I'M NEW AT THIS. WIFE LEFT. I WANT CUSTODY OF CHILDREN.

[THERAVEN]

Last November 2005, my wife left me with 3 sons. One is 18 but the other 2 are 7 and 4. I'm not sure why she left to this day. She wasn't in an abusive situation or anything. She won't say why. She approached me 5 days after she left and said she wanted a divorce. I didn't argue with her. I've been looking over my shoulder for sometime no wondering wheter she would come home, where she had been, who she was with. Even when she was at home she would go to bedroom and sleep or read a book. She has been absent from our lives for at least 4 years even when she was home. I sarranged some marriage counseling and made sure she approved of counselor. She came once and wouldn't go back. I told her we could get someone else. She wouldn't talk about it and then one night she left.
   I did what I had to do went to a lawyer got temporary custody and an order to keep her off of property. She still came in house and got stuff when we were gone so I changed the locks. S he won't talk. She lives in a pay by the week hotel known for frequent visits by the law for drug trafficking and prostitution. She doesn't know I know where she lives and she isn't saying.  She sat down with me and my lawyer, she has no lawyer, and claimed she wanted joint custody and basically half the days out of the year visitation. I couldn't agree under the circumstances. We are supposed to go to mediation and talk with a neutral party but I still can't agree to anything until she admits where she lives, reveals her adress and opens up to some sort of inspection of where my kids will be. so she will probably have to take me to court. She was ordered to pay child support which she has yet to do. I have been very resonable letting her visit children and even take hem out for the evening.
   She left me with $8500 credit card debt. I'm getting behind on bills. I approached her about selling house, paying debts and splitting any money left/ She was unwilling. I took her to court and she cied crocodile tears in front of judge and he gave her 6 months to buy house. She is unemployed, not paying child support and he still gave her 6 months to buy house. I just want to leave memories of this house behind and move on with my life as much as is possible.
  Anyway, any advice? Any father's rights groups or lawyers that will fight for a father's rights with some passion and not just get their money and do nothing in court?

[TPK]

"Anyway, any advice? Any father's rights groups or lawyers that will fight for a father's rights with some passion and not just get their money and do nothing in court?"

I don't see why you need a father's rights group. You already have the upper hand at the moment. You have the kids, the house and a CS order is in place, you have a lawyer and she doesn't etc.

Take her to small claims court on the credit card debt issue. If you can prove the purchases were made by her and for her, perhaps you'll get a judgement against her. If she has no money to begin with, the judgement won't be worth the paper it's written on as you'll recoup nothing.

I'd love to be in your situation having the kids, most people here don't have custody and are fighting tooth & nail just to have some visitation.

Relax, you're in control right now. Don't give in to anything, treat it like a business deal.

Good Luck

TPK

[4honor]

You do have the upper hand, BUT... you need to get yourself some counseling. You may never know why she did this, but it is basically a non-issue in court. If you need help in developing the tools you need to cope with the side emotional issues, a good counselor/therapist who you are comfortable with and can trust is a good place to start.

Try to keep focused on doing the right things for the kids. If your ex does not have anywhere for the children to sleep, then overnights are not feasible. However, be open to the overnights when they are feasible. Trust, but check as my grandma used to always say.

Talk to your creditors, ask for some leeway and a reduction in your interest rate (what is the worst they can say, No?) Let them know that your wife abandoned you and messed with your finances and that you are raising 3 children alone now, but that you INTEND to pay them.

Get everything you can out of  both your names. You don't want to be tied to her financially at this point. If she is making poor decisions you don't want to be pulled along with it. Get a note put on your credit report that you are legally separated from/divorced from your ex and that all debts she incurs from ______ date are hers alone. This should help keep things from getting worse.

There are many articles on this site that will help you with direction. You can also find some father friendly attorneys listed.  You are on the best site for support. We advocate for children to have access to two FIT parents. The idea is for every child to have both parents be as mentally healthy as possible and be as involved as possible in their children's lives.

Do not expect your ex to change... but don't automatically assume she hasn't. It sounds like your ex has some mental health issues (self isolation generally comes with severe depression and/or drug dependence.) Untreated, both issues can be destructive. But treated, there is no reason your ex could not step up and become the mother you wish for your children.

Since you have internet access, I suggest eBay for various things you may have sitting around your home. It is the quickest legal way to gain a buck I can think of -- not knowing much about you.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. Don't assume the 18 year old is fine because they are not at issue for custody - watch for any red flags. Let your ex know that you will work with her on custody, but you MUST have certain assurances that the kids have adequate sleeping arrangements and facilities to maintain their hygiene, and you must have emergency numbers and addresses.

Follow through with any good faith promises you have made. If BM (biomom) gets things done, share the kids. In the mean time, teach them that they can talk about anything they have on their mind. Teach them they can love you both and talk about their mom to you if they want -- that you will listen to anything they need to say, good bad, or ugly. Teach them you are trustworthy.... so that if they are ever in trouble they will call you first. So that when they have joys they will run to Daddy... so that if anything goes badly at Mom's they will not be afraid to say something to you... so that if they really do better overall with a shared custody arrangement, that they will know you will not be automatically opposed to it.

Remember that your ex will not always be trying to "get" you by her actions. Sure, she knows you well enough to push your buttons and probably will, but you need to let alot of the little stuff slide and attempt to work with this person you brought children into the workd with. Try to remember the person you once admired and address that person when talking to the other parent. It will go a long ways even when it doesn't seem like it. Normal divorce conflict dies down in about 4 years when both parents are mentally stable. May seem like a long time, but it will go by quick.

BEST advice anyone ever told me:

1. Document! Document! Document!   AND
2. Behave at all times as if you are standing in front of the judge.

[reagantrooper]

"I have been very resonable letting her visit children and even take hem out for the evening. "

Well isnt that noble of you?

It's great that you have the upper hand in this. However the above attitude is just wrong. If a Mom came in here and said somthing along these lines she would be flamed for sure and many have.

So having said that  my advise is as follows, dont concern yourself anymore with why she left its not important, Educate yourself for the long road you have ahead, Document everything, make sure your kids are safe, try to come up with a good Parenting plan, never speak ill of Mom to the kids, when it comes to your lawer remember your the boss, dont use your kids as pawns in your war with the X, encurage your boys relationship with their Mom, if she ever pays CS use that CS for support of the children,

Good luck to you!