BM pays nothing - do we have aany chance for support?

[knoot7]

OK this is in NY. No child support is exchanged - old order stated 50/50 no child support. Claim SS on taxes is every other year.

SS has lived with us full time for the last two years. Last October and June there has been CPS reports and pending child endangerment cases on BM. Investigations go back three years for BM and alcohol abuse with CPS. We convinced BM to voluntarily (with a little encouragement and facts) to "give up" SS to live with us during the school year so he could get to school. He excessively missed school only on her days while the order was 50/50. BM has no car, lived 45 minute car ride to school, the bus took 1.5 hours one way, so he would miss school. This summer 50/50 did not return as the norm, SS lived with us 100% due to BM's alcohol abuse.

Current order - SS lives with us full time, EOWkend at BMs if she can pick him up and he wants to go. Yes order states SS wants and needs are to be considered and wishes are abided by. BM can't have Ex Hubby there, BM can't drink.

Support was not a ruling in the last court order. Support and visiation/custody are handled by two different orders in NY.

BM has been unemployed by choice for the last two years. She lives off of her on and off again husband and any man she can when she isn't with her husband. She can find money to support her habits - drinking and smoking, but she can not find money for her son.

Last year BM paid a total of $40 to support SS - this was for his year book and his 8th grade graduation gown. NOTHING else was paid, no shared expenses etc. We pay all medical, grooming, clothes, food, and anything els ehe needs.

In September I had asked BM for $20 a week for SS. That she could give $40 every other week when he is there for his lunches and snacks. She said yes. Lied once to say it was sent in the mail and essentially stopped talking to SS and us because she didn't send anything. Calls SS once a week now compared to 5 times a day it use to be. Anyway - she hasn't paid a dime. I know she doesn't have a dime...but this is HER choice not to work! PLUS just because  she doens't have anything why should she get out of supporting her son all together?

Attorney says let it be. I say why does she get off scott free and not support HER son?

Thoughts on obtaining support?

[catherine]

If you were a woman and it was the Dad not paying a cent, would the attorney say the same thing?

Yes, it's hard to get blood from a stone.  Yes, raising CS issues could and most likely will have other consequences...more involvement or a pathetic attempt to get custody back.  

However, it's not OK to have a child and not be financially responsible.

Go for it - use your State child support collection agency and be prepared for them to take a long time.  No sense in paying an attorney for child support because you will only get the money back to pay your lawyer so it's a moot point.

If anything maybe she will get scared and agree to a "settlement" outside of court but you can submit it so it's official.  Go through the State dispersment unit no matter what the conclusion.

BTW, you are talking to someone here with a DH whose ex (BM) owes close to 14,000 in child support and she has gotten off so easy in court it's hilarious.  She's even been found guilty of contempt and nothing...no jail time (yet) just a little slap.  Her arugement is that my DH makes enough so why should she pay anything?



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"In the final analysis, true justice is not a matter of courts and law books, but of a commitment in each of us to liberty and mutual respect." - Jimmy Carter

[knoot7]

Yes! Well our attorney has the popint - we finally have SS in a healthy stable environment and that is all that matters! BUT that costs money!

We have taken the stand that SHE is finally responsible for her transportation - DH used to do all the transportation on top of us being the only ones to feed and provide for SS. Once Diesil went through the roof - I put an end to that!

I thought that asking her to provide it right to SS that she would feel better about it and be more "willing"...like she is supporting her son and not just giving us cash. The kid is 14 and plays football...I no longer have leftovers from dinner!

With the wonderful economy I want her to provide support. If DH didn't have a job - he would still be required to pay! The fact that BMs get to skate without consequences makes me so angry and that is why I want to go for it. Shoot - $25 a month would go directly to SS for his lunches!

Right now DH and I both have two jobs to ensure we can maintain our life style which we have worked so hard for. BM has none. She hasn't bought clothes for him in 3-5 years and never has paid health insurance on him, never paid for haircuts, special activities etc... we foot the bill for everything.

I guess if we file - if she does get a job we could get that cash. I also beleive in NY if she is collecting from social services or something - that they actually garnish that check and remove child support. I am not sure if this is accurate but that was the interpretation I got from the state details.

Anyone have a clue on getting cash from a deadbeat mom on welfare?

[Kitty C.]

I agree wholeheartedly...........she is a parent, she must pay to support her child.  BUT........it will be extremely difficult to get blood from a turnip.  One other word of caution:  Be prepared for her to go ballistic on you if you file.  It's also possible that she will want to stick to the custody agreement, for better or worse.  Yes, it won't make any difference if CPS is or has been investigating her or what her restrictions for parenting time are........she will no doubt violate them to just have her time and make it more difficult for you.  And regardless of whether it's your SS's choice to go with her or not, she can dump a huge guilt trip on him to make him say he wants to see her.

Like I said, I agree 100%, but there will be ramifications, not just for you and your DH, but for your SS as well.  Not to mention that it's possible the reason why your atty. said to let it go is because they KNOW the court will not actively go after her for the money.  Going to court could be a waste of money that would better be spent on your SS.  I just strongly recommend you go over it all in fine detail before you act on it.

And before anyone thinks I'm being easy on the BM, I'm NOT.  I'm just being realistic.  Personally, if it were me and money was no object (which is redundant), I would definitely go after her, if for no other reason than principle.

[ocean]

File yourself in the courts...reason for change..."custody was recently changed". Then when you get there see what happens. NY if I remember correctly ..them min is $25. Ask for it to go through CSE. It will take a few months to set up but they will do it all. Let the amount go up and up. When and if she gets a job anytime they will take it from her, any taxes will be taken, and eventually they will take her license.

