Advice for ongoing custody issue

[shawn]

I filed for custody of my daughter in Dec '04 when she was 2mo old after her mother "AS" told me to take her to court if I wanted to see my daughter again. I was never married to "AS". (I have had paternity test done) She has a history of mental illness, suicide attempts, hallucenations, etc and was put in mental hosp when she was 1mo pregnant. The lawyer I had at the time of filing would never make any progress in the case and started saying I would never get custody and said this without even looking at any of my evidence against her including emails, phone recordings and her mental records. In Sep '05 I fired him and was referred to a another local attorney from a child custody attorney in a neighboring city. This attorney is well respected and recently won custody for a father.

He filed for a deposition and we had it in Nov '05. He did not sit down with me before the deposition to look at any of the information or evidence I had against her. At the deposition, Of course "AS" lied about everything. She said she doesn't drink, and never used drugs which she certainly did at the time she was put in mental hosp and her records should prove this. This girl lies about everything and anything. Since the deposition there has been very little progress. I have made appointments to talk to my lawyer and the last appointment he had the judge set up a hearing date which was in March. As the hearing date was approaching I was trying to get in touch with my lawyer and couldn't. He had not prepared me for this hearing or prepared himself. Did not have her medical records, nothing. The day before hearing, his secretary called me and said there had been a continuance and they would let me know when the next hearing date was.

"AS" has been seen at the liqour store with my daughter lately by a relative. There have been two different occasions, one where there was a bud light bottle cap in her diaper bag after I had picked her up from "AS" . And a second occasion where there was a bud light bottle label in the bag. (I know she drinks around my daughter but how do I prove this?) I had mentioned to my lawyer before about hiring a PI but said he didn't think it was necessary. He said I would get custody and probably even make her pay child support.

I have my daughter probably 80% of the time, "AS" 's mother has her probably 15% and "AS" might have her 5% of the time.  "AS" always calls with excuses of why I need to keep her. I am usually running back and forth every day or so 20 miles there and 20 miles back to pick up my daughter. "AS" has a boyfriend who is 13 yrs older than her. She has been taking off work lately to go with him to the hospital to see his mother but when she is at work and our daughter needs to goto the hospital or doctor she can't take off and needs me to take her. "AS" 's ex friend told my sister that "AS" has spent the night many times with my daughter at her boyfriends house.  My daughter's 1st birthday, "AS" didn't want her that day and had other things to do. This past mother's day, she didn't want her then either. I think all she wants is a check each month.

I could go on and on about evidence I have on her but it would be very long. Do lawyers usually work like this? Take their time and not prepare? The more time goes by the more time my daughter is in an unstable environment. She's only 1 and i'm sure she's confused about all this back and forth stuff. Plus i'm 98% sure "AS" is drinking around her and that puts my daughter at risk. What do I do about this taking so long. I've been patient for way over a year. I have documented everything. Anybody with advice who has been in similar situations would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Kent]

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!

You can download the Parenting Time Tracker here for free, which is a great tool to track when your daughter is with you, taking her to the Dr.'s etc. etc. If your daughter has spent at least 6 months mainly in your care, AND YOU CAN PROVE IT!! then you have a significant change in circumstances.

Get medical records on your daughter, showing that YOU are the one taking her. Dental records too. Have someone create a daily picture trail of you with your daughter, taking care of her. Make sure pictures are dated by the camera, so no digital pictures.

You can hire a PI, but it costs money, and this is not where you should focus on.

Your focus needs to be on how well and how much you are caring for your daughter, and not on how bad of a mother AS is. As soon as you have 6 months of Time Tracker, pictures, witnesses etc. you can file for a change of custody.

If the judge wants to appoint a Guardian, fight this with everything you have in you, and ask for a custody evaluation performed by an LPC instead.

Check if you are allowed to record phone coversations in your state, http://www.rcfp.org/taping/
If you are, record every call with her, transcribe them, and file them in your evidence folder.

Make sure you (e)mail a copy of all new documentation to your attorney the moment you create it. He doesn't need to read it, but that makes it fall under "attorney-client priviledge", and it's not open for discovery anymore.

Good luck.

Kent!

[BelleMere]

when we raised the issue of BM smoking pot daily around the skids, we were advised to get a PI if we wanted to "prove" it - so it might be worth it to you to do that, just to have more info.

The reality is that just drinking around a child is not a crime. You have to demonstrate some kind of ill effect on the child - a traffic incident, signs of neglect, abuse, whatever. Of course, a PI might be able to back some of that up, too.

But in answer to your other question - yes, these things do often take a long time and, yes, you have to do a lot of the footwork yourself for your lawyer. Also it has been my experience that lawyers have a hard time dealing with liars because they (the attys) don't know the whole truth so they don't know what is a lie and what isn't - but you should think about what came up in the deposition and what you might need to disprove her claims (IF they are even relevant - in our case, BM would often throw out false issues, very often lies, and then we'd all get off track debating things that really didn't matter). However, judges are pretty savvy about liars. Know the laws of your state related to change in custody and generally what kind of visitation is awarded. If money is an issue for her, maybe you could offer to either continue to send her some part of the CS or just not ask for CS from her (many Dads just don't, although I don't think that's fair.)

