Can she do this?

[4faith]

Hi, I'm new to this forum, when I've read others here I thought I'd write in to see if If anyone has any advice.

My story is my wife left our home in FL last March, at first it was just a 2 week vacation (which I paid for) to visit her grandmother and she took our then 21 month old daughter with her (in the new car I had just bought her). She never returned, on the day I expected her home she called & said "I'm not coming home I'm divorcing you get a lawyer", this was total shock to me & she woudln't say when I could see my daughter.

The she filed divorce petition & demanded a paternity test & made unclear allegations that I had behaved improperly with our daughter & also violently toward her. (I have loving relationship with daughter & have never hit my wife in 8 years). I had no idea where she was.

Dept of Children & Families came to interview me at my house, I explained everything, & also a lot about my wifes past & our relationship - she is very unstable, drug addiction 15 years ago, multiple previous relationships, several suicide attempts, accused many previous boyfriends & husbands of rape \ abuse etc etc. She abandonded me once for a year & had affairs living with 2 differnt men in the interim contracting Herpes, then she came back to me under false pretenses & became pregnant with our daughter. Wife is 40 years old, long record, she has never worked. DFC & police officer present suggested when my lawyer responded I should seek custody eval & pyschological evaluation of wife. Seemed like good advice. Daughter was examined, there was no evidence of any abuse. Much later I learned DCF rejected wifes allegations.

I was fortunate to have the support of my wifes Mom & Stepfather. We lived with them for a short while when I 1st moved to this country (I'm English) & they are close to us. Her Mom new she was lying & was afraid as I am for my daughter since she knows well how unstable wife is, she told DCF wife was lying & desperately tried to get them help find my daughter.

My 1st lawyer issued my response seeking custody & Psych Evaluation. I did not see my daughter for 4 months & none of us (her mom either) knew their whereabouts. Eventually attorneys agreed to custody & psych evaluations & there was an agreed Order. In the same order they agreed temporary custody with my wife & I would have "supervised" visitation one day per week - it was the only way wife would consent to let me see my daughter. I did not agree to supervised visitation my then attorney did that without my consent.

My Paternity was confirmed in July. I hated having to do it, but att'y said to go ahead.

The first visit took place at wifes mothers with wifes mom & her present. She soon changed that, claiming her mom was an unsuitable supervisor, & then missed 5 out of 8 possible visits in the following months.

I started seeing a counsellor at suggestion of Mom in Law when wife left. Same counsellor (forensic Psychology) has seen Mom in law as a patient for several years (lot of stress due to wifes behavior), he thought much of my wifes behavior as described by me & her Mom indicated Borderline Personility Disorder BPD, I looked it up & her parents & I concur this describes her exactly - wifes brother (an MD) also thinks she has BPD, but as yet she is undiagnosed. (I've since learned & realized I was emotionlly abused throughout our relationship)

I was frustrated with my attorney & with assistance of counsellor found a new attorny who seemed far more familiar with fathers rights etc. I retained new attorney (at huge expense) & straight away she obtained court order getting wife to declare wherabouts & day care, dr's details for daughter etc. Wife resisted claiming she thought I would kill her. Neverhteless she was eventually forced to comply. It seemed she had moved to Orlando about 180 miles from our home in Palm Beach county, later in deposition we found she thought she had a 6 figure job there in real estate via old boyfriend. Job never happend she eventually started work part time at realtors but has been living off inheritence money from her grandparents.

Eventually we got her into deposition, att'y wanted to do 2 sesssions & we covered a lot of ground she admitted to everyhting re: her past & made outrageous claims against me then completely contradicted herself minutes later.  She did not want to come to deposition & missed 2 appointments. As things are moving against her she tries harder to delay more.

We still have not had mediation, finally it was recently scheduled for Jan 17th. I have been anxious to get on with it, I don't expect wife to agree to give me any access to daughter, but at least when that is attempted we can begin Social Investigation etc.

This week I just learned that wife has had an "Order for Protection Against Domestic Violence" granted to her in Orlando court. Our divorce & custody is in Palm Beach County Court. I don't know all details yet but apparently she is claiming I threatened her during a visit with daughter & Epcot Center in Dec. (I was stupied enough to let her persuade me to go there with her for one of my weekend visits there - but I'm not dumb enough to threaten her, however I did get very frustrated & when I snipped at her she said visit was over & called police - no charges but very embarrasing ) She attempted to get an injunction 1st in December immediately after this incident - her 1st petition for this was denied saying "petitioner directed to address visitation issues in Palm Beach County Court". I have not been to Orlando since & there can be absolutely no evidence other than my wifes hearsay. But now I just learned that she tried again & her Order was granted on Jan 3rd - I have not been served with details yet, but learned there should be hearing on 17th in Orlando. DCF contacted me this week, Orlando have appointed a Case Manager & DCF want to come & interview me again. I have emailed my att'y with all details.

