Anyone out there?

[meet virginia]

Is there anyone else in Virginia going through the same hell my family is?  I'd love to chat with anyone else about the lack of father's rights in the commonwealth.  My husband and I have just been through round one of the campaign to have equal rights to his son.  He was never married to the mother, she was seeing someone else while living with him, and she took off right after discovering she was pregnant.  Now she is raising his son with another guy playing daddy (one she can control) and NO ONE CARES!!!  We were told we were lucky to get the agreement we did, and my husband only has his son an average of nine hours a week!  I'd love to share experiences with anyone else living through this.

[dadinva2006]

Hello, I am currently going through a custody battle with my ex (never married). I am in Fairfax county, what county are you in? I am trying to get my daughter out of the bad environment she is in and things have not gone my way so far. I was finally able to get a temporary visitation order for every other weekend after my ex did not let me see my daughter for two months. I have been my daughter's primary parent since birth, her mother was always worrying about partying instead. I recently got married and had another child and I think that is what set her off.

[meet virginia]

OMG Thank God someone replied!  We live in Frederick County.  Not too far from you at all.  Sounds like you really got screwed in court.  Did you have any evidence or testimony to prove you were the primary caregiver during the relationship?  Also, if your wife is still partying hard, you can use that against her.  Like if she leaves your daughter with someone else to go out all the time, or if she is engaging in really reckless behavior, like passing out drunk or using drugs.  A private investigator can be your best friend.  But make sure you get recommendations.  We really got screwed by a PI out here in Winchester.  

How long to you have until your next court date?  Did you file for joint or full custody?  For God's sake, get the best lawyer in the county.  Sell your car if you have to, it can make all the difference.  We talked to a lot of lawyers who told us not to file at all because we'd totally lose and then be paying a ridiculous amount of child support.  Which we are, but we see my stepson (seven months yesterday, long story if you are interested let me know) three times a week, which is a lot for an infant in Virginia.  How old is your daughter?  How long were you all a family unit, and how long has it been since the breakup?  

Sorry I've gone on so long, I really have been looking for someone to commiserate with about this awful mess.  I can't talk to anyone I know because the mother and I have a lot of mutual acquaintances, and my very best friends are getting tired of hearing it!  If you care to email instead of posting in a public forum, just let me know.  I wish you all the best in your efforts!

[dadinva2006]

My daughter is 4. Yes I feel as if I did get screwed in court, but thankfully we haven't been to the main trial yet. At the temp. visitation hearing I was given every other weekend visitation (daughter's mother didn't show up). We were not able to present evidence of who had been primary caregiver, etc because this was only a 15 minute hearing. My second hearing was just a status hearing where the judge set the trial date. My custody hearing is not scheduled until OCTOBER! I am setting another temporary hearing in order to get increased summer visitation. Heres a little background in my situation

