I Need Help To Start Custody, Visitation, & Serve My Wife - Alienation

[Map96]

I am a father married for 13 years with 2 children (9 & 6).  In years past, we (wife & I) have enjoyed good times together & some times not so good.

Sorry, this is painful.

Last year 3-2005, (Thursday) we got into a argument over the children going to the park in the neighborhood to ride their bikes. We couldn't agree. SW wanted then to go but I said they should stay (we have a large yard to ride in). I felt uneasy, that my wife was up to something.  SW thinks the children belong to her. I am the bread winner and I love my children also, making the best of our time together. Saturday, SW left w/children and was gone for 2 months w/o calling or informing me of whereabouts. Third month she shoes up. Pastor & some church members knew where she was, in local women's shelter.

We went to pastoral counseling & informal professional counseling. SW returned home w/children in 10-2005. Quit her job after 1 week of work as a excuse for homeschooling children. Things seemed to be going well but SW wasn't really interested in children or homeschooling but more interested in attending Community College in evenings for cert of CNA. I supported her. She has been a housewife for 12 years.

I often asked wife to have staff meetings at home to work on marriage during the week or weekends to improve marriage & set boundaries but SW was not really interested. Something changed. We were having financial difficulty. I work as Bible Instructor (paid) and later I was drawing unemployment.

The first week in August 2006, SW car was broken for 2 weeks. We was in a financial straight. I asked her to call a relative to borrow money but she replyed I was the husband & it was my job to see to the car getting fixed. On Saturday she asked the church to help fix her car (unknown to me) & bragged about how she was getting something done on Sunday. Monday, car towed to shop. Fixed on Wednesday morning 8-9-06. Picked car up from shop that afternoon & drove to church that evening. Elder spoke on a subject in a controversy way. Comments made at service resurfaced isses between us. (Subject - Unconfidentiality between spouse creates distrust).

After service SW took a long time exiting the church while my son & I waited in car w/engine running (10 - 15 minutes). After SW got in car & backing out, we left though she was visible. My son & I arrived home & changed for bed. SW & daughter arrived home. SW came in arguing & mad because we didn't wait. Talked about getting gas and "what if the car broke?" Tried to explain but she wasn't listening. Argued & fussed until we both were arguing, face to face. We both pushed each other & she dailed 911. 2 Police came (male & female). Both told our stories. SW played DV ticket. There were no bruises or marks on neither of us.  No one went to jail (daughter terrified). Police ask either of us to leave. Wife volunteered & took our 2 children w/her.  This is the 6th time my wife has left home over the past 7 years with the children. [Unstable and inconsistant with children].

On 8-14-06 (our anniversary) I was served a Order of Protection at home. Court date 8-17-06. Went to court & judge dismissed order w/o prejudice. Thank God! SW allegations was false.

The pastor & others called me to give SW access to home (locks changed) to pick up some clothes 8-28-06. I refused. Told Pastor (after 3 attempts) to have wife to call insteado of him.  She called. I told her we need to talk & she refused only said she needed colthes & things. SW said she would break in. I told her I would have her arrested (because SW was playing dirty). SW returned on 8-29-06 with police escort (which SW should have done anyway) and I allowed access to get clothes.

I have not seen my children in 51 days. My heart is breaking. I love my children. Don't know where they are.

Don't have the money to afford a lawyer. I recently got a job. I live in the home and am maintaining the bills alone (as usual).

Pastor & church members is working with wife to keep them in hiding. SW thinks the children belong to her. (I believe she is trying to hurt me by alienating the children from me. I am having a hard time dealing with this). She attends church & some of the members believe I am an abuser based on her story. All lies.

Sorry, I wrote much.

I live in Lancaster, SC (40 miles outside of Charlotte, NC) and I can't afford a good lawyer. I make $10 hr.

All this is new to me.

Does anyone know a father's rights group in this area?
Can someone direct me where to begin?
How do I serve my wife without an address or phone number? How do I get a friend to serve her at church?
Can I file custody & visitation papers at the Family Court Bldg myself and then seek a lawyer afterwards?
Where do I get the forms and are they free? Can I download them?
 
