Trying to understand......

[jamiemarie428]

Hi All.  Let me start by saying I am very thankful for this board as my boyfriend and I are going through a lot right now, and it's nice to see the support you give each other.  

We have a situation that's more drama than a soap opera, and it's basically become all consuming for us.

My boyfriend was with his ex-wife for ten years.  She has two children from a previous marriage, and they have one daughter together who is six years old.  

They separated and divorced five years ago, when their daughter was less than two years old, and since then, my boyfriend has completely maintained his custody (they both share 50/50) and contributed financially to his ex and her other two children.  He has gone above and beyond in my opinion, attempting to maintain a friendly, positive relationship with her, and the children.  He's always been there when needed, and has basically supported his ex-wife financially for the past year.  

He and I have been dating for about a year, and were friends for a year prior to our relationship.  We had extensive discussions about the situation that he is in, especially with regard to his ex-wife.  She's a manipulator, and she's basically got him by the b*lls because she has threatened to have his custodial rights terminated, and he is wafraid she will succeed.  (He would probably win full custody in my opinion, but she's got him convinced that "fathers never win")

I love my boyfriend and his children, and they're an important part of my life.  Unfortunately, the sacrifices he continues to make for the ex concern me, mostly because a recent turn of events (including moving to Central California to be near his kids and financial contributions to her floundering business) has caused him to become very depressed.  We are no longer living together, and it concerns me even more because he is severly depressed and locked into this situation because of fear, and her now constant manipulation about his "family".  

What I need help with is this:  All I really want to do is get my boyfriend back, and help him to regain what he has lost financially and emotionally so that he can continue to be a terrific father to his children.  If I can convince him to come back down to San Diego temporarily with me, how can we maintain custody/financial support, and have it documented in case she does decide to sue him??  And how can I prevent her from using his current depression against him, as she's the cause of it?

Any help, info, support you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!!

Jamie

[Sherry1]

legal ties to them.  He needs to stop financially supporting them and she needs to find their biological father and start collecting child support off of him.  If he can't leave her alone and start living his own life, you might need to face the fact that he is still in love with her.  You said he is making financial sacrifices for "her".  She should be nothing to him, and he should only have sacrifices for his ONE child.

[jamiemarie428]

While we both admit that he has no legal ties to his two step-children, he's helped to raise them for the past ten years and they do consider him their father.  I'm okay with him helping to support them, especially considering the fact that their biological father isn't able to help out more financially.  One child actually lives with his biological father in Arizona, the other lives with my boyfriend right now.   And prior to our move, we were well off enough financially to help take care of them.  

With regard to him still being in love with her, I have gone back and forth with this many times, even asking him point blank.  He, of course, denies it, and I'd have to say that I believe him.  I don't think he does anything in an attempt to win her love, I think she's a master manipulator and knows how to play into his "Superman" complex.  

She uses the word "family" a lot to gain ground.  She calls herself, her sister and the rest of her family that in relation to my boyfriend.  His family is of no importance, mostly because they see through her.  She has been civil to me, to my face, but about a month ago, right around the time I moved back down to San Diego, she said a lot of things that made me think that she's not ready to let go of him.  She called me insecure, said I was a free-loader and had a lot of comments with regard to "how little I contribute to the household".  Of course, her comments had nothing to do with my move, and he did defend me, but it really made me think that while all this time I had been thinking that he was trying to somehow prove himself to her, the situation was really her not wanting to lose control of him.  

I love him with all of my heart, and always will, regardless of what comes of this situation.  What I really want is to help him to recognize the depth of her manipulations.  I mean, the woman calls herself his
"friend", and yet, because of all of the sacrifices he has made for her, he's half the man he was three months ago.  He's depressed, he's lost weight, he's not sleeping right, and I am starting to think that he might be suicidal.

Bottom line:  I love him, unconditionally, and what I want right now is some kind of hope.  Not for "us", but for him.  I've accepted the fact that I may never have the relationship with him that I once did.  I just need some kind of hope that he'll be okay.  That he will pull out of this, and be himself once again.  That he will smile, and laugh, and get healthy again.  Maybe gain some weight back and get a good night's sleep.  Have a good relationship with his kids, and be able to provide for them.  She's already screwed him over once, when they divorced.  I've pretty much stood by and let her do it again, because I was caught up in her manipulation, too.  I feel guilty that I couldn't stop it, and now all I want is to fix it.

