Listening in to phone calls... what do you think?

[wysiwyg]

My daughter is the youngest at 14 and I am an IT specialist for a school district.  I do not use parental controls - I am talking about router blocks and settings, monitoring software and staying away from myspace and myface, I have been a division head for Cyber Angles, I know what kids can do and what they are capable of.  

I am merely suggesting that constant monitoring is necessary, but to be overboard with it is another problem.  Everything is good in the right proportions - going to one extrmeme or the other is where you get into problems.  Use what you find out wisely, I do not view it as much differnet than asking your child to tell you wehre they are going wtih whom, when they will return and how they get there.  


Let me give you an example of what I am talking about:  when I was working with Cyber angels I got an email one morning from a distraught teen.  Her parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce and both wanted custody.  Both parents said things to her about the other, waht they tried to protect her from she was astute enough to see and feel the stress and problems.  Her email to me was her last effort to express her herself before attempting to take her life.  She ended her email to me by saying she had just swallowed pills.  Fortunately I was on my computer and availalbe as soon as the email came through.  I was able to trace the email to atleast her ISP which was indicitive of a city, ie had the name of the city in the domain.  I called the local police, as well as a officer we had on the "team" - between them they were able to find out from the ISP where she lived, and when the paramedics got there she was unconscious in her room.  She lived.  I received a lovely email from her parents the next day, telling me that they found my email to her in her inbox and that they had no idea how much she was hurting and what they were doing to her, or what she had planned.  That was how they me, from our emails.  Her emails to her friends went by the wayside and when mom and dad read them they said had they been more on top of her and not thinking of themselves they would have seen the problems.  THey thanked me for going to the aid of their child and vowed to be more involved with her and not the fighting with each other.

I think that maybe you have misinterpreted my intentions to monitor as an invasion, my intentions are not to cause harm but to circumvent it if you believe there is a threat.  I do not mean to come off as someone  that eavsdrops on everything, I am just saying if the situation warrants then I feel it is justified.

[Mamacass]

Honestly, we would rather not listen in to the calls.  However, many times SS doesn't tell us the weird things his mom tells him until later.  She has a mental illness, and sometimes I think that has a lot to do with the inappropriate things she discusses with him.  Maybe I'm overreacting, but let me give some examples.  Just the other night she told him that someone gave her a bloody eye and tried to kill her.  She has told him that she keeps a gun in her purse so she can shoot anyone that tries to hurt them.  He has told us that they can't go to a neighboring town, b/c there are too many bad people there that want to hurt his mom.  SS wasn't there during her last break-up, but he told me about the argument his mom had with her b/f and and how he made mommy cry.  When I asked him where he was when the argument took place, he said he was at school, but mommy told him all about it.  She also told him that her ex b/f tried to kill SS's dog.  When we got to the bottom of that story, the ex had left the gate open, but mommy said he did that so the dog would get out and get hit by a car and die.  When we say we're not sure why mommy tells him these things, SS tells us "Mommy tells me everything."
These are some of the conversations SS has told us about.  Who knows how much he hasn't mentioned.  I'm not sure if anyone is really "after" BM or not, but I don't think it's healthy to tell a 6 y/o the things she's telling him.  This si one of the reasons we want to put him in counseling.  We are hoping a therapist can help explain to him the illness that mommy has, and also help him through all the changes he has gone through.  I'm thinking that if we listen in to the calls then at least we can fully know what we're dealing with to help SS get through it.  We can talk to BM about the appropriateness of her conversations with SS, but I don't know that she'll stop, b/c I'm not sure that she can differentiate between what you can discuss with a child vs. what you can discuss with an adult.  I think many times she views SS as her friend and confidante who will always be on her side.  

[dipper]

I agree.  Unless there is some Rational REASON to be listening...then to me its violating their relationship.  BM used to do this consistently with ss and dh.  She would listen and yell out stuff in the background.  If dh and ss talked about watching wrestling, she would yell, "You tell your dad its none of his business what we do here!"

We have never told ss that he has to be in the room with us when talking to her.  If he chooses to leave the room, that is his right.  If he is wanting to stay in that room and talk, that is his right to.  

Of course, I do feel it's not a factor unless the parent is trying to hide something...but, we all know how vindictive people are and can listen in to try to distort/twist every little word.  To me, its simply about having time alone with your child - even if its on the phone....