When I went in, they just ran the numbers...in NY they will send her to a place to help look for work and she will need to prove she is sending in resumes and going on job interviews.
Pretty straight forward here...I would take my chances without a lawyer so you do not incur any costs.

What county are you in?

[Giggles]

all you had to do is walk into the CSE office with your court order and a $25 check and they did the rest....I wonder if it's the same up there in NY???

[ocean]

yes, but they do not have a court order with an amount yet so they would have to go to family court, fill out papers...few hours there then you get a date in the mail...usually around 3 weeks later. At court they can ask for CSE and they will do it that day.

[knoot7]

The only order we have in place is SS lives with us during the school year and EOWend is at BMs. Summers he is suppose to be 50/50 but again the order states he can choose. He did not want summers 50/50 BUT the law guardian ignored his wishes and statements. He usually goes once a month to appease his mother. He hates going there , she has no food, no car, no money, no TV, and he has watched all the movies there 100 times. Brooken promises every time. Not exciting to a 14 year old when he doens't have any friends in that area either. She doesn't have a license...she stopped driving back in June 2004 - I am assuming due to drinking. She had a court date in June of 2004 and that is about the time when she stopped driving.

It is the principal of the situation which angers me. I really love my SS and he has flurished and has been so happy living with us full time. I know it is the right thing to do to provide for him. My boys (DH, SS, and DS) all get everything they want as much as possible. We have shown SS the best of both worlds and how good relationships work, good food, good manners, morality, values, etc. I do enjoy providing for him and do it without issue. I guess in a way that is why I am here! BUT my thing is - I didn't give birth to this child, his mother IS still alive, she is capable of working, she isn't dumb, she is just lazy! So why do I have to compensate for her short commings?

Everyone KNOWS if this was the other way around - DH would be raked through the coals!

I know BM would not welcome this support order and court involvement but really it has been years that we have essentially supported SS completely. Sneakers, seasonal clothing, hair, food, medicine, health insurance, emotionally, educationally, etc... it is frustrating that the manipulator gets away scott free. OK not scott free she is slowly loosing her son due to her actions and choices. SS doesn't bellieve her - he sees through the lies now, does not give into the guilt trips... he is more annoyed by them than believing in them. BM even gets lil' sis involved with the guilt trips...which just angers SS. I was trying to avoid court by asking her for the cash to be given to SS. The good thing - SS sees through it, doesn't believe her, and is mature enough to recognize what she has put him through (all his words not ours). Court on the other hand would play right into her woe is me. As they always seem to do!

NY minimum is $25.... but it is SOMETHING - shoot a pack of socks would be nice!

We are in Albany county...which has done nothing for us. Last time- this past summer we suspended all visitation cause CPS told us we were accountable for SS while he is at BMs house. Albany county courts did not believe us about the CPS pending charges and treated us like we were the bad guys for looking out for SS. They have all along. Schenectady County is where BM is and the CPS reports and trials have been. Schenectady last said they may change it to their county courts. We actually welcome that change after the last 7 years of getting no where in Albany County. When all we want to do is provide the stability every child thrives on!

The attorney costs would be minimum so that really isn't a factor. I have several lawyers in my family who all love SS as if he was blood. An advantage to us but it can be a disadvantagae cause they are more willing to let things slide cause we have him and truly in the grand scheme is what is most important...he is stable, healthy and happy.

We have always tried to work with BM and when she refuses is when we take it to court. She was the original one to take us to court cause DH and I were getting married and SS didn't like me much back then (I instituted rules). When SS was moving from Private school to public - we were more than willing to review both school districts hers and ours, compare them, go on tours and really have SS actively involved in the decision on what high school to go to. To the point we even offered to pick up BM to go to our school district tour and speak with the teachers.... she refused! Said she didn't have the time.... she doesn't have a job! We have tried to involve her and encourage SS to be diplomatic in decsions.

I guess I am angry at the pricipal and really wanted her to step up just a little to support her son. I am not sure if cocurt is worth missing work... my hearts says who cares I love hiim and he is safe away from violence and alcohol, my brain says WTF! Why do I have to over compensate... he technically isn't "mine". :)

Thans for your advice and thoughts! Any additional thoughts are welcomed!

[Kitty C.]

'.........I didn't give birth to this child, his mother IS still alive, she is capable of working, she isn't dumb, she is just lazy! So why do I have to compensate for her short commings?'

Because you're being the mother to him since she can't or won't.

I understand completely where you're coming from.   You can certainly ask her for $25 a month, but you'll get the same sob story she gives to the court.  It's highly unlikely that she would cough up the money under court order, so the probability of her doing it of her own free will is virtually nil.

And you're also right that she is losing her son little by little every day.  My SS's BM is nothing like this, but has done enough damage in the past that I firmly believe when SS and his half brother come of age, they will hit the door, tell her to kiss their a$$, and walk away.  She will live out the rest of her life a miserable, lonely woman.  But I have no sympathy for her, since she created it all by herself.  It's called KARMA.  And it's happening with your SS's BM, too.  She dished it out and it's coming back to her in spades.

It sounds like you've been and will continue to be a wonderful influence and that's more important than anything else.  Since SS is totally aware of what's going on, it's also possible that he may feel the rejection from
her.  Continue to love him and assure him that he's important to you.  Just keep doing what you're doing..........which is something no amount of money can buy!