PAS is starting I need help.

[416021va]

My State of Residence is Virginia, but the child resides in Florida.

The child came to visit me at my residence and out of the blue stated the following:

"My mommy says the reason that my mom divorced you is because you did mean things to her".

Having my hands tied with multiple legal issues pertaining to this case, I did not really have to get into reading about PAS.

I have quite a few links pertaining to PAS, so please do not cut and paste a link. Additionally, I like to handle all matters pro se, so please do not suggest that I go and see an attorney. I am just a child support payor just like you, so that would naturally inhibit my ability to pay an attorney.

I would like to have answers to the following questions if possible:

1) How should I react to these comments?

2) How could comments made by my child help me obtain custody?

3) How do I get a PAS evaluation through my insurance company?

4) I am sure that this is subject to State law, but can I record my child's conversations with me? If so, do I need his verbal consent?

Thanks

[ocean]

Hello,
1) I would just tell child (not sure of age) "divorce is between two adults (or mommy and daddy) and sometimes when you do not get along, people do not live together anymore but that does not mean that I do not love you"

2) Sometimes kids overhear things....it takes a lot of documentation and then some.....If the divorce is fairly new (still incourt) it will take some time for things to see die down. I know my kids had a lot of questions and really watched what I said to other people so may the child is overhearing your ex vent to other people or she is asking your ex a lot of questions. see #4

3) The child can been seen by a therapist but that will be hard to do since you are not in the same state and can bring child. Therapists are covered under most insurance plans.

4)Yes every state is different. Look up her state and see if it is a one person state (which then you are the one person) or two person state (then I would send her a certified letter stating that from now on, all phone conversation may be recorderd.

Good luck!

[416021va]

Ocean, you are very thoughtful and have given me good advice, but I probably did not give you enough information.

Regarding your points 3 and 4

3) The child is presently visiting with me in the State of Virginia, and he is on my insurance plan. Based on what you said, I will try to book an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible.

4) The child only communicates with me concerning remarks made by CP in the State of Virginia during his visitation time, and so far, never over the phone. I would like to record conversations with the minor child, in person, and not the mother at this point.

Any ideas?

Thanks again

[ocean]

oh...sorry...

3) Yes, you can bring him to a child psycholgist (if you have joint custody). This will open a can or worms when child states you brought him to a "dr". How long is the visit with you? How old is the child?

4) If you think you have something that needs to be documented, I would really do it with a therapist but that is MY opinion only.....Divorce is hard on everybody in the beginning. If the child is young, just say "that is between mommy and daddy and we will take care of it, I will not put you in the middle". If the child is a little older, you can have more of a conversation without too much detail and never put down the other parent...just you two had differences and leave it like that.

:)

[416021va]

it's ok, not your fault....

I do not have joint custody but have stipulated that "shared parental responsibility" exist. This also seems to be implicitly backed up by Florida State law:

61.13 (5)(2)

http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?mode=View%20Statutes&SubMenu=1&App_mode=Display_Statute&Search_String=61.13&URL=CH0061/Sec13.HTM


Child is 6, but is pretty mature. Been divorced 5 years now.

Thanks for your help again!

[ocean]

I really do not know. It looks like what we call joint custody in my state you call shared? If that is right, then yes. Can you talk to your Ex?  I would first try to talk to her and see if you can both come up with a blanket statement to tell you daughter. E-mail her?
I will say that kids have weird views on things. Only you know your situation.
Are you going for custody now? Custody change is very hard to do without hard evidence especially out of state (away from school/friends).
Once BM knows you went to a therapist, she will take child to one by her that will document towards what the mother "sees" what is going on.
Good Luck!

[Dez]

PAS is really hard to prove from what I hear. I'm a victim of it as well.

My son was relocated to va...I'm on the west coast. I haven't seen him in almost two years. I'm slowly putting things together for a trip back to court. It's not an easy task going pro se...but then most of us NCP's are too broke to have a lawyer. In family court they never even begin to earn their money anyway, so why bother.

[416021va]

Ocean and Dez, Thanks again!

I am going to be petitioning for custody, I am just waiting to find the right angle. See the recent post in the custody forum.

http://www.deltabravo.net/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=101&topic_id=7166&mesg_id=7166&page=

Basically, I have lived in VA before, now I am back. Before the CP divorced me, CP got arrested for domestic violence against me.

We went on vacation to FL together for a few days (where we lived before). CP decided that they wanted to remain in FL with my child. Guessing how things go, I decided not to take my child back to VA for fear of being accused of kidnapping.

Please see that thread. I am sure you will be interested and may even be able to add some valuable input.

[4honor]

Keep that in mind at all times.

You can respond to the alienation tactics without putting the other parent down. You need to label the speech he is hearing from BM as "angry words" -- "sometimes when big people get upset they say angry words... sometimes the words are not true and sometimes they are not really meant. I am sorry your mother has been upset lately. I assure you I would never do mean things to anyone."

Explain that what happened in your marriage/relationship is stuff for grown ups and you won't dump that on him. Remind him that you love him -- no matter what.

Draw your line in the sand and do not back down.

I was a child of PAS. I was mentally and physically abused by my CP mother. I did what I had to to survive. I was 17. I could understand that my mother was a liar and was certifiably crazy. Your child is still very young. He will ask many things that are frankly none of his business. You be the grown up. Take whatever attitude you receive from him and return love at all costs. It will be the one saving grace in his life.

[MixedBag]

I'll second that.