My daughter's mother and I were never married, we had been dating since our teens once my daughter was born her mother was quick to resume her partying lifestyle. I was always there for my daughter. We broke up when she was 18 months old at which point she moved to her mothers house in MD and refused to let me spend time with my daughter for two months. After two months, she moved back to VA and she came to my home and dropped my daughter off and said "here you deal with her now". My daughter lived with me for six months and her mom would come visit her at my house every once in awhile. At this point I told her mother I was going to take her to court for custody and she quickly began spending more time with our daughter. We worked out a verbal agreement in which we would have our daughter equally. This didn't last because she quickley began calling me on her scheduled days to take care of our daughter because she wanted to go out. I have always been there for my daughter and put her first.
I got married about a year ago and I now have a son. My daughter's mom (BM) never used to have a problem with my wife being with our daughter, in fact she frequently would call her when I was at work and ask her to watch her daughter. Me and my wife were the ones who always picked herup from the babysitter. When my wife went on maternity leave last year she also began watching my daughter every day. So my daughter was at my house almost every single day. When it was her mom's scheduled day she would pick her up around 8:00pm.
Well out of nowhere in January BM said she was moving to MD. We had a verbal agreement to switch off week by week so we could each spend equal time with our daughter, well once she got my daughter she called me and told me she and her mother had decided to enroll my daughter into a russian preschool (they are russian) and I could now only see my daughter on the weekends. I decided at that time I would file for custody because I refused to be a weekedn visitor in my child's life. Well the first weekend came around and she called on Friday and told me I needed to give her my daughter's social security card and birth certificate and i told her I would gladly make her copies or fax them where ever she needed them to go, but I would not give her the originals (my lawyer advised me not to). From this point on she refused to let me see my daughter at all. I would drive to Maryland every week trying to see my daughter. I took quick action and filed for temp. visitation. We got a trial date two months later and I was given every other weekend.
BM refuses to provide me with any information what so ever regarding my daughter, she will not tell me where her daycare is, when her doctors appts. are or anything. She won't even allow my daughter to speak with me in the phone.
It is truelly sick what this girl (she cannot be called a woman) is doing to my daughter. How can someone put a child through this just because of their own anger. She is hurting my daughter so much. My daughter crys when she has to go back with her mom every time. My daughter went from seeing me almost every single day to not being able to see me hardly at all. I believe one of the reasons she is doing this is simply jealousy over the fact that I am married and have another child.
I have filed for primary physical and joint legal custody. As much as BM has put me through, if I do win, and if BM decides to move back to VA I would be willing to work out a 50/50 arrangement with her, because my daughter deserves that and I will not let my own anger get in the way as she has.
Isn't Winchester pretty close to Frederick, MD? Do you know of any good PI's in that area?
Sorry for rambling on, there is just alot to say. Please tell me about your case as well and your experience with the courts?

[Brianna6]

It really sucks in this state! We are going through a tough battle with my husbands x wife. She has been out of her girls life for 2 years and when her and my husband had them before that she left them at the baby sitters for days at a time. She is on drugs and has been trouble with the law for it. She is also a prostitute and has been convicted of that and alot more. I have been their for the two girls for two years. The mother was never around except for a month out of that whole time put together. The last time she had them she had them useing a kitty litter box to use the bathroom. We have not aloud them to see her sence. She is homeless and has been for two years and has a baby on the way. We went to court to get full coustudy and she is acting like she is some worried mother and they have given her 2 chances to clean up. She has been kicked out of the drug program for not showing up. She can not have the kids she will mess them up more than they are from her. I have worked so hard to make sure the girls are safe. And all they care is the mother!!! My husband is soon to deploy and I dont want to handel this while he is gone. I have all rights to them right now but they tell me I am just a step mother. I really feel like the mother of the girls! I may not have given birth but I am and have been their mother for two years! The courts dont seem to care what she has done. And they seem to not care for what the father feels.

[meet virginia]

Tell me about it.  As a step mother, we might as well be the mailman, or some random stranger. The BM of my stepson has every right to put him in crappy daycare (he's 7 months, long story, read my post to dadinva if you are interested) while I am home all day every day, in our nice big house, and I have my degree in psycholgy/education.  NO ONE CARES about the father and even less about his wife, even though we love these kids like our own.  I would die for my SS without a second thought, and the mother is glorified for getting off drugs and getting a "straight" job, and warehousing her baby all day rather than let me care for him.  

I sounds to me like you have an open and shut case, especially with her criminal record and getting kicked out of the program.  Also, her being homeless should be a no-brainer, but I wonder if the judges actually have brains, or hearts!!  My biggest piece of advice to you is to get it spelled out in the court order that you are the primary care provider while your husband is deployed.  It seems that if you can accomplish that, the BM can't take you all back to court at least until he returns, because he couldn't be present for a trial.  Once things are settled (for now) there shouldn't be a big legal mess for you to handle on your own, just the crappy situation of dealing with visitation.  Although you may be able to get her visits supervised depending on her history.  Did you call CPS about the litter box?  It's good to have an independent witness to such things.   As far as your SD's attitudes, you have my sympathy.  If they have biologically inherited their mom's personality, there is little you can do to shape them into decent, feeling people.  But maybe they are just reacting to the lies they have been told by her and will see the truth when they are older.  I hope for your sake this is the case, and I wish you the best.  Oh, and get the best lawyer you can find.  

