Unfortunately, it looks like the peace is over

[ScaredNewDad]

Today one of the worst mornings of my life, though I can't really complain since I got to spend the afternoon with my son.  For those of you read my last posting, Scared New Dad, you are familiar with the incident in early August.  

Following that incident, mommy & I have been careful in dealing with each other.  We have gotten along for the most part and have not discussed the incident much at all.  I took our son on vacation with my parents for a couple of days and mommy took our son on vacation with her family for 5 days.  Before she went away on vacation with him & her family, I came over in the evening as I was asked run an errand for her.  I asked her "do you really think that I put my hands on you inappropriately last week?"  She told me that she was tired and that we would talk about it when they got back.  She was not aware until today that I had filed a harassment complaint with the local precinct after the incident.

I went over to mommy's this morning to pick him up.  We were changing him together and mommy brought up that she would like to make an effort to feed him strictly organic food in the future.  I said that sounded great and I expressed a desire to talk about a couple of other things as far as the future went.  I asked that when we agree verbally that he will be with me on certain days, that such agreements would be honored.  This led directly to an argument over our differing accounts of what transpired on that fateful day when she accused me of "putting my hands on her", told me "I just f%$#ed myself", threatened to call the police, punched me in the nose and walked out of my parents' house with our child.  According to the documentation/memory of that day she expressed to me, I was red eyed (which she took as a sign that I was hung-over, or drunk, as she put it) and she took him away because she felt unfit.  In reality, I had been napping on the couch waiting for her because she was due at my house at 8:30 and arrived at 9.  She took him away because she doesn't like when I disagree with her.  During the argument today, at a point when I made what she considered to be an obnoxious comment, she grabbed my nose and shook it.  Does this seem like the action of a woman who is afraid of me physically?

During the argument today about the events a few weeks ago, she said "don't think that that event wasn't documented", to which I foolishly replied "double documented!"      When questioned, I revealed that I had gone down to the precinct after the incident and filed a harassment complaint. . .not my brightest move.  Her basic stance became that because I had involved the police, the gloves were off and she would get a restraining order against me, immediately get a lawyer (with family $$ - I presume she has convinced her people that I am some kind of jerk) , and seek sole custody.  She demanded and received my copy of the keys to her apartment.  She told me to get out of her house numerous times and each time I picked up my empty carseat and my bag and moved to go she stopped me and told me that she would not stop me from seeing my son again (like she had that day – and the reason behind me filing the complaint).  When I finally got kicked out without him, it was pouring outside, so I stayed under the awning and called my cousin to talk things out.  During that conversation, mommy called me on my phone and told me I could have him until 6:00 today.  She came outside with him and I brought him home to my folks' place.

I got back home around noon and fed him some grub and collected myself.  I spoke with my mother, cousin and friend (he is lawyer, though not a family lawyer).  About 2:30, I called up mommy and asked if he could stay with me overnight tonight (it is my mother's birthday) and she agreed that our son would stay with me until 5 tomorrow.  Mommy then made a last ditch peace offer saying that if I would withdraw the complaint from the precinct than she would reconsider our earlier plan to mediate this.  After calling the police dept., I found out that the complaint (harassment) could not be withdrawn.  I have tried to emphasize to her that the complaint (I worded it carefully) does not necessitate the involvement of the Administration for Children's Services.  She didn't seem to think so.  So as I understand it now she is hiring a lawyer and attempting to get a restraining order in regard to me (I don't know how difficult that is, though I know I never did anything to her).

While earlier looking at a proposed arrangement where we would both go in and have this mediated (with her having physical custody and me having joint legal custody), it now appears that I am accused of being a neglectful father with a propensity to abusing my child's mother.  Once again, I feel my future with my son threatened by lies.  I seek advice on actions I can take and what I have to be careful of in order to avoid providing any shred of validation to  any of her accusations stemming from her distorted perception of reality and what she will represent to the legal system.

Thanks to all readers on their patience in sifting through this.