My first reaction is how can she do this in another court while this whole case is going on in PBC? I'm pretty sure her att'y in Palm Beach County didn't advise her on this course, she is probably getting help from a counsellor of sorts - she's good at that, very persuasive & manipulative.

Now this hearing in Orlando has given her another reason to delay & cancel mediation again. I'm getting very worried & frustrated, I was starting to think I had a good case with her poor record, cutting off access, & her family supporting me. But now I'm running out of money as well & we haven't even had mediation yet. I've paid $12000 to Attorney already, she is good but now she wants another $5k & I know evaulations will be expensive.

I'm very worried my wifes delays & now these attmepts to do things in other courts will cause me to run out of money completely before we even have mediation & then if we can't afford to pay for proper evaluations I may lose by default.

Anyone have any advice?

[MixedBag]

No real advice because so much has happened and you have an attorney....

The only thing I can think of is to run this all by Socrateaser (another page on this site.)  Be sure to follow the posting rules.

He'll cut to the chase for you...and tell you what's important and what to worry about and what not.

[SLYarnell]

Do NOT  I repeat Do NOT let this woman talk you into anything!  She is your enemy and will take any chance to make your life more of a living hell than it already is!

Do whatever you can... sell possessions, take a second job, borrow, whatever it takes to have a good lawyer get you an order that can be enforced that you are at least sort of happy with.  If you have to go it on your own it will be good to have a solid workable base underneath you.

Study this site every spare minute you have, there is invaluable information here and will make the difference between winning and losing your child!

And most of all hang in there... it will seem dark and out of control (been there) but you can do it and should for you and your child!

Take care,

Sly

[4faith]

Thanks Sly. That is encouraging & you are certainly right.

I felt so stupid after going along with those visits with her in December, I really do have a much better measure of her now, and after all she's put me through I really should have known better. Mom in law even warned me to be careful, she was up to something! I just wanted to see daughter - doh!

Meanwhile you are right - this website is invaluable, a real godsend. I feel more confident already since yesterday. Socrateaser has given me some great advice over on his forum on these same questions.

Thanks for the encouragement, it sure does seem bleak and out of control sometimes, especially with her curve balls and delays, but you can bet I will use very dime I have and continue to fight this as long as there is breath left in my body!

Take care, Steve

[MixedBag]

he sure cut to straight to what's important....

good luck

[4faith]

He sure did. Thanks so much.

I wrote to my attorney & she got straight back tonight - following his advice, or close to.

This resource is so invaluable - even just to make sure I ask my attorney efficient sensible, smart questions!  What a godsend.

Thanks again, Steve

[jenny]

Good lluck adn God Bless -
You seem like a really great and dedicated dad.  Know that you are in my prayers.
I love to see all the dedicated parents and steps out here, it jsut goes to show that you can be the CP or the NCP and still want to do what's best for the sake of the kids.

We are few and far between, let's all continue to stick together and keep up the encouragements.  I get lots of it just from reading all the replies that are sent to folks going through hardships.

Jenny

[4faith]

Thanks so much. I really appreciate that.

I've been reading many of the other posts on this forum as well - it's so sad that this kind of thing is so common, yet it is very encouraging for me to know I'm not alone.

God bless. Steve

[smtotwo]

We also are pretty sure DH's ex is BPD.  But since there's no diagnosis theres nothing we can do.

HOWEVER, GET THIS BOOK AND READ IT COVER TO COVER!!

Highlight it take notes read it read it read it!!

Stop Walking on Eggshells

excellent resource for people dealing with BPDs

[4faith]

You are absolutely right.

I already found this resource on BPD Central website //www.bpdcentral.com  I read it & gave it to in laws as well - we all find it invaluable for dealing with my ex.

Another crucial resource from same website is SPLITTING written by a lawyer, gives practical advice for anyone facing high conflict divorce from Borderlines\Narcissists.

This was particularly helpful for me, practically everything it says she will do has come true.


Thanks