desperate for encouragement

[brock.jens]

Hello,
I am the father of a 22 month old girl. my ex filed a rstraining order against me alledging physical abuse and drug abuse (both are untrue) I have no history of violence or drug use. Anyway, after serving me with the R.O. she called me and told me to come home. She said that she dropped the R.O. so I went back. About three months later she got mad at me and next thing i knew, i was arrested for violating the R.O. Point being, I never contested the restraining order.

I served 19 days in jail. I was told not to contact my ex and that the r.o. had no stipulation for parenting time. It was more than a year since i saw my daughter again. the only reason i am now seeing her is because she was placed in protective custody after my ex was arrested once for being extremly intoxicated and home alone with my daughter causing a scene. a month later she was arrested for arson in the first degree. she tried to kill herself by setting her house on fire. my daughter was with her grandma at the time

i want custody!! of my daughter. my daughter has been placed back with her mom, DHS still retains jurisdiction though, they both reside in an impatient treatment facility. my ex's second time through rehab in the last year for alcohol abuse and third time in the last 4 years. she has significant issues with alcohol and mental illness.

sorry for the novel!! DO I HAVE A CHANCE???
any insight will be greatly appreciated
thank you

[hagatha]

Your first mistake was not defending yourself against the RO. You need an attorney. Beg, Borrow, and do everything you can to get a retainer.

How is your relationship with the ex's mother. Have you done anything to see your child since the mother was arrested.

Have you contacted DHS about custody?

Have you petitioned the court for either custody or parenting time?

You have to be proactive to get anywhere in family court. No one will just hand over your chikd simply because you are the father. Especially since there is documentation of abuse. It doesn't matter that you were not abusive, the documentation is still a matter of court record.

I would suggest getting an attorney. Attending counselling for physical and drug abuse. Attempt to show the court you are and will be a good parent to your child. Find a parenting class.

And read everything you can on this site about finding an attorney and custody/parenting issues.

The Witch

[Brent]

One of the first things you'll hear is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is crucial, and these pages will help get you started:

Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/protect.htm

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

Some of these pages will apply more than others, but they all have valuable information. Also, get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is better.

As someone else mentioned, you've GOT to get an attorney, and a father-friendly one that's familiar with Family Law. You may find one near you here:

http://deltabravo.net/custody/attysearch.php

[BelleMere]

there is always that. The first thing I would do, tho, is get actively involved in the case plan that DHS has . . . contact the social worker to find out what the objectives are for mom and your child, what you can or must do as a parent, and then make sure you keep track of whether all those objectives are being met or not. Insist on overnight visitation - I assume you have  a decent living situation. If not, that should be your first priority - good job, decent home or apt. Unfortunately it's hard to fight these things out with DHS, but you might have to - their usual MO is to try to reunite the child and the parent the child was taken from, not permanently place the child elsewhere - you should have been given a lawyer for the DHS proceedings as both parents are usually involved in all that - see if you can work with that person to request custody. IF not, try to find one with experience fighting that system.

[brock.jens]

I know i should have contested RO but she told me she dropped it. my naivet'e hopefully will not ruin this for me.

I am seeing my daughter now twice a week for about 4-5 hours each time. I am working with DHS because they still retain jurisdiction. There is a contested jurisdiction trial coming up. the reason we are going to trial is unclear to me because the allegations against me a rather benign as compared to the list they have on mom, who by the way has already admitted to her allegations. my court appointed atty. said we should go to trial. we also have a dom rel trial set.

I have graduated from anger mgmt. and have had a drug/alcohol assesment and have graduated from a parenting class

does this help?
thanks

[brock.jens]

i dont know what the case plan is for mom or daughter, i have done all of the requirements asked of me in my service plan. I had to fight just to get the visitation i have now. my case worker never calls me to ask how my visits are going, so she has no idea as to the progress my daughter and i have made over the last 2 months. she seems annoyed when ever i call her with a question and then usually answers by telling me i have to contact my daughters gma who is the one transporting. my living situation is fine, i have had and passed a homestudy already.
i did get a atty. for DHS case and have a trial date set for dom rel issue also contested jurisdiction trial with DHS

[BelleMere]

Social workers are all busy and they ALL sound annoyed - it appears that the focus of this DHS effort is really the relationship of Mom and baby. So  you will have to fight to get yourself in there. Document EVERYTHING. Have people around who can support the fact that your relationship with your daughter is progressing - video tape some of your visits, etc. And do what you can to build a good working relationship with gma, which won't be easy b/c in all likelihood she is attached to this child and may fear that if you get custody, she won't see her gdaughter as much. Good luck! these things take a long time. But the main thing is that you keep seeing your daughter - these early years are crucial for her to bond to you and feel secure.

[brock.jens]

she is indeed attached, it is my understanding that she was doing a great deal of the parenting while my ex was incapacetated as it were.
thank you so very much for your info, anything else you may think of please post. questions, advice encouragement
thank you

[brock.jens]

my atty. i recently discovered while talking to atty's to rep. in the dom rel case, is about as green as they come having only passed the the bar in 2005.

I believe that my atty's reasoning behind contesting DHS jurisdiction is to set up a record of my ex's bad acts by isuing supoena's to the police officers who arrested my ex. on the last staus check we had though the DA told my atty that that testimony would not even be relevant. the allegations DHS has made against me are a) father cannot legally protect child, b)father is on supervision for violating RO (i have completed all conditions my PO has asked of me and have been kicked down to bench probation), c) father needs help fromDHS in estab. a relationship w/ child d) father has had no contact w/ child for one year.
I was thinking that it might be best to just admit to these and focus on dom rel
i am sorry for all the ?'s and appreciate any advice
thank you

[BelleMere]

If DHS believes all of that, they are responsible for giving you a case plan and in particular, helping you (as they say) to establish a parenting relationship. So they have to get active - your lawyer needs to get in there and advocate for whatever services might help including, since they apparently say you need help with parenting, visitation. Overnight. And a state-paid attachment therapist who can assess that your attachment and the child's attachment is strong.

One word of warning - you could potentially lose your parental rights if you admit to not having contact for a year.

What a mess. I am sorry you are in this. BTW altho DHS folks will never tell you this, you should record all interviews and interactions you have with them. Just in case. You have a right. They are NOT your friends and they are NOT on your side.

If your atty really wants the details about the arrest and it's not clear in the police report what happened (which is really all that does matter), tell him to depose the officers. The real issue is not what happened then - after all, she's already in rehab for that -, it's what is happening now. You are in a mess over the RO - that's a problem. But again, if you can get DHS to give you a therapist who can watch you and yoru child together, you might be able to get someone "official" to say that there is no reason to worry.