19 years of no contact

[twopeaks]

I'm a 67 yr. old with a daughter almost 30.  Since she was 11 she's denied my existance.  I have had no contact, photos, and virtually no knowledge of her wellfare.  This was entirely because of parental alienation, a mother's intolerance for a devoted father, a "hometown" judge and an unscrupulous attorney.

I know how to find her but not what to do about it.  The degree of alienation has created a firewall which may be impenetrable.  At 67, I become more alarmed that I may in fact never have so much as a word with my (only) child again.  Man, I sure would like some suggestions from others who have found creative ways to get through to their extremely alienated adult offspring.

[wendl]

Have you ever thought of writing her a letter telling her how you feel and that you have never stopped loving her or thinking about her.

Not sure how she would react, but at least you have some comfort in letting her know.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[twopeaks]

Have written many.  Sent none.  Last year finally sent her 95 emails w. early photos attached and little text.  No replies.  She prob. spam-blocked them from the beginning.  Going there (a long drive) is impracticable if it results in a slammed door...or worse.  13 years ago she went to the police when I was behind her in traffic for a few blocks. She accused me of stalking.

[Stepmom0418]

I would send a letter that explains everything about how you are feeling. maybe even ask her to please respond. I would try it and see what happens. You never know if your letter is from the heart and she believes you she may reply.


Another thing to remember is to NEVER no matter how hard it may be DO NOT speak poorly of the other parent.

I wish you the best of luck

[4honor]

I got in touch with my daughter after not seeing her for 11 years. She was 8 when I last saw her.

I have not SEEN her even now, and the relationship is strained, BUT we do keep in touch via email.

I started with a letter to her. I wrote it  with not hint of defense. Sure my daughter had been told MANY untrue things about me, but I was the one who was not there... what REAL excuse could I give that she would accept?

I told her of the many changes in my life, of the other children I have now (the only blood she has). I flat out asked for her forgiveness for failing to be what she needed me to be. I knew that nothing short of brokeness and humility was going to get me through the door.

I promised her answers when she was ready for them. I have kept that promise -- and the one thing that helped her to truly forgive me was when she realized she is older now than I was when I had her. I was a single mother with NO father in the picture. I made many mistakes. Her other parents and the social workers/counselors involved did nothing to promote the truth either.

I reminded her that now that she was grown up, she had probably already experienced the law of perceptions -- that what we perceive to be the truth as children is rarely complete or the truth. I requested she take that into consideration and asked that she give me the opportunity to begin anew -- cause let's face it, the old relationship sucked!

I gave her my address, phone number and email address. I suggested she start with email and we would take it at her pace. We are still emailing and it has been 2 years. BUT that is something. She instant messages me when she has a moment. I am a part of her life, and though I would rather be a bigger part, I am content to know that she is alive and well and still lives me -- in her own way.

[4honor]

Ooops duplicate

[Stirling]

What exactly have you done over the last 19 years to create and maintain a relationship with your daughter?


People will only create and maintain relationships that they comfortable with.  If you have been consistent in letting your daughter know that your door is always open to her, then that is about all you can do.  Your daugter needs to take responsibility for her part in creating and maintaining a relationship with you.  If she has decided that she doesn't want such a relationship, then there is not much you can do about it.

[twopeaks]

As to your first paragraph...a couple of hundred letters were sent and probably intercepted.  High school teachers were instructed (by her) to give no info when I inquired into her school record.

As to your second:  Indeed my daughter is saddled with some responsibility.  That makes it even harder for her to reverse the alienation...even as a grown adult.  I was given no information about anything.  I found her in Chicago through subtrefuge.  "If she has decided..." it is because of the effectiveness of the Parental Alienation with which she was programed.  When any parent alientates a child against the other parent that constitutes an insidious form of child abuse.  Psychological abuse is right up there with physical abuse in it's detrimental effects.  When a parent is forced to surrender their child's affection to a parent who would do such a thing it is horrendous with long-lasting emotional implications (for everyone).  If the "losing" parent is a sociopath, that is different, but it is not the role of the other parent to be the sole judge to serve their own biased intolerance nor to recruit the child to support their point-of-view.

My daughter is the real loser in all this.  She no longer has contact with an extended family.  Getting her attention, let alone affection, again would probably require something like cult de-tox.  If I thought it had a snowball's chance, I would have done it long ago.  If our children were kidnapped by low-life we'd kill to get them back if it was the only way.  But when they are emotionally kidnapped by the other parent we're expected to conclude "..there is not much you can do about it."  There's always something.  It may make matters worse but it's better than being resigned to one's childless fate for eternity.  Of course that only applies to parents who genuinely love their progeny and are not merely fighting not to lose.  The tears I hear in this forum of parents who've been denied is heart-rending.  When adults use their children as weapons they should be stopped.  Some courts do not recognize Parental Alienation as child abuse.  They should.

Young Eager Breeders should be forwarned of the pros and cons of planting the seed.  Little do they know...  The horror stories are never-ending.

So - the question remains.  What if I drove to Chicago only to have a door slammed in my face or Homeland Security called?  Dangerous but admirably pro-active?  Be charged with stalking only to have at least the opportunity of confronting her with the above in court?  At 67, one becomes less inclined to wait resignedly for good graces to befall them.

Cheers...
BR