I don't have a custody or visitation order presently.
I have been reading every thing possible on the internet. I feel like I am alone and this is consumimg me every day all the time.
Please help me!





 

[BelleMere]

Your local clerk of court can be a great resource for information, actually - especially in providing you with forms etc. Some states have great resources, others do not - I'd go pver to the court one day and see what you can learn. It is possible to do this pro se (that is, without a lawyer) but it's very hard to protect your rights adequately - if it's at all within your means, you should get a lawyer. Sometimes local universities have legal clinics that will help at a reduced rate. You need to try to get access to a law library or at least to all the state statutes related to divorce, custody and visitation so you know at least what you are dealing with (like in our state, you can't even file for divorce for a year if there are minor kids involved). I'd keep a log of every effort you make to contact them kids, every dime you send her or give to someone to give to them, while you consider what to do. Make sure you have certified copies of any and all legal papers that already exist - like the judge dismissing the requested PO.

Also, not sure what you mean by "SW" here - usually that means Second Wife. If she is your second wife and has taken the children from your first marriage, she'd have to have adopted them to be legally able to keep them with her.

[Map96]

Sorry, this is my first marriage.

I went down to the family court and ask the registrar about filing a petition for custody/visitation and she told me that a lawyer has to process it.

At the moment, I have a folder that I am compiling with all the necessary papers - receipts, bank statements, checks, notes, birth certificates, bills, phone numbers, and  etc.  I am trying to put a timeline together to decrease the hours for the lawyer.

This Thursday I am suppose to talk with a lawyer thru the referral service who charges only $50 for consultation to the low income.
I am afraid he is going to ask a larger amount to represent me - of which I don't have. In SC, it is difficult to find good low income representation. However, I am persistantly looking. Does anyone have a recommendation.

Last night I searched on the internet for a father's rights groups in the Charlotte, NC area and could not find one.

Maybe there is a father's rights group that can refer me to a lawyer that does Pro-Bono work.

Is Legal Aid ok to use? I don't want to lose my children. I want partial physical custody and joint legal custody.

I am still in the home. Will the judge make me move out and she return?
and order me to pay a large amount of child support?

Thanks Map96

[072399]

First I wanted to let you know that you are not alone...There are countless others out here with similar and beleive it or not even worse situations...The best thing that you can do is remain strong for your children and keep the faith that God will work all of this out (read the poem footsteps - it's helping me even as I type this to you) and if your wife is truly wrong, which by if she has done what you say than by all means she is then this will work out for you...

I too have been accused of DV and I know the horrible feeling of a woman telling the court, police and other people in both of your lives numerous lies and trying to sway opinion in her favor...The good news for you is that don't mean tit, this comes down to your RIGHT to be with your kids as your childrens' father regardless of the false accusations and slurs folks in you community or church are saying, for the sake of your kids you have to rise above that...They know the real truth and are the only ones that matter...

I was raised and brought up in the Methodist church even though both of my parents were brought up in the Mennonite church and are still active with Mennonite Disaster Releif Services and other care-giving organizations; needless to say I was rasied well and hold a high value on ethics and morality...I know the scripture very well and as I have gotten older have seperated from the church all while maintaining my unwaivering sprituality and faith in God...

The reason for my separation from the church has a lot to do with what I read you write. You were saying that your wife has swayed many members of the church against you. As you may know just because folks (preacher, deacon, alter boy) go to church and may be of good morel and ethical quaility they are still human and humans judge...I tried to attened church with my ex-wife during the demise of our marriage and basically she did the same thing to me...It's not worth it to torture yourself by trying to sway people's minds back over to you side of the fence, you need all of your energy now to protect your children and you own sanity during this long process...Maybe you can try a new or differnt church if you need to fellowship with other folks...  

Like I said earlier, there a people out here with it worse (but misery loves company, so maybe this will cheer you up - or not)...

