she and my husband bought when they were married - but refinanced it for more than it was worth and lost it.  

Right now, they are living is a crappy little apartment, driving 12 year old cars that barely run, and are getting shut off notices from the electric company.

The girls haven't seen her in over 3 years.  They refuse to see her or talk to her - - and there is no way we will force them.  

And yes - as the decision becomes more and more firm, the more and more calm comes over us!  It is stlil annoying that the judge gets away with not following the law - - but it just isn't a fight we can win, or that we should bother trying.

Just let it go - - - sounds like a good mantra............just let it go..............just let it go....................

[cathy]

And yeah, she may think she "won" or pulled something off - - - but who cares?  She is beneath contempt - so why care what she thinks?   I guess it just took a while to sink in!

And when her wicked self creeps into my thoughts -- I'll think of the 15 year old telling me that I am more of a mother to her than Lynn ever was.  I will think of the 17 yr old's beautiful face as she laughs with us, sharing some story about her friends at school.  I'll look at the picture of my gorgeous girls in their gowns on the cruise my parents took them on and see the brilliant smiles on their faces.  

Thanks

[mistoffolees]

Good luck.

And I hope mine ends up as well as yours seems to have. I may be facing losing my daughter entirely, so the question of a few hundred dollars a month is insignificant.