Facing an uexpected situation and not knowing what to do

[soncaliente]

Hello all,

I just came across this site and thank you for any advice that you can give to me or articles that I should research.  Basically I will explain this as short as possible.  About 3 months ago, my wife said she is no longer in love with me.  We have been married for almost 6 years and have a beautiful 2 year old.  Before she told me this, I thought my life was perfect and I felt as if I was very blessed.  Our family was the type that everyone would look at and think they are so good for each other. My career has allowed my wife to stay at home which is where she wanted to be.  We only had very minor disagreements but these are things I thought these were things all couples go through.

Since then, she has become extremely cold.  Last month she moved out of the house (without a job) to an apartment and convinced me to pay for her first month's rent until she finds a job.  She has finally found one but it does not start until Aug 1st so she has asked me to pay for one more month.  We agreed that I will keep our daughter with me in our home except for every other weekend.  

I am still very in love with my wife and wedding vows mean a great deal to me. I want to work things out but don't want to lose my daughter in this process.  I have not seen any sign of another man in her life or drugs so I have no idea why she is doing this.  I suggested a mental illness to her but that did not go over well.  (I am an IT Director at a mental health agency so I see many of the symptoms in her that I see every day in the office)

I don't know where to start.  Do I get an attorney now?  If so, do I do consultations with several before choosing?  (The few I looked into charge about $300 an hour so I have been hesitant for emotional reasons as well as financial)  Any help would greatly be appreciated.  I have a great support group of friends and they all have their opinions but I don't want to do anything that can result in me losing everying. (Most importantly, my daughter and retirement that I have built up for my family..I am 35 and wanted to retire around the age of 53-55)

[dipper]

My main advice to you is to document all the time and activities you are spending/doing for your daughter.  This will show that you are the primary care giver.

I know you dont want a divorce and this is a very difficult time for you - this is a person you love and you dont understand what she is doing...but, protect your relationship with your daughter first and foremost.  Be amicable, while keeping in mind your best legal routes.  Stay in the house, keep your daughter in the house.  

My brother is going through a difficult time and he will NOT listen.  He cheated on his wife of 18 years....first time ever...and she left him.  Cant say that I blame her, but there is more to the story than just an affair - like separate bedrooms for five years at her request.....They have a six year old.  

I have begged my brother - document your time with your daughter, do as much as you can for her (appts, etc) and get a lawyer for advice!!!  He has not seen a lawyer and this has been going on for five months.  His wife has moved into an apt, enrolled the child in daycare -which he is paying for, and she and her friends harrass him constantly....they push all his buttons...

Please, dont make my brother's mistakes....get to an attorney at least for advice.....

[Kent]

I know the pain you are going through at this moment. I know that your world is falling apart. I feel your pain.

HOWEVER.......
You CANNOT let this trouble your mind.

I know this will sound very cold and materialistic, but if you want to protect yourself, you MUST act NOW.

This is how it works;
The courts are totally biased towards mothers.
BUT: Just for this moment, you have the upper hand!
SHE moved out, leaving your daughter with you. That's abandonment.
You need to file for an emergency hearing for temporary custody, based on abandonment. (not necessarily divorce, just custody).
You may need to wait until she starts working. You MUST talk to an attorney TODAY! Grab the yellow pages, and look for family law attorneys. You MUST act today.

Question: Where is your daughter while you are at work? Daycare, babysitter, or mom?

If with Mom, your chances have diminished. If with a babysitter or daycare, GREAT! Get a statement from them that YOU are the one bringing your daughter there and picking her up. Go visit friends, family, etc, and videotape the visits, showing that you are the primary caregiver. Make sure the recordings show date and time. Do this EVERY DAY.

In regards to bank accounts: Close any shared accounts. Apply for a new credit card (you may need it).
I would pay for her next month's rent, since this will keep her quiet. Give her some cash for food etc. too, if you can afford it. ANYTHING to keep the peace, until your attorney has filed.

Good luck!

Kent!