My ex-wife filed DV charges against me on Feb. 06, 2006; realize that I have not lived with the woman in more that 5 years, there cannot be DV if you don't even live with the person...Anyway, she did that in an attempt to block a modification of custody that I had put in requesting joint physical custody of our seven year old daughter. This charge looked legit to the court which allowed her to counter with full custody and supervised visitation.

The reson for the modification were suspicions I had concerning my daughters' new stepfather and his lack of concern regarding my daughter and her saftey...To make a long story short, my conversation with him about the subject of my daughter's best interest turned violent after he pushed me called me a bad father then swung at me...I handled my own and made it to my vehical where this guy proceeded to follow me for ten miles while trying to run me off the road...The police were called and no criminal charges filed but on the advice of the police officer I got a peace order against him...And that's what started the ball rolling (rolling right over me too - keep reading)

So, this guy and my ex-wife decide to see just how much it will take to piss me off and try to get me to break my own peace order...One morning about 2:30 am my cell phone rings, I let it ring and in the morning I had a not so nice voicemail from her new husband stating that he saw me up his way the other day and was sitting in front of my house blah, blah, blah...I was sick this anyway and was sure this and the fact that he chased me down the highway were things I could use to further my justification for the modification of custody so I went to the State's Attorney and had them press criminal charges... Two days later I was served with an arrest warrent based on their lies which cost me all of two hours clearing up with the court commissioner...In the end, non of it had any bearing on my custody case, on Aug. 15, 2006 I was awarded all of my requested custody and the new husband and I worked everything out and helped each keep out of legal trouble... Ahh, a happy ending right -Wrong!!!

Last Monday night again at about 2:30 in the morning I had police banging down my door...When I answered they handed me a protective order written by my wife stating that I had molested my daughter...The statement reads that my daughter Ariel told her grandmother that I had touched her privates on Aug. 19, 2006 (4 days after winning my modification hearing); total BS...I can take all the crap you say about me or even that fact that because of her vindictive nature my ex wife held my daughter from me and my family for the entire year, but now it's not only my character at stake but now my daughter's mental health is at stake too, I can't even imagine what she feels like being forced to lie...I'm still fighting though, the good news is that in my interview with DSS the  interviewer told me right away that they didn't see this as a molestation or sexual abuse case so they haven't warped my little girl too bad...But the truth is that system hates men and even though I can prove two previous  false charges that she tried to get against me, I am skeptical but have to rely on my faith in God to carry both Ariel and I through this...Currently I now only have supervised visitation which is what my ex wanted all along...Oh, BTW did I mention that my ex wife has a new ex husband and that she pressing charges on him too...Go figure... -B  

[annemichellesdad]

Very sorry to hear about your recent tragedy. When my ex and I first separated, I thought myself luckier than most. Then, three years later, she became extremely alienating, and now I'm definately worse off than many. The point is, things can change, for the better or for the worse. Be prepared as you can for either direction.

The first and most important thing.... DOCUMENT. Do NOT trust your memory. Keep a diary. Take notes. Be EXTREMELY organized. Remember, this is all going to be EVIDENCE later on. It's got to be convincing. It won't be if it's only halfway there. It WILL be if it looks like it was recorded and maintained by a secretary with a severe obsessive/compulsive disorder. Document FACTS and support them as well as you can, and document your feelings, too. I'm currently suing my ex for, among other things, intentional infliction of emotional distress. Thankfully, I have good evidence, but diaries documenting my emotional state in my own words sure would be great about now.

While you're doing all of this on a DAILY basis (have I said to DOCUMENT yet?), you've got to learn about the legal system, whether you are represented by an attorney or not. One of the biggest complaints the ABA receives from litigants is that their attorneys did not sufficiently explain the rules and procedures as they went along, keeping them from making the best decisions possible. Learning about the law is no small task, but no one ever said this will be easy. Just focus on your children if you need motivation.

