I feel I've been divorced form my children * sorry/long

[Detter D]

I am so frustrated when it comes to fairness to the Father.....well,
throw Fairness out the window....I would like to BE a Father.....

After an incident at the house in May when Drop Off didn't go
so well,,,,my ex comes out an is having a fit about our son not
going to be there by nine....well, she got herself all buzzed and
out of control....walked over to my van,,,and said, "I'm going to
kill you.....you f.......and punched my in the face....  
My son was home at 9,o'clock,  but he came two minutes after I dropped the other
kids off.....(I arranged for his ride,,,he was at a friends, and I couldn't get my oldest to work, my middle to laccrosse, so I took the other
two home, and arranged for a ride for my son) to be home at 9

Went to the police and they took pictures, but when we went to
court she just claimed I fabricated the whole story and our
daughter saw the whole thing, and she said it never happened...she's 12
In court she said she had a Letter from my daughter that says
it never happened...I have.police pictures with my face red and puffy on one side,,,,,]
 records and all....but I'm fabricating.....

My daughter was in no position to see whether she hit me or not....
she was too far away, but what I am mad about is her bringing
our daughter into these proceedings.......

Well, had to go to emergency hearing,,,,her motion to move for sole
custody because 'the battle' (on her part) was so damaging for the
kids to watch that it destabilized their household....we have joint
custody with eow and one week day.....

I know this a little role reversal.,,,but believe you me that it happens
to men and it happened to me all my married life, and when I finally
did something about it....I get punished for going to the police for the
first time ever......

Since the parent coordinator said that the kids could choose whether
to come to my house,(orders at court stipulation),,,all the kids have refused and haven't seen
them in a month.....we are supposed to go on vacation next week.
She has intimitated those children so they don't know which way is up.
She can do anything she wants without ANY consequences...
I have seen my children every weekend and one week day for 3 years
and never missed an opportunity to be with my children....

Now my father talked to my daughter, and said she really didn't think
she can come on vacation (who has rented a beautiful cottage for two
weeks) now because driving class is the week we go for vacation...
and my daughter said she has to work *parttime---my middle
son has a concert to go to....and that leaves my youngest who will
not come alone,,,,,they have always come all together....and their
mother constantly bad mouths us, but can never prove it....

So now am sitting her at 2 in the morning, wondering what happened
I now have to go in front of a parent coordinator, and allow her to
introduce visitation back to me, when this whole thing was a revenge
for arresting her for assaulting me, and   I can't say for certain that
she did see it, and lying, or never saw it.....or with
some kind of rose colored glasses on because they say (from Mom)
It is all a fabrication....

We all miss out and not sure what to do next...my parents were looking
forward to having their grandchildren visit, and this is so heartbreaking.

[4honor]

Hoatile Agressive parenting and parental alienation are dificult for even "strong" children to withstand.

It comes down to this, they are kids. They are being put into a bad position by one parent. They cannot trust one parent, so they cannot trust ANY parent not to use them and emotionally abuse them. So they invest all their energy into something else -- some THING outside of their home that they can quit thinking about how awful their once safe haven has become.

They believe you are incapable of rescuing them from the situtation they are in -- and courts being what they are, it might just be true. So they will do whatever it takes to survive until they can escape. If they survive to adulthood without any major addictions (escape is the key word here) they will likely leave and never go back.

You need to prove to them that they are your prime focus and that you will never give up on making their lives better.

It is a fine line to walk. My prayers go with you.

[Detter D]

thanks so much for your kind words,,,,haven't heard many of
those lately...

PAS is so evil....inflicting children, and an adult that is the ring
leader to it all....sorry....got carried away,,,,but she is evil....

I only hope I can get through the Parent Coordinator and GAL
for the second time....only because she wants sole custody...
out of revenge of a disagreement.....and the courts don't see
what she is doing it......out of revenge....only out of revenge
to hurt me because she knows I have never missed a visitation
with my children....

I am hoping and praying that they don't feel that they 'have to
escape....I would like to them to lead productive lives, but most
of all I want them to rise above all this alienation....but I know
they have to live with her....

So in the end,,,I will continue to battle this God awful syndrome
because there are no solutions ....legal or otherwise, and hope
that they want to continue visitations.....I pray...

[hagatha]

D,

Having been in your position I can tell you what made the difference for my sd.

WE SHOWED UP!!!!!

Even though for years we did not get the visitation we were ordered due to mothers interference and PAS, the thing that really got through to my SD was that we did show up every single time. And we showed knowing we would be turned away.

