Dealing with wife's boyfriend (part 2)

[crayiii]

I went to Washington State last week so I could spend the weekend with my son and pay a visit to the court to find out how hearings, etc. go.

While at the court, my wife called me and wanted to know if I was in town yet.  When I told her that I was and that I was at the court house, she became very concerned and asked if she could come down and meet with me to hopefully come to agreement on terms.

She showed up with her boyfriend and her boyfriends mom but she and I went into one of the mediation rooms alone and started working on things.  We actually got along very well and laughed and joked and she was pretty much agreeing to everything.  

After about an hour her boyfriend just walks in and asks how things were going.  I didn't have a problem with that and my wife and I both told him things were very good.

The boyfriend then picks up the calendar that we were working on and asks my wife "how much time are we giving him".  I said "I'm not trying to be a jerk here but you need to understand that this is between Jane and I and you need to stay in the background"

The boyfriend then tells me, "this is a group decision not just you two"

Is there anything I can do to stop this?  Is this just how it is?

[mickey24]

I live in Ny and when my husband does anything with his X. If she does not want me in there she has them ask me  to leave and i have to go. I would ask them to have him not be in there he does not have any right to be there.

[wendl]

In WA State is is NOT a group decision, it is about the two parents.

I Know during the pre-trial hearing (I am a stepmom) my dh's attorney asked bm's attorney if it was ok if I participated in the hearing, and she agreed. The judge talked to dh and I alone with our attorney 1st, then with bm and her attorney then when everyone was in the room I didn't say anything and let dh and bm and the judge discuss things.

He should NOT have 1) just walked in that room and 2) voice his opinon without BOTH parents agreeing to it. HE IS NOT married to this woman and no way would I allow him in anymore meetings.  BM never had her boyfriend come into the room with dh, when it comes to boyfriends who knows how long they will be together.  Sounds like this boyfriend has a little to much control over your ex and I am sure when he is there she isn't being truthfull to her true feelings.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[crayiii]

I just dont know how to address this issue.  We were meeting on our own and were not using a mediator.  I have asked my wifes attorney to ask her to please keep her boyfriend out of it and her attorney told me to get used to it.  I dont have an attorney...

My son (6) told me over the weekend that her boyfriend makes fun of me and it hurts his feelings.  We have a temp order in place that says we arent supposed to do anything like that.  

[4honor]

ask her yourself to make sure he stays in the background... as his involvement gets in the way of getting things settled amicably.  Make sure you let her know that EVEN iF THEY WERE MARRIED he would still be a secondary parent as far as the courts are concerned (in WA that is how it is) and except for coordinating for vacation times, BF should not be in the mix at all.

Let her know you are NOT trying to exert control over her life, but that BF seems a little hostile to you and this is hurting DS in the long run... so things will go more smoothly at this stage if only the parents of DS make the decisions. Once things are more settled, you are sure that you and BF "will find some common ground".

[wendl]

Well in WA state their are facilities and mediators that you can go to, I suggest that you do that from now on.

You don't want to get into a situation where their are false accustations because mom and boyfriend gang up on you.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[joni]

Kudos on a huge, giant step at co-parenting with your Ex.

NO...this is not a group decision.

Clearly, there's dysfunction between your Ex and her BF.  He's dominating her.  "How much time are WE giving him"...give me a break.  The guy's a stroke.

I would arrange for another meeting.  Call the Ex at work.  Thank her for such a pleasant, constructive meeting.

Tell her although you appreciate the role the BF does play in your child's life (and this BF does have a role), the BF really isn't involved in the direct decision making process.  Altho the BF is free to give his input to the Ex wife, you don't want to hear from him directly.  It's just between the parents, you and her.  In respect, you will make sure any potential spouse or GF in your life also keeps a respectful distance.

If the guy continues to interfere, suggest you and your Ex meet with an independent mediator....no atty's...and continue to work it out for a court order.

[ocean]

Can you write it all out with whatever has been discussed and whatever else you have in there and then send it to her? Ask her to make revisions right on it and send it back to you so you can see if you agree. Go back and forth like this so that way "they" can look at it together and come to some sort of agreement. I think that if you go after the boyfriend then when he leaves you will be dealing with BM who can not pay the airfare and you will be stuck once again. OR you can request mediation right away and he will not be allowed in the room and you can hash it our with her if you think she is being reasonable. Her lawyer will be there but stand your ground :) Where did you leave it with her? Does she have an e-mail you can communicate through? Good luck!