Why exactly do you want custody changed? Do you not have joint at this point? Do you want sole? If you have joint custody right now perhaps all you need is to adjust the visitation so that it more accurately reflects what's going on - the 75/25 time with you/her. Baby steps, you know?

[shawn]

I have over a years worth of documentation, and document everytime she is in my care, although I have not used Parenting Time Tracker and will have to look into it. I have plenty of pictures of my daughter and I but do not have the type of camera that has a date stamp. What is a LPC? I have checked a while back about recording conversations in my state and is legal as long as one party (me) is aware of the recording.

[shawn]

If my lawyer will get her medical records it will prove that she has used alcohol and smoked pot herself. After she got out of the nut house she was the same, and I have email from her stating how she wants to commit suicide right after she got out.

Since her mother and I were never married, she has custody automatically and I have no rights to my daughter until I establish them. So when she was 2mo old, and she had told me to take her to court because I wouldn't see her again, I went ahead and filed for sole custody. I didn't expect to get full custody then and at the time she told me to take her to court, she refused to let me see my daughter for 6mo, but since my daughter was 8mo old she started letting me see her again and now I have her most of the time.

Reasons for custody: She has had hallucenations of people telling her to kill herself, attempted suicide, violent temper, drugs. She has told me over the phone on three occasions that she was going to end up beating my daughter, unfortunately I was not recording at these times. She is unstable, has had 4 jobs already this year. My daughter is always sick when she comes from her mothers house and smells like smoke and can't breathe. She has called a daycare to ask them how to discipline our daughter because she doesn't know how. If my daughter gets bad sick throwing up or bad cold she drops her off at my house for a week at a time with some excuse made up of why she needs me to keep her but the real reason being she doesn't want to hear my daughter scream and cry and get up with her in the middle of the night when she's sick. The list goes on....

I do not have joint custody or anything, no rights yet. Yes I want sole custody as I feel thats what is right for my daughter and that I am the better parent. My daughter has even cried many times when having to go back with her mother, and now that she is starting to talk good, she is even saying "i wanna see daddy" when going back to her mother. It's obvious that there is no mother-daughter bond, in my opinion. I might not ever win this, but will feel better knowing that I fought as hard as possible for my daughter.

[Kent]

In most states, a Guardian (or GAL) is an attorney, who has absolutely no knowledge nor training in psychology.
This makes them vulnerable to be biased, and they will believe everything they are told, as long as it doesn't sound too incredible.

An LPC is trained in working with people. They are trained in diagnosing behavioral problems, and/or metal illnesses.
In my case, 2 different GALs didn't find anything wrong with my ex, except for her being a notorious liar. My new wife, who is an LPC and has had lots of interaction with her, knows now that the ex is narcisistic (behavioral problem) and has a split personality and bi-polar traits (mental disorder).

Feel free to read the articles on this site about GALs. It will make you want to barf.

Good luck!

Kent!

[MadCityMan22]

Hey everyone,

I am currently going through custody and I have my first mediation hearing this wednesday.  I saw Kent talk about a "LCP".  How would I go about doing this, or is it to late now??  

[MixedBag]

>I do not have joint custody or anything, no rights yet. Yes I
>want sole custody as I feel thats what is right for my
>daughter and that I am the better parent. .......I might
>not ever win this, but will feel better knowing that I fought
>as hard as possible for my daughter.

While I understand your concern, it's not necessary to push the court system all the way to "sole" custody just to feel better knowing that you fought as hard as possible for your daughter.

Primary residential parent can be a goal for your child with joint custody.  The effect is almost the same.

Ask any NCP how many real rights they end up with in that situation and I can tell personally the answer is not many.

[msme]

is not enough. A father needs a Board Certified Family Law & Custody Specialist. Anything less is increasing the risk & lowering the chances of success.

"He did not sit down with me before the deposition to look at any of the information or evidence I had against her."

Personally I feel this borders on malpractice. How can he/she ask pertinent questions if he/she has not reviewed the material? Being well respected simply isn't enough. You need to ask what percentage of his/her firms clients are father's seeking custody. You also need to ask what is their firms success rate in defending these types of cases.

I hope you can get your attorney off his/her butt & succeed. I will pray for you. Good luck & God bless you & your little angel.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Kent]

Do you have an attorney?

Please start a new thread to get advice specifically for your situation.

If mediation succeeds, then you won't need to go to court.

But usually it fails, and then a court date is set. During the first preliminary hearing you ask for a custody evaluation - IF you believe you are absolutely the better parent.
If both parents are equally qualified, then settling in mediation is an option I would look at very closely.

Kent!