We are well past the crap now since my sd is 21. But we did not see her at all from the time she was 15 till she was 17. But somewhere along the line she started to question some things. And once she caught her mother in an outright lie, it was all over.

We see my sd several times a week now. She even sleeps here on occasion. The relationship between her and her dad is very good. My relationship with her is great.

There is hope. As long as they see you trying, they will remember you did, no matter what their mother says.

The Witch

[dipper]

I feel your pain as it is frustrating....kids are to love both parents and here they are seemingly choosing her side - when she is CLEARLY the one in the wrong.  But, there is one golden rule children learn all too often in court - MOM wins.  Too often the courts let women get away with things a man would be thrown in jail for.

My dh gets verbally abused - called MF, SOB, jerk, etc on a regular basis in front of his son - and it is in the court order that neither parent can call the other parent derogatory names in front of the child....She has admitted to doing this, but the judge has did nothing.  

My dh and bm agreed that he would have custody of oldest and she youngest when they split.  When we married, she moved two hours away, ending dh seeing his son 50% of the time.  The oldest is almost 21 and chooses to live here, despite bribes from bm and her parents.  

After two years, dh finally got custody of youngest child.  He has had custody for less than a month..and the very first 5 minutes of custody reversal she called dh a f**king idiot in front of their son and my daughter.

DH has filed a show cause on it.  SS was very upset that night - he wanted dh to set her straight.  And he was seriously hoping I would kick her *ss.  My dh was great though - he kept completely calm, and I did not open my mouth.

SS is not impressed by his mother's tirades.  Her mouth is much worse when he is around than when he is not.  However, during the past two years, ss did not allow himself to hope.  Twice we shoudl have easily gotten custody but the judge made him stay with her.

Dh would get upset at ss' attitude at times, but I told him - he cannot hope because he is used to the courts making him go back.

And talk about abuse, she stood in our yard and cursed dh with both sons asking her to stop.....and then she slapped a then 13 year old ss across the face - for no reason.  

What did the judge say?  All children deserved to be slapped from time to time.....

You keep trying - you show them that they do have a dad who loves them...and if the courts fail them, you still wont.  I do believe they are just trying to survive...and they dont feel anyone can help them.  They need to make her happy at all costs.

Someday I hope they are strong enough to walk away from her and her abuse.  

[KidzNeedDadTo]

The other day I decided to take the day off work & drive the 100 miles to my daughter school. This being her 12th birthday. Waiting in the school office nervously, 20 min. had passed & she still hasn't come into the office. The VP informed me that she would go & get her. 10 more min. & still no daughter. Finally the door swings open & the VP was alone. She looked at with concern & asked me into her office. She said " Sorry, but your daughter doesn't wish to see you". This is when I felt like my heart dropped further down than it ever has in my life. After some small talk,,,I took a couple of deep breaths and asked her if she could make sure my daughter received this. This being, a rolling backpack full of presents, money, cards etc. from my side of the family. She said she would. I left,,,,,,,,Alienation COMPLETE..........
First it was the mom not wanting me to be w/her.
Second, the Family Court System.
and now third,,,,,My Daughter doesn't want to see me.
3 Words>>>>>  

                           I
                             GIVE
                                    UP !!

[KathyNY]

DON'T!  DON'T GIVE UP!

She's only 12!  YOU have to be the parent, the adult here!  You KNOW your ex has probably been feeding lies into your daughter's head about you, so not only is she confused, but she was at school and may have been embarassed when summoned by the VP.  Maybe she thought it would make her look "cool" to her friends to turn down a parent- a figure of authority.  Who knows what kids at that age are really thinking?!

She's going to realize how far you drove, and how nice it was for you to bring her those presents, and she's going to feel like crap.  But I bet she's going to feel so guilty so won't even be able to pick up the phone to call and apologize.  That's why you can't give up!  You're going to have to continue on, keep trying.  
Like one of the prior responses to the original post said- what worked for them was that they never stopped showing up, and their daughter/SD finally realized how much they loved her, and that BM wasn't so innocent anymore.  You have to believe that this can happen for you too!

She's your CHILD- if you give up now, you're agreeing to FAIL.  You're giving her a reason to not want to contact you EVER again.  Because you're not giving up on the SITUATION, like you might think, you'd be giving up on HER, and that's how she'll feel.  

Scream, yell, throw some stuff around your house (privately) and/or have a good cry.  Then pick up the phone and call your daughter!