[Sherry1]

walking a one way street.  Just by the things you have posted, it just seems he is very ingrained and still cares about his ex.  Caring about the kids is one thing, but if you cross the line and start caring about the ex, then there is a real problem looming.  He probably needs to seek professional help to get everything in perspective.  

[mistoffolees]

Without getting into motivations for why someone would behave a certain way, we can look at the behaviors. Your boyfriend is still very emotionally (and financiallly) involved with his old family. While he should ALWAYS take responsiblity for his own daughter, the fact that he's taking such major steps to support his ex is a sign that there's still a pretty strong link there. 

Even his support of the two older children is understandable. I'm in the middle of a divorce and have 2 stepdaughters who I would go a long ways to help out. But it seems to me that he's gone to extremes - particulary wrt the ex. 

I'm also curious how they maintained 50:50 when they were living hundreds of miles apart. Maybe it worked when she was preschool, but she's in K or 1st grade now and that's going to be a problem if they're far apart. Is that perhaps part of his reason for moving closer?

In any event, it sounds like bad news from your perspective. Whether it's his daughter or his ex drawing him, his heart is in central CA. 

Sounds to me like he needs to cut some strings. A good counselor can probably help him figure out which ones.

[Sherry1]

This poor guy needs to see someone (a third party) to help him sort all this stuff out.

[jamiemarie428]

Yeah - I think so.

Sadly enough, I am starting to realize that the dead-end that I thought I saw was a complete reality.  

It just sucks that it happened during our relationship, instead of starting before I was involved   :(  

Sometimes we ask questions we don't want the answers to.  Today, I asked that question.

[Sherry1]

that it isn't going to work then after you invest 5 years into it and nothing has changed.  Knowing what I know now, I would say to anyone that is considering marrying or hooking up with a guy with kids, and who obviously has some emotional ties with his ex to RUN VERY FAST AND VERY HARD IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!

[Mamacass]

For the first year my husband and I were dating, I think he knew in his head that he would never get back with his ex, and would never want to.  But a part of his heart still felt wrong about getting a divorce.  Then about a year into our relationship, his ex-wife asked my husband if they could try to make their marriage work.  Keep in mind, their marriage ended because she was pregnant with another man's child, and wouldn't stop seeing the other man (a drug addict).  
My husband actually spent a week torn about what to do.  I was pregnant at the time, and although it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I told him to try to work things out with his ex.  I hated it, but it was better than worrying all the time that he really wanted to be with her.  Well, it only took a week (and we both admit it was one of the worst weeks of our life), but my husband realized why he had finally left his ex to start with.  She is honestly the most evil person i have ever met.  
After that week, our relationship changed.  I hadn't realized that he had been holding back until then.  And I don't know that he realized it either.  
But that didn't change the way he acted toward his son.  His ex was very manipulative, and would have my husband jump through hoops, but always for their child.  He paid child care, in addition to child support (which included child care).  He even purchased her a car  (a cheap used one) b/c her car got repossessed and she told him he had to buy her a car so she could care for their child.  She would call often to ask him to pick up their son b/c she had to work late (a lie), or wanted to go to the gym, or whatever other reason she could come up with.  And EVERY time he would drop everything and pick up their son (even when we had prior plans).  
I finally got to the point where I had had enough.  I wrote my husband a letter, and explained to him what I saw happening.  I told him that she was manipulating him and controlling him in the name of their son.  My husband was easy to manipulate because he wanted to be the opposite of his dad (there's a whole 'nother story there).   I told him that I understood he wanted to be a good dad and take care of his son, but he needed to take a look at how ridiculous she was getting.  I gave him some examples of times she had crossed the line.  I told him that he was letting her control his life, and that it was hurting me and our child.  
After he read the letter, we sat down and talked and he agreed that things were a little out of hand.  He didn't change overnight, but he did start puttting his foot down with her.  She, of couse, is just as awful as ever.  THat PBFH has done everything she could to try to make our lives miserable.
If I had to go back in time, I would do it all again.  I love my husband and my stepson.  But I would advise anyone about to enter in to a relationship with a man with kids to make sure they know what they're getting into.  The ex from hell will never go away when there are children involved.        

[reagantrooper]

He has set a presedent and may not be able to stop providing support to the other two non-bio kids, even if he wanted to.

Bad move on his part!