I understand that the clerk of court (more likely, a clerk at the clerk of court office) told you that you must have an attorney in order to file. That is both not true and true. Technically, you do not. Any citizen can file a suit in this country themselves. This person which whom spoke knows this, but most likely meant their remark as RECOMMENDATION based upon your clear lack of knowledge. AS A RULE: no one at the courthouse can give you LEGAL ADVISE. They are prohibited from doing so. Some even take that prohibition so far as to no give an basic policy or procedural information, too. (At one courthouse, I was happily given some forms when I didn't even need them. At another, when I asked for a copy of the local court rules of civil procedures for that court, I was snappishly told "we don't give advise". So it varies.)

You can get some good information here, but remember that it's not always very credible (my own included). This is a great place for bouncing ideas more than getting hard, cold information. Treat it accordingly.

Finally, keep your head up. You're going to hurt, and that's normal. Don't let it take your pride. Be a bulldog, tenaceous and unswerving. If you feel depression starting to sink in, do NOT indulge it. Once you begin down that path, it will take more strength than you have on your own to get off of it.

No goodbye, just good luck for now

[Map96]

I am still trying to cope with the separation and alienation of my children by my wife.

It's been 70 days and I've only seen my children once for about 15 minutes. I became adventurious & went to church. Guess what? They were there. The members were goosed and thought I wanted to harm my wife but they were fooled. I was civil as always, sitting in the back, and only wanted to see my children. At the end of serivce I got a chance to see them. I felt like a million dollars receiving my children hugs & kisses.

I plan to go back and give my babies some cards, photos, & goodies. I don't want then to forget Daddy.

If someone knows a Father's Rights group or organization in Charlotte, NC or Rock Hill, SC area, please email ASAP. I need a support group, find an attorney, and talk with a PI. I will respond to your reply.

Can someone direct me what to do with per se "semen tainted wife's underwear?"

Thanks.

Map96 - "Feeling good but not there yet"

[Map96]

I was thinking how much I missed my children (10-18-06) and I stopped into Walmart to buy them so gifts. I planned to give them the gifts the next time I see them. I purchased a video tape and recorded some family footage of me (Daddy) interacting with my children.  Finished the goody-bag. Son's bag blue and my daughter's bag pink.

Driven by a desire to see my children, I ventured to church again and to my suprise they were there. (did I mention that they ride to church with another family to try to keep their whereabouts hidden). I waited after church and handed them the goody bags. My children was so elated and I was overjoyed. (Then they left for home). I've got to do something to see my children!
 
Also, I was surfing the internet and came across a infidelity sight called "Evergreen Industries". I purchased the 2 test and tested the 2 underwear garments and the test was positive for semen. My wife is having an affair. This was devastating to me. I was numb but I got through it. These were the 2 garments I confronted her about in May 2006 of which she denied. I was in denial and believed it. Now I need to send the garment to the lab for DNA testing. Eventhough this evidence will not be allowed in court per a doctor's advice, I am sure it happened. I was told that the only thing court allows is pictures, video, and audio tapes.  I don't think I can afford a PI.  

Somewhat confused about what to do. My wife is having unprotected
sex. I don't want VD or AIDS.

If someone have advice please send me a email.  I want to see my children.

Thanks

[ocean]

I am not sure why anyone told you that you needed a lawyer to file. Go back to the court house and tell them you are representing yourself (at least for the time being) and you want to file for custody. In my area you have to go to a different area or building then the court house but they should be able to direct you. Once you are there, someone should help you fill out the forms and they enter it in the computer (you may have to come back for the papers or tell them you will wait) and then you will get the packet to serve her. SInce you know she is at church on certain days, I would have someone follow her (not you) to see where she is living. Then you can have her served at home or at church (but it can not be a sunday).

It sounds like you will go through a long process but in the meantime you can ask for temporay visitation and access to the kids school to ensure they are getting an education -fight for not supervised=no grounds (BUT even if it is supervised for now-take it so you can prove children are not scared of you). Look on here for a parenting plan you would want. Ask for 50/50 !
Good luck!