Mr. Scared New Dad

[KathyNY]

How can she get a restraining order without any documentation of abuse?  Can anyone just go down and file an RO against someone else?  If that's the case, I'll go down right now and file one against my fiance's ex who has threatened me repeatedly! j/k
Seriously- this is a very precarious position you are in and I feel for you.  Just keep doing what you are doing- taking care of your son.  But, you said you spoke to his mom about keeping your "verbal" agreements- no more verbal agreements- you need to get everything IN WRITING!  Whether it's her taking him for 5 days vacation and giving him to you on such-n-such day, or the agreement that she have physical custody- whatever.  Until (and even after) you have things set forth by a court of law, get it in writing!

[ScaredNewDad]

I do not think that she will be able to get a R.O., but these ridiculous allegations still worry me.  So that is one of her threats from yesterday she will be unable to follow up on.  I spoke to her briefly today.  I am visiting my brother this afternoon and have told her to call me on my cell phone around 5 and I will give our son to her.

I have a gathering that I am planning in late September that I am really hoping my son will be at so I can introduce him/show him off to many of my friends whom I was unable to invite to his Christening.  Also I know she has plans to do some things on an upcoming week-end in September.   I have drawn up an impromptu document in regard to these dates and I will have it on me when we meet.  I will start the conversation by asking when I can see him again.  Depending on how that goes, I will present her with the piece of paper (presently containing blanks as far aws dates, times and our signatures.

Thanks for the advice although I am doubtful about her willingness to sign.

[williaer]

Why is it that you are willing to give up on having physical and legal custody. It sound to me like you could do joint on both- if you live that close together. Don't let that "tender age" crap stop you- he is 50% yours too- you have every right o have him just as much as she does. If you are involved and loving and willing- there is no reason for one of you to have sole anything...take a stand with her!

[SCMom]

Her allowing you to leave, alone with the child will directly speak against her "fear that you are an unfit parent" based on what my atty has told me.

[ScaredNewDad]

Mommy picked him up from me today and indicated a renewed desire to have this mediated.  I have a job interview tomorrow and, after I knock that out of the park, I intend to make us an appointment with a mediator.  While I hope that she has come to her senses, I fear the motivations behind her reasonable offer may be her family's unwillingness to sponsor a lawyer to attack me.  Either way, I am relieved at this development and look forward to settling on an agreement.

Thanks to all for the input.  That was a scary few days.

[ScaredNewDad]

My son was with my family for the majority of the holiday week-end out East in a beachtown.  A lovely time.  Upon my dropping him off at his momma's on Monday afternoon, we resolidified our plan to get this mediated quickly.  I am charged with "calling Kings County Family Court" and "finding out the next step".  What are the advatages/disadvantages of using a mediator? . . .?  My research begins.

[ScaredNewDad]

My son was with my family for the majority of the holiday week-end out East in a beachtown.  A lovely time.  Upon my dropping him off at his momma's on Monday afternoon, we resolidified our plan to get this mediated quickly.  I am charged with "calling Kings County Family Court" and "finding out the next step".  What are the advatages/disadvantages of using a mediator? . . .?  My research begins.

[williaer]

I would go in with a VERY clear plan as to what you want and don't bend unless necessary. Don't take what she offers- the two of you made this child equally- she doesn't have ownership of him. I sense that you have a bit of a weak spot for her, since you refer to her as "mommy" and "momma"...don't let your guard down- she will see right through it and take away all of your time.
Let us know how it goes!

[ScaredNewDad]

It is draining to describe all the details after a long day of arguing and and long evening of worrying.  Lot of stuff went on today, but I am learning that BM can say things and not mean all of them, so i will save a few hours of sleep for me and a few minutes of reading time for those concerned souls who read & advise (When/if I gain wisdom in this regard, I hope to become one of you)

I would just like to say that I just found the link on this sight entitled "What the heck do all these acronyms mean?" (I found it on FAQs, I think)and now I can begin to understand what else is going on in so many struggles described on this site.  

I wish all a well deserved good night's sleep to all with burning questions about the future of their children.

S.N.D.NY