[meet virginia]

I will try to give you the back story without rambling too much!  My husband and I dated on and off for three years, with me always leaving bc he wanted to get married and I did not (talk about a role reversal!) I left again in fall of 04 and he had a rebound relationship with a pub wench who thought she was cool for experimenting heavily with drugs, getting random piercings, and passing out drunk in her own place of employment after legal drinking hours.  Yeah.

She lost her apartment and was actually living with DH for several weeks.  Soon after moving in, she discovered she was pregnant and ended the relationship, moved onto the sofa and had her friends in at all hours.  Also, she chain smoked and smoked pot, when confronted by DH said "you don't know how hard it is to be pregnant."  DH offered for her to live in spare room and them raise baby, when she refused, he paid $1000 for her to get her own apartment, also paid $360 a month for entire pregnancy so she would have medical insurance.  She started screwing someone else before she even moved out.  DH went to several of the dr appointments until BM quit telling him when they were.

Sept 05 BM's dad called DH from hospital so he was there for birth, and visited the next 2 days.  When BM took SS home, she refused to let DH come over and see him, refused every offer of help he made in response to her whining about how hard it was.  After 2 weeks of her refusing, DH filed for Joint legal and joint physical.  Dec 05 DH was awarded 4 hours per week of visitation at pre-trial hearing.  BM lied to judge and our lawyer did not catch it.  She said he had not met the baby (obviously everyone at hosp saw him there) and that he never called (we had cell phone records.)  Lawyer paid no attention to detail!  BM's boyfriend moved in in Nov and has been playing daddy to my SS and no one cares!!!!!  We got married in Nov bc we figured if we were surviving this together, we might as well, and SS should have at least one stable family.

They negotiated an agreement in March, just before actual trial date.  They gave us more than the standard bc we had proof BM lied and that she tried to keep DH away from baby.  Unfortunately, we did not have enough to take him, as she stopped drinking and drugging and got a day job.  At least she is now trying to be a competent mom.  We now have Tues and Thurs pm for 2 hours and alternating Sat 9 to 4:30 and Sun 9 to noon.  Overnights to start at one year of age, once/2weeks.  We are told that this is excellent for his age and Virginia usually gives much less to dads.  Be aware that the right of first refusal in a joke.  She only has to call my husband to baby sit if A) it is not for work, B) her mother and live in boyfriend are unavailable.  So she sends baby off to trailer daycare of her choice, where he has caught every virus going, and we pay for it.  While I am sitting home (I work nights) in our nice big house and I'd love to care for him.

You are lucky that you have third party witnesses (the sitter, etc.)  I cannot believe that the judge gave you so little time with your daughter, considering the circumstances.  You got royally screwed!!!  The judges automatically assume that the man must be at fault and the child should be with the mother.  I am a feminist and that p***es me off!!!  Equal rights means that we can screw up just as bad as you all.  I really, truly feel for you and your wife in this situation.  As far as PI's, it sounds like you definitely need one, expect to spend at least $2000 to get all the evidence you need.  Winchester is about an hour from Frederick, and I'm sorry I don't know anyone up there.  It seems to me that her refusing you access to your daughter is at least as big a strike against her as her lifestyle, so make sure you have 3rd party witnesses to this, not just your wife.  Keep me posted on your story, and if you get any stellar advice from your lawyer.  We are looking for a new one and I will let you know how that goes.  Maybe someone out there has a magic cure for injustice.

[skye]

Hi BTDT ...gotta love the commonwealth there are ways to fight this though...If yo want to chat about it my IM is [email protected]

[lookinnomore]

For the record, we live in Prince William county and we did finally beat mom at her own game.

Dad and I live together, with my three girls, and now his two boys.  She BM dropped the boys off on mothers day, told us she couldn't take care of them financially anymore and off she went.  She visited when she wanted, picked them up from school and didn't tell anyone they wouldn't be coming home on the bus, and  missed every school event.

She got married like a year after this, and wanted the boys back.  As much as they say its not true, I believe the courts always give the mother the child.  NOT THIS TIME, stood our ground UN MARRIED and won.

Keep the faith.

[skye]

my DH has had custody of his boys since 2002 she has tried 4 times to reverse it ...I think in VA its hard for a man to get custody but I believe once they do its harder even for mom to reverse it...